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How to build healthy working relationships with my male colleagues as a young-ish, attractive-ish woman?
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OK, this is slightly awkward, but I guess I will just throw out the question and see what comes back.
I'm a PhD candidate from Asia currently visiting a prestigious university in Europe. Recently I've noticed quite some "strange" behaviours of male "colleagues" around me (by "colleagues", I don't mean that we work on the same projects or from the same office. They are just people who work at or visit this place: faculty members, PhDs, or research staff).
For example, these gentlemen seem to be giving me a bit of extra attention: following me to the pantry; "appearing" several times at the same time at the place that I'd show up; or even try to wait for me when I leave. (Please don't suggest that I might be overreacting - I am quite confident that I'm not exaggerating here.)
Honestly, I am more annoyed than flattered. I want to focus on my research and want to be able to have healthy, normal, constructive working relationships with these people. I don't want any extra attention other than that I am a dedicated and capable researcher, and a nice person in general. However, because of these strange behaviours, I have to try to distant myself from some of them who I have had some friendly exchanges before. I've become a bit cold and unapproachable to them - I guess I am trying to say that I am not interested in anything romantic, and I don't want any attention in that matter. I guess some people might say, well, just tell them openly that you are not interested. I simply am not able to do that: first, they don't say anything or do anything that would allow me to bring up this topic; second, some of them might not even really want to pursue a relationship (they are married, or too young/too old for me anyway), but just kind of show some sort of admiration I guess.
However, I also feel very uncomfortable about that. I am by nature a nice and friendly person. I really feel bad about being cold and unfriendly to other people. Also, I want to have a circle of contacts that I can talk with about my research and their research, and get feedback and/or inspiration from that. I am not sure how I am able to have that type of positive working relationships in this kind of situation.
Please give me some advice on how to handle a situation like this. Thank you in advance.
phd
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
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up vote
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OK, this is slightly awkward, but I guess I will just throw out the question and see what comes back.
I'm a PhD candidate from Asia currently visiting a prestigious university in Europe. Recently I've noticed quite some "strange" behaviours of male "colleagues" around me (by "colleagues", I don't mean that we work on the same projects or from the same office. They are just people who work at or visit this place: faculty members, PhDs, or research staff).
For example, these gentlemen seem to be giving me a bit of extra attention: following me to the pantry; "appearing" several times at the same time at the place that I'd show up; or even try to wait for me when I leave. (Please don't suggest that I might be overreacting - I am quite confident that I'm not exaggerating here.)
Honestly, I am more annoyed than flattered. I want to focus on my research and want to be able to have healthy, normal, constructive working relationships with these people. I don't want any extra attention other than that I am a dedicated and capable researcher, and a nice person in general. However, because of these strange behaviours, I have to try to distant myself from some of them who I have had some friendly exchanges before. I've become a bit cold and unapproachable to them - I guess I am trying to say that I am not interested in anything romantic, and I don't want any attention in that matter. I guess some people might say, well, just tell them openly that you are not interested. I simply am not able to do that: first, they don't say anything or do anything that would allow me to bring up this topic; second, some of them might not even really want to pursue a relationship (they are married, or too young/too old for me anyway), but just kind of show some sort of admiration I guess.
However, I also feel very uncomfortable about that. I am by nature a nice and friendly person. I really feel bad about being cold and unfriendly to other people. Also, I want to have a circle of contacts that I can talk with about my research and their research, and get feedback and/or inspiration from that. I am not sure how I am able to have that type of positive working relationships in this kind of situation.
Please give me some advice on how to handle a situation like this. Thank you in advance.
phd
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
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LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
4
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
4
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
1
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago
 |Â
show 8 more comments
up vote
12
down vote
favorite
up vote
12
down vote
favorite
OK, this is slightly awkward, but I guess I will just throw out the question and see what comes back.
I'm a PhD candidate from Asia currently visiting a prestigious university in Europe. Recently I've noticed quite some "strange" behaviours of male "colleagues" around me (by "colleagues", I don't mean that we work on the same projects or from the same office. They are just people who work at or visit this place: faculty members, PhDs, or research staff).
For example, these gentlemen seem to be giving me a bit of extra attention: following me to the pantry; "appearing" several times at the same time at the place that I'd show up; or even try to wait for me when I leave. (Please don't suggest that I might be overreacting - I am quite confident that I'm not exaggerating here.)
Honestly, I am more annoyed than flattered. I want to focus on my research and want to be able to have healthy, normal, constructive working relationships with these people. I don't want any extra attention other than that I am a dedicated and capable researcher, and a nice person in general. However, because of these strange behaviours, I have to try to distant myself from some of them who I have had some friendly exchanges before. I've become a bit cold and unapproachable to them - I guess I am trying to say that I am not interested in anything romantic, and I don't want any attention in that matter. I guess some people might say, well, just tell them openly that you are not interested. I simply am not able to do that: first, they don't say anything or do anything that would allow me to bring up this topic; second, some of them might not even really want to pursue a relationship (they are married, or too young/too old for me anyway), but just kind of show some sort of admiration I guess.
However, I also feel very uncomfortable about that. I am by nature a nice and friendly person. I really feel bad about being cold and unfriendly to other people. Also, I want to have a circle of contacts that I can talk with about my research and their research, and get feedback and/or inspiration from that. I am not sure how I am able to have that type of positive working relationships in this kind of situation.
Please give me some advice on how to handle a situation like this. Thank you in advance.
phd
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
OK, this is slightly awkward, but I guess I will just throw out the question and see what comes back.
I'm a PhD candidate from Asia currently visiting a prestigious university in Europe. Recently I've noticed quite some "strange" behaviours of male "colleagues" around me (by "colleagues", I don't mean that we work on the same projects or from the same office. They are just people who work at or visit this place: faculty members, PhDs, or research staff).
For example, these gentlemen seem to be giving me a bit of extra attention: following me to the pantry; "appearing" several times at the same time at the place that I'd show up; or even try to wait for me when I leave. (Please don't suggest that I might be overreacting - I am quite confident that I'm not exaggerating here.)
Honestly, I am more annoyed than flattered. I want to focus on my research and want to be able to have healthy, normal, constructive working relationships with these people. I don't want any extra attention other than that I am a dedicated and capable researcher, and a nice person in general. However, because of these strange behaviours, I have to try to distant myself from some of them who I have had some friendly exchanges before. I've become a bit cold and unapproachable to them - I guess I am trying to say that I am not interested in anything romantic, and I don't want any attention in that matter. I guess some people might say, well, just tell them openly that you are not interested. I simply am not able to do that: first, they don't say anything or do anything that would allow me to bring up this topic; second, some of them might not even really want to pursue a relationship (they are married, or too young/too old for me anyway), but just kind of show some sort of admiration I guess.
However, I also feel very uncomfortable about that. I am by nature a nice and friendly person. I really feel bad about being cold and unfriendly to other people. Also, I want to have a circle of contacts that I can talk with about my research and their research, and get feedback and/or inspiration from that. I am not sure how I am able to have that type of positive working relationships in this kind of situation.
Please give me some advice on how to handle a situation like this. Thank you in advance.
phd
phd
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 6 mins ago
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
asked 1 hour ago
LilyOfTheEast
613
613
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
4
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
4
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
1
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago
 |Â
show 8 more comments
Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
4
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
4
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
1
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago
Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
4
4
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
4
4
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
1
1
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago
 |Â
show 8 more comments
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
up vote
3
down vote
If there are any female faculty that you trust, I would go and talk with them about the situation. This would accomplish a few things.
Documents your concerns if anything ever escalates.
Allows for you to share your concerns with another person, who may be able to give you insight specific to your situation.
Allows you to verify if your colleagues are indeed being more than "just friendly." (As in, a third party may be able to silently observe some of the behavior and verify what is happening).
May open avenues administratively for departmental intervention such as a general email about sexual harassment or the like.
You do not even need to mention specific people in your conversations. This faculty member does not even need to be in your direct department.
I also would be prepared to "friend zone" these men if necessary. One challenge with female/male relationships is that it can be very difficult to read soft signals. There were girls I knew in school (I am male) that I wanted to get to know better. I would chat them up after class. And, I'll admit, I even went walking by their apartments a few time in hopes that they would be outside and we could talk. I did not have any nefarious intentions; I just wanted to make them like me. Even if they brushed me off a bit, I was not always really fast at taking a hint. I would just think they were having a rough day, or were busy. (Sometimes this actually made me want to stick around them more to make them feel better--I was naive). However, when one girl directly told me "I am only interesting in being your friend" that is when I realized that I was bothering her. We went on to have a congenial relationship at school, but did not do anything outside of school. Be prepared to directly tell your colleagues that you are only interested in keeping your relationship professional.
While you may not really want to directly tell these men that their attention in not wanted, that will honestly be the most effective way at fixing the situation I feel. This is especially true if you do not want to radically alter your lifestyle (e.g. leaving school at 2 a.m. so that they cannot wait for you).
If your colleagues are decent guys, they will not ignore stronger signals that you are not interested in their attention in they way they have been giving it.
If your colleagues are still too dense to take a clue (or blatantly ignore it), this is when it could be helpful to have an established dialogue with a female faculty member. You may need to initiate an administrative intervention.
Do not be afraid to severe a relationship if you have to. No one does themselves any service by trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously trying to keep their distance from them.
The clothes thing is odd, but I'm honestly not sure what you could do about that. The department cannot begin sending out emails saying "No one may dress like Lily." If you see someone that is blatantly copying you, I would call them out on it. Perhaps if they see that, yes, you did notice their clothes, and that, no, you were not amused, they will stop matching your clothes. This could be done in a joking manner if that makes it easier:
Woah Jim, you are wearing the exact shirt I was wearing yesterday! Have you been in my house? (said while chuckling and in the presence of other people)
I see you're wearing plaid. I have one ugly plaid shirt that I only wear on laundry day. Do you like wearing plaid? It makes me sort of dizzy! (Ha Ha Ha).
In closing, the fastest way to get this unwanted attention to end is to end it directly, either by telling the men themselves, or getting a person in authority to do so.
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
I am a male researcher who has worked alongside attractive female colleagues from different countries. I come from a sexist culture, where casual relationships are common. I think I can provide some general advice.
First and foremost, you have to understand the "new meat" physiological phenomenon. You're new to the place, and people are still checking you out (literally) and getting used to your presence. Men are particularly struck by attractive new comers in the scene. This effect should subside after some 2-3 months after they get used to seeing you around, and others arrive to divert their attention.
Furthermore you perhaps fit in some mode of local fetishist stereotype. Asian ladies are frequently a fetish in western societies. In this case I recommend you do not reinforce the fetish by avoiding behaviours and displays associated with the idea. If you think this is the case, and you correctly identify what they're fantasising about when you flutter around.
Finally, just manage your own circle of friends and learn to deal with physical attraction as a background noise to building up a true friendship with someone who's attracted to you. With time, people will appreciate you for what you are instead for what you look like.
Anyway, don't worry. Your aura should be weaker soon enough, naturally.
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
I can understand that this is a very annoying problem, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with that.
Order of business number one is probably to make sure that you are not reinforcing this kind of behavior - it's ok to be a bit cold when people "randomly" drop in on you whenever you happen to get a cup of coffee, and don't even appear to be charmed when they start imitating your style of clothing. In short, try to hang out with the people who act naturally and don't make you feel uncomfortable, and be a bit chilly towards the ones that do. Nothing at all wrong with that. Note that I am not suggesting to be actively unfriendly towards them, just keep your distance and most people will get the message soon enough. Unfortunately, some may not, and in these cases remaining distant is probably the best option.
However, even more importantly than that, I would suggest to find allies. Surely, you are not the only decent-looking girl in the entire organisational unit? Be proactive about this and try to befriend other people in a situation similar to yours. This has two advantages: firstly, you can be fairly certain about their intentions, and secondly you can share and validate your concerns, and discuss how they deal with this behavior. Find a trusted person, and talk openly to them about the behavior of your co-workers. Maybe some of the people that you have seen as creepy are in fact just friendly and/or weird towards all new hires? Having allies is also really important if the problems escalate to a level where you feel you need to report it - if other people have also observed that A, B, and C are acting really strangely towards you, it is much easier to make a case that you are not just imagining it.
Finally, and I understand that this may be little consolidation right now, I would assume that the novelty factor of having you around will cool off sooner or later. At that time it should become easier to develop normal workplace relationships with your colleagues (although I understand that by this time you may not really want to have too much of a relationship to some of these guys anymore).
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
 |Â
show 2 more comments
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
3
down vote
If there are any female faculty that you trust, I would go and talk with them about the situation. This would accomplish a few things.
Documents your concerns if anything ever escalates.
Allows for you to share your concerns with another person, who may be able to give you insight specific to your situation.
Allows you to verify if your colleagues are indeed being more than "just friendly." (As in, a third party may be able to silently observe some of the behavior and verify what is happening).
May open avenues administratively for departmental intervention such as a general email about sexual harassment or the like.
You do not even need to mention specific people in your conversations. This faculty member does not even need to be in your direct department.
I also would be prepared to "friend zone" these men if necessary. One challenge with female/male relationships is that it can be very difficult to read soft signals. There were girls I knew in school (I am male) that I wanted to get to know better. I would chat them up after class. And, I'll admit, I even went walking by their apartments a few time in hopes that they would be outside and we could talk. I did not have any nefarious intentions; I just wanted to make them like me. Even if they brushed me off a bit, I was not always really fast at taking a hint. I would just think they were having a rough day, or were busy. (Sometimes this actually made me want to stick around them more to make them feel better--I was naive). However, when one girl directly told me "I am only interesting in being your friend" that is when I realized that I was bothering her. We went on to have a congenial relationship at school, but did not do anything outside of school. Be prepared to directly tell your colleagues that you are only interested in keeping your relationship professional.
While you may not really want to directly tell these men that their attention in not wanted, that will honestly be the most effective way at fixing the situation I feel. This is especially true if you do not want to radically alter your lifestyle (e.g. leaving school at 2 a.m. so that they cannot wait for you).
If your colleagues are decent guys, they will not ignore stronger signals that you are not interested in their attention in they way they have been giving it.
If your colleagues are still too dense to take a clue (or blatantly ignore it), this is when it could be helpful to have an established dialogue with a female faculty member. You may need to initiate an administrative intervention.
Do not be afraid to severe a relationship if you have to. No one does themselves any service by trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously trying to keep their distance from them.
The clothes thing is odd, but I'm honestly not sure what you could do about that. The department cannot begin sending out emails saying "No one may dress like Lily." If you see someone that is blatantly copying you, I would call them out on it. Perhaps if they see that, yes, you did notice their clothes, and that, no, you were not amused, they will stop matching your clothes. This could be done in a joking manner if that makes it easier:
Woah Jim, you are wearing the exact shirt I was wearing yesterday! Have you been in my house? (said while chuckling and in the presence of other people)
I see you're wearing plaid. I have one ugly plaid shirt that I only wear on laundry day. Do you like wearing plaid? It makes me sort of dizzy! (Ha Ha Ha).
In closing, the fastest way to get this unwanted attention to end is to end it directly, either by telling the men themselves, or getting a person in authority to do so.
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
3
down vote
If there are any female faculty that you trust, I would go and talk with them about the situation. This would accomplish a few things.
Documents your concerns if anything ever escalates.
Allows for you to share your concerns with another person, who may be able to give you insight specific to your situation.
Allows you to verify if your colleagues are indeed being more than "just friendly." (As in, a third party may be able to silently observe some of the behavior and verify what is happening).
May open avenues administratively for departmental intervention such as a general email about sexual harassment or the like.
You do not even need to mention specific people in your conversations. This faculty member does not even need to be in your direct department.
I also would be prepared to "friend zone" these men if necessary. One challenge with female/male relationships is that it can be very difficult to read soft signals. There were girls I knew in school (I am male) that I wanted to get to know better. I would chat them up after class. And, I'll admit, I even went walking by their apartments a few time in hopes that they would be outside and we could talk. I did not have any nefarious intentions; I just wanted to make them like me. Even if they brushed me off a bit, I was not always really fast at taking a hint. I would just think they were having a rough day, or were busy. (Sometimes this actually made me want to stick around them more to make them feel better--I was naive). However, when one girl directly told me "I am only interesting in being your friend" that is when I realized that I was bothering her. We went on to have a congenial relationship at school, but did not do anything outside of school. Be prepared to directly tell your colleagues that you are only interested in keeping your relationship professional.
While you may not really want to directly tell these men that their attention in not wanted, that will honestly be the most effective way at fixing the situation I feel. This is especially true if you do not want to radically alter your lifestyle (e.g. leaving school at 2 a.m. so that they cannot wait for you).
If your colleagues are decent guys, they will not ignore stronger signals that you are not interested in their attention in they way they have been giving it.
If your colleagues are still too dense to take a clue (or blatantly ignore it), this is when it could be helpful to have an established dialogue with a female faculty member. You may need to initiate an administrative intervention.
Do not be afraid to severe a relationship if you have to. No one does themselves any service by trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously trying to keep their distance from them.
The clothes thing is odd, but I'm honestly not sure what you could do about that. The department cannot begin sending out emails saying "No one may dress like Lily." If you see someone that is blatantly copying you, I would call them out on it. Perhaps if they see that, yes, you did notice their clothes, and that, no, you were not amused, they will stop matching your clothes. This could be done in a joking manner if that makes it easier:
Woah Jim, you are wearing the exact shirt I was wearing yesterday! Have you been in my house? (said while chuckling and in the presence of other people)
I see you're wearing plaid. I have one ugly plaid shirt that I only wear on laundry day. Do you like wearing plaid? It makes me sort of dizzy! (Ha Ha Ha).
In closing, the fastest way to get this unwanted attention to end is to end it directly, either by telling the men themselves, or getting a person in authority to do so.
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
3
down vote
up vote
3
down vote
If there are any female faculty that you trust, I would go and talk with them about the situation. This would accomplish a few things.
Documents your concerns if anything ever escalates.
Allows for you to share your concerns with another person, who may be able to give you insight specific to your situation.
Allows you to verify if your colleagues are indeed being more than "just friendly." (As in, a third party may be able to silently observe some of the behavior and verify what is happening).
May open avenues administratively for departmental intervention such as a general email about sexual harassment or the like.
You do not even need to mention specific people in your conversations. This faculty member does not even need to be in your direct department.
I also would be prepared to "friend zone" these men if necessary. One challenge with female/male relationships is that it can be very difficult to read soft signals. There were girls I knew in school (I am male) that I wanted to get to know better. I would chat them up after class. And, I'll admit, I even went walking by their apartments a few time in hopes that they would be outside and we could talk. I did not have any nefarious intentions; I just wanted to make them like me. Even if they brushed me off a bit, I was not always really fast at taking a hint. I would just think they were having a rough day, or were busy. (Sometimes this actually made me want to stick around them more to make them feel better--I was naive). However, when one girl directly told me "I am only interesting in being your friend" that is when I realized that I was bothering her. We went on to have a congenial relationship at school, but did not do anything outside of school. Be prepared to directly tell your colleagues that you are only interested in keeping your relationship professional.
While you may not really want to directly tell these men that their attention in not wanted, that will honestly be the most effective way at fixing the situation I feel. This is especially true if you do not want to radically alter your lifestyle (e.g. leaving school at 2 a.m. so that they cannot wait for you).
If your colleagues are decent guys, they will not ignore stronger signals that you are not interested in their attention in they way they have been giving it.
If your colleagues are still too dense to take a clue (or blatantly ignore it), this is when it could be helpful to have an established dialogue with a female faculty member. You may need to initiate an administrative intervention.
Do not be afraid to severe a relationship if you have to. No one does themselves any service by trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously trying to keep their distance from them.
The clothes thing is odd, but I'm honestly not sure what you could do about that. The department cannot begin sending out emails saying "No one may dress like Lily." If you see someone that is blatantly copying you, I would call them out on it. Perhaps if they see that, yes, you did notice their clothes, and that, no, you were not amused, they will stop matching your clothes. This could be done in a joking manner if that makes it easier:
Woah Jim, you are wearing the exact shirt I was wearing yesterday! Have you been in my house? (said while chuckling and in the presence of other people)
I see you're wearing plaid. I have one ugly plaid shirt that I only wear on laundry day. Do you like wearing plaid? It makes me sort of dizzy! (Ha Ha Ha).
In closing, the fastest way to get this unwanted attention to end is to end it directly, either by telling the men themselves, or getting a person in authority to do so.
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
If there are any female faculty that you trust, I would go and talk with them about the situation. This would accomplish a few things.
Documents your concerns if anything ever escalates.
Allows for you to share your concerns with another person, who may be able to give you insight specific to your situation.
Allows you to verify if your colleagues are indeed being more than "just friendly." (As in, a third party may be able to silently observe some of the behavior and verify what is happening).
May open avenues administratively for departmental intervention such as a general email about sexual harassment or the like.
You do not even need to mention specific people in your conversations. This faculty member does not even need to be in your direct department.
I also would be prepared to "friend zone" these men if necessary. One challenge with female/male relationships is that it can be very difficult to read soft signals. There were girls I knew in school (I am male) that I wanted to get to know better. I would chat them up after class. And, I'll admit, I even went walking by their apartments a few time in hopes that they would be outside and we could talk. I did not have any nefarious intentions; I just wanted to make them like me. Even if they brushed me off a bit, I was not always really fast at taking a hint. I would just think they were having a rough day, or were busy. (Sometimes this actually made me want to stick around them more to make them feel better--I was naive). However, when one girl directly told me "I am only interesting in being your friend" that is when I realized that I was bothering her. We went on to have a congenial relationship at school, but did not do anything outside of school. Be prepared to directly tell your colleagues that you are only interested in keeping your relationship professional.
While you may not really want to directly tell these men that their attention in not wanted, that will honestly be the most effective way at fixing the situation I feel. This is especially true if you do not want to radically alter your lifestyle (e.g. leaving school at 2 a.m. so that they cannot wait for you).
If your colleagues are decent guys, they will not ignore stronger signals that you are not interested in their attention in they way they have been giving it.
If your colleagues are still too dense to take a clue (or blatantly ignore it), this is when it could be helpful to have an established dialogue with a female faculty member. You may need to initiate an administrative intervention.
Do not be afraid to severe a relationship if you have to. No one does themselves any service by trying to be friends with someone while simultaneously trying to keep their distance from them.
The clothes thing is odd, but I'm honestly not sure what you could do about that. The department cannot begin sending out emails saying "No one may dress like Lily." If you see someone that is blatantly copying you, I would call them out on it. Perhaps if they see that, yes, you did notice their clothes, and that, no, you were not amused, they will stop matching your clothes. This could be done in a joking manner if that makes it easier:
Woah Jim, you are wearing the exact shirt I was wearing yesterday! Have you been in my house? (said while chuckling and in the presence of other people)
I see you're wearing plaid. I have one ugly plaid shirt that I only wear on laundry day. Do you like wearing plaid? It makes me sort of dizzy! (Ha Ha Ha).
In closing, the fastest way to get this unwanted attention to end is to end it directly, either by telling the men themselves, or getting a person in authority to do so.
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
edited 25 mins ago
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
answered 31 mins ago
Vladhagen
4,85412042
4,85412042
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
add a comment |Â
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
Thank you Vladhagen for your comment. I appreciate that you share your own experience from a male perspective. Yes, maybe some of my male colleagues are simply just wanting to have some friendly and professional interaction, but they might not know very well how to do that. I will be more careful to filter out this type of interest and respond accordingly.
– LilyOfTheEast
4 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
I am a male researcher who has worked alongside attractive female colleagues from different countries. I come from a sexist culture, where casual relationships are common. I think I can provide some general advice.
First and foremost, you have to understand the "new meat" physiological phenomenon. You're new to the place, and people are still checking you out (literally) and getting used to your presence. Men are particularly struck by attractive new comers in the scene. This effect should subside after some 2-3 months after they get used to seeing you around, and others arrive to divert their attention.
Furthermore you perhaps fit in some mode of local fetishist stereotype. Asian ladies are frequently a fetish in western societies. In this case I recommend you do not reinforce the fetish by avoiding behaviours and displays associated with the idea. If you think this is the case, and you correctly identify what they're fantasising about when you flutter around.
Finally, just manage your own circle of friends and learn to deal with physical attraction as a background noise to building up a true friendship with someone who's attracted to you. With time, people will appreciate you for what you are instead for what you look like.
Anyway, don't worry. Your aura should be weaker soon enough, naturally.
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
I am a male researcher who has worked alongside attractive female colleagues from different countries. I come from a sexist culture, where casual relationships are common. I think I can provide some general advice.
First and foremost, you have to understand the "new meat" physiological phenomenon. You're new to the place, and people are still checking you out (literally) and getting used to your presence. Men are particularly struck by attractive new comers in the scene. This effect should subside after some 2-3 months after they get used to seeing you around, and others arrive to divert their attention.
Furthermore you perhaps fit in some mode of local fetishist stereotype. Asian ladies are frequently a fetish in western societies. In this case I recommend you do not reinforce the fetish by avoiding behaviours and displays associated with the idea. If you think this is the case, and you correctly identify what they're fantasising about when you flutter around.
Finally, just manage your own circle of friends and learn to deal with physical attraction as a background noise to building up a true friendship with someone who's attracted to you. With time, people will appreciate you for what you are instead for what you look like.
Anyway, don't worry. Your aura should be weaker soon enough, naturally.
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
up vote
1
down vote
I am a male researcher who has worked alongside attractive female colleagues from different countries. I come from a sexist culture, where casual relationships are common. I think I can provide some general advice.
First and foremost, you have to understand the "new meat" physiological phenomenon. You're new to the place, and people are still checking you out (literally) and getting used to your presence. Men are particularly struck by attractive new comers in the scene. This effect should subside after some 2-3 months after they get used to seeing you around, and others arrive to divert their attention.
Furthermore you perhaps fit in some mode of local fetishist stereotype. Asian ladies are frequently a fetish in western societies. In this case I recommend you do not reinforce the fetish by avoiding behaviours and displays associated with the idea. If you think this is the case, and you correctly identify what they're fantasising about when you flutter around.
Finally, just manage your own circle of friends and learn to deal with physical attraction as a background noise to building up a true friendship with someone who's attracted to you. With time, people will appreciate you for what you are instead for what you look like.
Anyway, don't worry. Your aura should be weaker soon enough, naturally.
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
I am a male researcher who has worked alongside attractive female colleagues from different countries. I come from a sexist culture, where casual relationships are common. I think I can provide some general advice.
First and foremost, you have to understand the "new meat" physiological phenomenon. You're new to the place, and people are still checking you out (literally) and getting used to your presence. Men are particularly struck by attractive new comers in the scene. This effect should subside after some 2-3 months after they get used to seeing you around, and others arrive to divert their attention.
Furthermore you perhaps fit in some mode of local fetishist stereotype. Asian ladies are frequently a fetish in western societies. In this case I recommend you do not reinforce the fetish by avoiding behaviours and displays associated with the idea. If you think this is the case, and you correctly identify what they're fantasising about when you flutter around.
Finally, just manage your own circle of friends and learn to deal with physical attraction as a background noise to building up a true friendship with someone who's attracted to you. With time, people will appreciate you for what you are instead for what you look like.
Anyway, don't worry. Your aura should be weaker soon enough, naturally.
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
answered 31 mins ago
Scientist
5,84612253
5,84612253
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
add a comment |Â
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
@ Scientist, thank you for your reply. This is quite insightful. That leads me to another question that I've been wanting to ask... I think you are right that I probably fit in some fetishist stereotypes (I've been told by other females in this country that I look like an Asian doll :( ). I have always been careful not to behave unprofessionally at the workplace, but I still dress in the feminine style (nothing inappropriate of course). My question is - would it be advisable that I dress in a more neutral way and try to downplay my (natural) femininity? I'd be sad if I had to though.
– LilyOfTheEast
9 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
I can understand that this is a very annoying problem, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with that.
Order of business number one is probably to make sure that you are not reinforcing this kind of behavior - it's ok to be a bit cold when people "randomly" drop in on you whenever you happen to get a cup of coffee, and don't even appear to be charmed when they start imitating your style of clothing. In short, try to hang out with the people who act naturally and don't make you feel uncomfortable, and be a bit chilly towards the ones that do. Nothing at all wrong with that. Note that I am not suggesting to be actively unfriendly towards them, just keep your distance and most people will get the message soon enough. Unfortunately, some may not, and in these cases remaining distant is probably the best option.
However, even more importantly than that, I would suggest to find allies. Surely, you are not the only decent-looking girl in the entire organisational unit? Be proactive about this and try to befriend other people in a situation similar to yours. This has two advantages: firstly, you can be fairly certain about their intentions, and secondly you can share and validate your concerns, and discuss how they deal with this behavior. Find a trusted person, and talk openly to them about the behavior of your co-workers. Maybe some of the people that you have seen as creepy are in fact just friendly and/or weird towards all new hires? Having allies is also really important if the problems escalate to a level where you feel you need to report it - if other people have also observed that A, B, and C are acting really strangely towards you, it is much easier to make a case that you are not just imagining it.
Finally, and I understand that this may be little consolidation right now, I would assume that the novelty factor of having you around will cool off sooner or later. At that time it should become easier to develop normal workplace relationships with your colleagues (although I understand that by this time you may not really want to have too much of a relationship to some of these guys anymore).
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
 |Â
show 2 more comments
up vote
0
down vote
I can understand that this is a very annoying problem, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with that.
Order of business number one is probably to make sure that you are not reinforcing this kind of behavior - it's ok to be a bit cold when people "randomly" drop in on you whenever you happen to get a cup of coffee, and don't even appear to be charmed when they start imitating your style of clothing. In short, try to hang out with the people who act naturally and don't make you feel uncomfortable, and be a bit chilly towards the ones that do. Nothing at all wrong with that. Note that I am not suggesting to be actively unfriendly towards them, just keep your distance and most people will get the message soon enough. Unfortunately, some may not, and in these cases remaining distant is probably the best option.
However, even more importantly than that, I would suggest to find allies. Surely, you are not the only decent-looking girl in the entire organisational unit? Be proactive about this and try to befriend other people in a situation similar to yours. This has two advantages: firstly, you can be fairly certain about their intentions, and secondly you can share and validate your concerns, and discuss how they deal with this behavior. Find a trusted person, and talk openly to them about the behavior of your co-workers. Maybe some of the people that you have seen as creepy are in fact just friendly and/or weird towards all new hires? Having allies is also really important if the problems escalate to a level where you feel you need to report it - if other people have also observed that A, B, and C are acting really strangely towards you, it is much easier to make a case that you are not just imagining it.
Finally, and I understand that this may be little consolidation right now, I would assume that the novelty factor of having you around will cool off sooner or later. At that time it should become easier to develop normal workplace relationships with your colleagues (although I understand that by this time you may not really want to have too much of a relationship to some of these guys anymore).
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
 |Â
show 2 more comments
up vote
0
down vote
up vote
0
down vote
I can understand that this is a very annoying problem, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with that.
Order of business number one is probably to make sure that you are not reinforcing this kind of behavior - it's ok to be a bit cold when people "randomly" drop in on you whenever you happen to get a cup of coffee, and don't even appear to be charmed when they start imitating your style of clothing. In short, try to hang out with the people who act naturally and don't make you feel uncomfortable, and be a bit chilly towards the ones that do. Nothing at all wrong with that. Note that I am not suggesting to be actively unfriendly towards them, just keep your distance and most people will get the message soon enough. Unfortunately, some may not, and in these cases remaining distant is probably the best option.
However, even more importantly than that, I would suggest to find allies. Surely, you are not the only decent-looking girl in the entire organisational unit? Be proactive about this and try to befriend other people in a situation similar to yours. This has two advantages: firstly, you can be fairly certain about their intentions, and secondly you can share and validate your concerns, and discuss how they deal with this behavior. Find a trusted person, and talk openly to them about the behavior of your co-workers. Maybe some of the people that you have seen as creepy are in fact just friendly and/or weird towards all new hires? Having allies is also really important if the problems escalate to a level where you feel you need to report it - if other people have also observed that A, B, and C are acting really strangely towards you, it is much easier to make a case that you are not just imagining it.
Finally, and I understand that this may be little consolidation right now, I would assume that the novelty factor of having you around will cool off sooner or later. At that time it should become easier to develop normal workplace relationships with your colleagues (although I understand that by this time you may not really want to have too much of a relationship to some of these guys anymore).
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
I can understand that this is a very annoying problem, and I am truly sorry that you have to deal with that.
Order of business number one is probably to make sure that you are not reinforcing this kind of behavior - it's ok to be a bit cold when people "randomly" drop in on you whenever you happen to get a cup of coffee, and don't even appear to be charmed when they start imitating your style of clothing. In short, try to hang out with the people who act naturally and don't make you feel uncomfortable, and be a bit chilly towards the ones that do. Nothing at all wrong with that. Note that I am not suggesting to be actively unfriendly towards them, just keep your distance and most people will get the message soon enough. Unfortunately, some may not, and in these cases remaining distant is probably the best option.
However, even more importantly than that, I would suggest to find allies. Surely, you are not the only decent-looking girl in the entire organisational unit? Be proactive about this and try to befriend other people in a situation similar to yours. This has two advantages: firstly, you can be fairly certain about their intentions, and secondly you can share and validate your concerns, and discuss how they deal with this behavior. Find a trusted person, and talk openly to them about the behavior of your co-workers. Maybe some of the people that you have seen as creepy are in fact just friendly and/or weird towards all new hires? Having allies is also really important if the problems escalate to a level where you feel you need to report it - if other people have also observed that A, B, and C are acting really strangely towards you, it is much easier to make a case that you are not just imagining it.
Finally, and I understand that this may be little consolidation right now, I would assume that the novelty factor of having you around will cool off sooner or later. At that time it should become easier to develop normal workplace relationships with your colleagues (although I understand that by this time you may not really want to have too much of a relationship to some of these guys anymore).
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
answered 40 mins ago
xLeitix
94.9k34227373
94.9k34227373
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
 |Â
show 2 more comments
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
Thank you for your advice xLeitix. I unfortunately am one of the very few female researchers here - this field is rather masculine and male-dominated. Also, I've been here for a few good months now, but it is only recently that this becomes so obvious that it annoys me. I am sure most of these people are harmless (only 1 of the, ergh, old, faculty members who asking me out for dinner via work email who I rejected clearly, twice) - that is what makes the situation difficult. I really want to be nice and gentle to them without causing too much hard feelings.
– LilyOfTheEast
36 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast In the entire department / company? Maybe you need to look a bit further out of your immediate surroundings. I also work in a very male-dominated field (CS), but there are still at least a dozen or two women in our entire department.
– xLeitix
34 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
This is rather weird, but the entire department so far has only one female visiting faculty. The other females who work here are either in the admin function, or on short-term research supporting roles.
– LilyOfTheEast
22 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast How good are you with your boss / advisor? Do you feel comfortable telling him that he needs to prioritize diverse hiring, because that place feels toxic like shit.
– xLeitix
20 mins ago
1
1
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast Still, raise the issue with him if you feel comfortable doing so. He should be aware how you feel, even if he can't immediately do anything about it.
– xLeitix
15 mins ago
 |Â
show 2 more comments
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
LilyOfTheEast is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
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Very minor question: What does "dressing in a way that would correspond to my attire" mean?
– user2768
1 hour ago
4
@user2768 I would interpret this as "Lily is wearing a lot of vintage clothing. I guess she likes vintage. I guess I should start wearing some vintage cloths as well.". And yes, this happens :)
– xLeitix
58 mins ago
4
@ user 2768 One example would this. For example, if I'd dress in orange/brown the day before, I'd start noticing people in brown the following day; or if I'd dress in a plaid pattern, I'd notice something similar. It is subtle and it might involve some female instincts to notice (honestly, I believe it has become rather obvious for anyone to notice), but I can assure you that I am not crazy when I say this. I have other better examples that I'm not able to share - otherwise, anybody from this office who might be reading this thread would be able to immediately identify me.
– LilyOfTheEast
43 mins ago
1
@xLeitix and @ LilyOfTheEast Wow! That's weird.
– user2768
41 mins ago
@LilyOfTheEast I'm not laughing at all. I 100% believe you.
– xLeitix
40 mins ago