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How to defuse or prevent an adult temper tantrum
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Background: my partner and I are in our late twenties. We have lived together for about a year. He does maybe 20% of the housework, arguing that I have more free time because I work fewer hours. When he is not working or sleeping, he plays a mobile game or watches YouTube videos.
I don't mind him being lazy. The problem are his childish temper tantrums. Some examples:
When I suggest going out, he will agree. However, when the time comes around, he will find something to criticize about me, for example, I look stressed or complain that we're late. He will either go home, or if we have tickets / can't back out, will sulk the whole time.
Another example is I'm lying on the couch reading a book. He will come to me whenever he likes and demand that I give him attention right then. If I don't submit to his requests, he'll be angry and I'll have to come to him and apologize. If I try to let him cuddle me and continue reading, he'll position himself in a way that blocks me from reading. If I'm on the pc he'll pull me away and whine until all my attention is on him. This does not happen all the time, he does allow me to do things alone. But it will happen on most days, unless he's already avoiding me as part of a tantrum.
He does not see this behavior as a problem. Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment, he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some hours or days.
He's behaving like a two year old child. But techniques for dealing with child tantrums (distract him, pretend everything is fine, talk about the issue later when he's calmed down) don't work on him, because he recognizes what I'm doing and feels disrespected. How can I deal with these tantrums in the moment, and how can I make my partner understand that he needs to take some responsibility and learn to deal with minor disappointments without a huge overreaction?
relationships conflicts
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
add a comment |Â
up vote
6
down vote
favorite
Background: my partner and I are in our late twenties. We have lived together for about a year. He does maybe 20% of the housework, arguing that I have more free time because I work fewer hours. When he is not working or sleeping, he plays a mobile game or watches YouTube videos.
I don't mind him being lazy. The problem are his childish temper tantrums. Some examples:
When I suggest going out, he will agree. However, when the time comes around, he will find something to criticize about me, for example, I look stressed or complain that we're late. He will either go home, or if we have tickets / can't back out, will sulk the whole time.
Another example is I'm lying on the couch reading a book. He will come to me whenever he likes and demand that I give him attention right then. If I don't submit to his requests, he'll be angry and I'll have to come to him and apologize. If I try to let him cuddle me and continue reading, he'll position himself in a way that blocks me from reading. If I'm on the pc he'll pull me away and whine until all my attention is on him. This does not happen all the time, he does allow me to do things alone. But it will happen on most days, unless he's already avoiding me as part of a tantrum.
He does not see this behavior as a problem. Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment, he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some hours or days.
He's behaving like a two year old child. But techniques for dealing with child tantrums (distract him, pretend everything is fine, talk about the issue later when he's calmed down) don't work on him, because he recognizes what I'm doing and feels disrespected. How can I deal with these tantrums in the moment, and how can I make my partner understand that he needs to take some responsibility and learn to deal with minor disappointments without a huge overreaction?
relationships conflicts
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
add a comment |Â
up vote
6
down vote
favorite
up vote
6
down vote
favorite
Background: my partner and I are in our late twenties. We have lived together for about a year. He does maybe 20% of the housework, arguing that I have more free time because I work fewer hours. When he is not working or sleeping, he plays a mobile game or watches YouTube videos.
I don't mind him being lazy. The problem are his childish temper tantrums. Some examples:
When I suggest going out, he will agree. However, when the time comes around, he will find something to criticize about me, for example, I look stressed or complain that we're late. He will either go home, or if we have tickets / can't back out, will sulk the whole time.
Another example is I'm lying on the couch reading a book. He will come to me whenever he likes and demand that I give him attention right then. If I don't submit to his requests, he'll be angry and I'll have to come to him and apologize. If I try to let him cuddle me and continue reading, he'll position himself in a way that blocks me from reading. If I'm on the pc he'll pull me away and whine until all my attention is on him. This does not happen all the time, he does allow me to do things alone. But it will happen on most days, unless he's already avoiding me as part of a tantrum.
He does not see this behavior as a problem. Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment, he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some hours or days.
He's behaving like a two year old child. But techniques for dealing with child tantrums (distract him, pretend everything is fine, talk about the issue later when he's calmed down) don't work on him, because he recognizes what I'm doing and feels disrespected. How can I deal with these tantrums in the moment, and how can I make my partner understand that he needs to take some responsibility and learn to deal with minor disappointments without a huge overreaction?
relationships conflicts
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
Background: my partner and I are in our late twenties. We have lived together for about a year. He does maybe 20% of the housework, arguing that I have more free time because I work fewer hours. When he is not working or sleeping, he plays a mobile game or watches YouTube videos.
I don't mind him being lazy. The problem are his childish temper tantrums. Some examples:
When I suggest going out, he will agree. However, when the time comes around, he will find something to criticize about me, for example, I look stressed or complain that we're late. He will either go home, or if we have tickets / can't back out, will sulk the whole time.
Another example is I'm lying on the couch reading a book. He will come to me whenever he likes and demand that I give him attention right then. If I don't submit to his requests, he'll be angry and I'll have to come to him and apologize. If I try to let him cuddle me and continue reading, he'll position himself in a way that blocks me from reading. If I'm on the pc he'll pull me away and whine until all my attention is on him. This does not happen all the time, he does allow me to do things alone. But it will happen on most days, unless he's already avoiding me as part of a tantrum.
He does not see this behavior as a problem. Predictably, when I try to talk to him about it in a calm moment, he'll have a tantrum right then and refuse to talk to me for some hours or days.
He's behaving like a two year old child. But techniques for dealing with child tantrums (distract him, pretend everything is fine, talk about the issue later when he's calmed down) don't work on him, because he recognizes what I'm doing and feels disrespected. How can I deal with these tantrums in the moment, and how can I make my partner understand that he needs to take some responsibility and learn to deal with minor disappointments without a huge overreaction?
relationships conflicts
relationships conflicts
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
edited 2 hours ago
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
asked 2 hours ago
user_028
27117
27117
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
1 Answer
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up vote
6
down vote
I think you have something else going on here. Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small. He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met. He won't discuss issues because he "feels disrespected". He refuses to talk to you for days. He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.
Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum. Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside. Children as a whole don't rage for days. I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.
I'm going to propose that you view this as something else. This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known. And if it's consistent with the behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.
How to deal with this? You confront it and refuse to let it control you. Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you. In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well. That doesn't mean "get caught in a power struggle" but "achieve balance".
Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum. Keep this in mind: behaviors only continue if they achieve a goal. If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.
If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you. "I see you're not happy; that's fine. We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show. If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over." You're not responding; you're not arguing. You're refusing to let this behavior control you. You're exercising your own power.
"I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that. I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours." "I see you're angry about something and not talking to me. I'm going to have coffee with some friends. I'll be back around 2" Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.
You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect. And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
add a comment |Â
1 Answer
1
active
oldest
votes
1 Answer
1
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
6
down vote
I think you have something else going on here. Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small. He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met. He won't discuss issues because he "feels disrespected". He refuses to talk to you for days. He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.
Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum. Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside. Children as a whole don't rage for days. I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.
I'm going to propose that you view this as something else. This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known. And if it's consistent with the behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.
How to deal with this? You confront it and refuse to let it control you. Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you. In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well. That doesn't mean "get caught in a power struggle" but "achieve balance".
Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum. Keep this in mind: behaviors only continue if they achieve a goal. If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.
If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you. "I see you're not happy; that's fine. We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show. If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over." You're not responding; you're not arguing. You're refusing to let this behavior control you. You're exercising your own power.
"I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that. I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours." "I see you're angry about something and not talking to me. I'm going to have coffee with some friends. I'll be back around 2" Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.
You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect. And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
6
down vote
I think you have something else going on here. Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small. He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met. He won't discuss issues because he "feels disrespected". He refuses to talk to you for days. He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.
Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum. Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside. Children as a whole don't rage for days. I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.
I'm going to propose that you view this as something else. This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known. And if it's consistent with the behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.
How to deal with this? You confront it and refuse to let it control you. Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you. In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well. That doesn't mean "get caught in a power struggle" but "achieve balance".
Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum. Keep this in mind: behaviors only continue if they achieve a goal. If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.
If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you. "I see you're not happy; that's fine. We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show. If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over." You're not responding; you're not arguing. You're refusing to let this behavior control you. You're exercising your own power.
"I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that. I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours." "I see you're angry about something and not talking to me. I'm going to have coffee with some friends. I'll be back around 2" Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.
You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect. And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
6
down vote
up vote
6
down vote
I think you have something else going on here. Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small. He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met. He won't discuss issues because he "feels disrespected". He refuses to talk to you for days. He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.
Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum. Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside. Children as a whole don't rage for days. I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.
I'm going to propose that you view this as something else. This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known. And if it's consistent with the behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.
How to deal with this? You confront it and refuse to let it control you. Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you. In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well. That doesn't mean "get caught in a power struggle" but "achieve balance".
Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum. Keep this in mind: behaviors only continue if they achieve a goal. If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.
If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you. "I see you're not happy; that's fine. We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show. If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over." You're not responding; you're not arguing. You're refusing to let this behavior control you. You're exercising your own power.
"I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that. I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours." "I see you're angry about something and not talking to me. I'm going to have coffee with some friends. I'll be back around 2" Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.
You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect. And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
I think you have something else going on here. Reading through this: he agrees to go out, but then is angry about something small. He makes disrespectful demands on your time and then misbehaves when those demands are not met. He won't discuss issues because he "feels disrespected". He refuses to talk to you for days. He makes demands for affection and insists that they be met to the point of being (mildly) physical and demands that YOU apologize for not meeting his demands.
Those aren't symptoms of a childish tantrum. Childish tantrums are about one thing, rage for a few minutes to an hour, and then subside. Children as a whole don't rage for days. I don't think the issue is the tantrums as much as his behavior toward you as a whole.
I'm going to propose that you view this as something else. This is consistent with abusive behavior that I've seen toward abused women I've known. And if it's consistent with the behavior I've seen and heard of from these women, it's going to slowly get worse.
How to deal with this? You confront it and refuse to let it control you. Abusers rely on power to control, which he is trying to do with you. In the end, you absolutely have to recognize your own power in this relationship and exercise it as well. That doesn't mean "get caught in a power struggle" but "achieve balance".
Part of that balance is to not let this behavior control you, even if it is a tantrum. Keep this in mind: behaviors only continue if they achieve a goal. If a behavior is unproductive, it will eventually stop.
If he sulks when he's agreed to go out, don't let this affect you. "I see you're not happy; that's fine. We've purchased tickets and I'm going to go to the show. If you're not in the mood, you can stay home and I'll catch up with you when the show is over." You're not responding; you're not arguing. You're refusing to let this behavior control you. You're exercising your own power.
"I understand you're not talking to me; I'm sorry to see that. I'm going to go to the library to read; I'll be back in a couple hours." "I see you're angry about something and not talking to me. I'm going to have coffee with some friends. I'll be back around 2" Again, you're not making demands on him; you're not responding to the behavior - you're refusing to let it control you and being empowered.
You have already recognized that his behavior needs to change; one can't stay in this kind of relationship not based on mutual concern and respect. And he needs to see that you have options and will exercise them.
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
answered 59 mins ago
baldPrussian
20.3k94578
20.3k94578
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
add a comment |Â
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
2
2
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
Awesome answer as usual, Bald. I’d just suggest making it gender neutral instead of specifying that this is abusive behavior against women.
– scohe001
52 mins ago
1
1
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
@scohe001 Gosh, thanks! Let me ponder over that. I used the women point because I haven't known any abused men. I know they exist but interacting with them is out of scope of my experience. I'll think over how to include your suggestion. Thank you for the candid feedback on improving my answer; I really appreciate it!
– baldPrussian
14 mins ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
This is useful advice, but only works for some situations. For example, he'll agree to clean a room, but the cleaning supplies are arranged in a way that displeases him, so he throws a tantrum. If I avoid the issue, I'll have to do everything by myself.
– user_028
1 min ago
add a comment |Â
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