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Politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship
Clash Royale CLAN TAG#URR8PPP
up vote
33
down vote
favorite
I have this female friend who likes hanging with me. She even comes at my place to spend some time. She's my good friend. Sometimes back, she had a heartbreak and she's been telling me she is not ready for relationships or roll with any guy. Some few days ago, I was at her place then she got a call and told me her man was coming so I should leave.
Afterwards, in the late night she sent me a message that she's not into relationships again. Then later in the morning she told me she sent the text because she was high and they'd been drinking.
I have no interest in her whatsoever. I just have her as a friend but I need to tell her to stop lying about her current state and embrace what she has without sounding rude.
What is the best way to politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship?
politeness friendship
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
up vote
33
down vote
favorite
I have this female friend who likes hanging with me. She even comes at my place to spend some time. She's my good friend. Sometimes back, she had a heartbreak and she's been telling me she is not ready for relationships or roll with any guy. Some few days ago, I was at her place then she got a call and told me her man was coming so I should leave.
Afterwards, in the late night she sent me a message that she's not into relationships again. Then later in the morning she told me she sent the text because she was high and they'd been drinking.
I have no interest in her whatsoever. I just have her as a friend but I need to tell her to stop lying about her current state and embrace what she has without sounding rude.
What is the best way to politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship?
politeness friendship
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
40
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
1
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
33
down vote
favorite
up vote
33
down vote
favorite
I have this female friend who likes hanging with me. She even comes at my place to spend some time. She's my good friend. Sometimes back, she had a heartbreak and she's been telling me she is not ready for relationships or roll with any guy. Some few days ago, I was at her place then she got a call and told me her man was coming so I should leave.
Afterwards, in the late night she sent me a message that she's not into relationships again. Then later in the morning she told me she sent the text because she was high and they'd been drinking.
I have no interest in her whatsoever. I just have her as a friend but I need to tell her to stop lying about her current state and embrace what she has without sounding rude.
What is the best way to politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship?
politeness friendship
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
I have this female friend who likes hanging with me. She even comes at my place to spend some time. She's my good friend. Sometimes back, she had a heartbreak and she's been telling me she is not ready for relationships or roll with any guy. Some few days ago, I was at her place then she got a call and told me her man was coming so I should leave.
Afterwards, in the late night she sent me a message that she's not into relationships again. Then later in the morning she told me she sent the text because she was high and they'd been drinking.
I have no interest in her whatsoever. I just have her as a friend but I need to tell her to stop lying about her current state and embrace what she has without sounding rude.
What is the best way to politely ask a female friend to stop lying to me about her relationship?
politeness friendship
politeness friendship
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 9 mins ago
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
asked 2 days ago
Carlos Anyona
171127
171127
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
40
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
1
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago
add a comment |Â
40
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
1
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago
40
40
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
1
1
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago
add a comment |Â
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
up vote
83
down vote
accepted
She is trying to justify herself
My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.
Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.
Next time you see her, try something like:
Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.
Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
27
down vote
Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly like the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.
If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between "I am so over this" and "he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out". What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she isn't quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between "I hate that guy" and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).
Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
It sounds like she's not entirely sure what her situation with this man is and whether or not it will develop into something she would call "a relationship". Rather than confronting her, I suggest that you be a little more accepting that she might not yet consider herself to be "in a relationship" with this man and stop using loaded and accusatory words like "lying".
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
add a comment |Â
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
83
down vote
accepted
She is trying to justify herself
My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.
Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.
Next time you see her, try something like:
Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.
Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
83
down vote
accepted
She is trying to justify herself
My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.
Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.
Next time you see her, try something like:
Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.
Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
83
down vote
accepted
up vote
83
down vote
accepted
She is trying to justify herself
My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.
Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.
Next time you see her, try something like:
Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.
Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
She is trying to justify herself
My guess is that she is lying because she tries to give you a picture of herself that, she imagines, will meet your expectations.
Try to make clear to her that she is your friend and that you are OK with whatever she wants to do with her personal life. She can start a relationship, have friends for the night or stay alone and you will be happy anyway to hang out with her and chat.
Next time you see her, try something like:
Hey, [Name], about the texts from the other night. You don't have to justify anything. I'm your friend and I'm happy as long as you're happy.
Maybe, if she feels that she doesn't have to explain what she is doing to you, and that you are not judging her, it will be easier for her to tell the truth.
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
edited 2 days ago
avazula
7,44373651
7,44373651
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
answered 2 days ago
Legisey
1,505168
1,505168
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
A non-sarcastic tone of voice (maybe a little serious like a "real-talk" voice) would be helpful. If you do this in the wrong manner, it will be taken as sarcasm and berating.
– John Hamilton
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
27
down vote
Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly like the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.
If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between "I am so over this" and "he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out". What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she isn't quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between "I hate that guy" and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).
Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
add a comment |Â
up vote
27
down vote
Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly like the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.
If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between "I am so over this" and "he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out". What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she isn't quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between "I hate that guy" and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).
Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
add a comment |Â
up vote
27
down vote
up vote
27
down vote
Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly like the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.
If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between "I am so over this" and "he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out". What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she isn't quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between "I hate that guy" and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).
Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
Your friend is probably not really lying, at least not primarily to you. This sounds like a case of her not being truthful to herself first and foremost. I would assume that she would honestly like the things she says to you to be true (that she's not into relationships right now, that the thing with her ex is over, etc.), but evidently they are not. In other words, she probably believes what she tells you when she tells it to you - but then things change when he texts or calls.
If you want to be her friend, the best thing you can do is probably to have an honest conversation about what is going on in her love life. Happy people typically don't flip-flop between "I am so over this" and "he is coming to my place in an hour so you need to get out". What you can do as a friend is help her come to understand her own emotions - maybe, even likely, she isn't quite over this guy, and that's fine, but she should understand how she feels so that she can make informed decisions. As Legisey says, it's important to not judge her for her emotions (it's ok to still have feelings for somebody, even if these feelings led her to heartbreak before), but that does not necessarily mean that the best course of action is to jump right back into a relationship. Alternating between "I hate that guy" and one-night stands is probably even worse. These are things that you as a friend can help her talk through (but keep in mind that at the end of the day it's not about you - if she tells you she will not see him again only to hook up with him the next day, she isn't doing this to spite you!).
Of course, there is also the alternate possibility that, at least from her side, your relationship isn't quite platonic, and that's why she wants to convince you that she is in fact single and (almost) available. We random people on the Internet can't figure this out for you, but it's certainly a possibility to consider if she does not want to talk about her ex to specifically you.
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
answered yesterday
xLeitix
1,831611
1,831611
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
It sounds like she's not entirely sure what her situation with this man is and whether or not it will develop into something she would call "a relationship". Rather than confronting her, I suggest that you be a little more accepting that she might not yet consider herself to be "in a relationship" with this man and stop using loaded and accusatory words like "lying".
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
It sounds like she's not entirely sure what her situation with this man is and whether or not it will develop into something she would call "a relationship". Rather than confronting her, I suggest that you be a little more accepting that she might not yet consider herself to be "in a relationship" with this man and stop using loaded and accusatory words like "lying".
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
up vote
0
down vote
It sounds like she's not entirely sure what her situation with this man is and whether or not it will develop into something she would call "a relationship". Rather than confronting her, I suggest that you be a little more accepting that she might not yet consider herself to be "in a relationship" with this man and stop using loaded and accusatory words like "lying".
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
It sounds like she's not entirely sure what her situation with this man is and whether or not it will develop into something she would call "a relationship". Rather than confronting her, I suggest that you be a little more accepting that she might not yet consider herself to be "in a relationship" with this man and stop using loaded and accusatory words like "lying".
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
answered 23 hours ago
David Richerby
16817
16817
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
add a comment |Â
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
2
2
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
Whether "lying" is the right word or not, it is understandable that OP does not want to be constantly told mutually exclusive things by their friend. They obviously do not judge her for the behaviour with that man, just for the behaviour towards them. Even if she is not honest to herself and them, that still means she is dishonest with them, too.
– ArtificialSoul
22 hours ago
add a comment |Â
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
Carlos Anyona is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
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40
Important consideration: what exactly do you hope to gain by forcing this issue ?
– DoritoStyle
yesterday
1
Tell her vs. ask her is an interesting choice of phrasing. Hopefully that was a mistranslation or mis-statement of what you meant, because commanding her to be a certain way (in English grammar terms: imperative form), however politely, sounds way out of line, or like an ultimatum.
– Peter Cordes
6 hours ago