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Question

My girlfriend and I are both in our early 20's in the US. We have been together for almost 3 years and have been living together for a few months now.

While I've been with other girls before her, I am her first for everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first everything. This has been a sore point for her and though I don't consider it a big deal, I know that it's something she dwells on. We've had many long conversations about it in which I try to emphasize that I'm not with those people anymore, I'm with her now because I love her now. However, while she may put it out of her mind for a time, I know it's something she always comes back to.

Early in the relationship, maybe two years ago, we had a conversation about my past relationships where she wanted to know who I had been with and what we'd done. Knowing already about her insecurities with my past relationships, I withheld some of what I did. I told her about all the girls, but I specifically told her I only kissed a girl I in fact slept with (this would be a big deal as outside of my girlfriend I'd only slept with two other girls).

I know this was wrong and whatever pain I was trying to shield her from will only worse now when she finds out. It was honestly probably mostly selfish of me to withhold the information anyways. But it's something that's been eating at me all these years.

We just had another conversation about my past the other day, and I was forced to continue the act. I really love this girl and I don't want to continue hiding things from her, even if they happened years and years ago.

How can I come clean about my past and tell her how much actually happened in a way that will minimize both her mistrust of me and her self-consciousness?

(Note: I'm completely open to a frame challenge that argues against telling her at all, but as I'm pretty set on telling her, it would have to be a very strong argument)

One factor that might complicate things is whether any of your previous partners are still in your life; if you're still friends with them, they live down the street from you, they work with your brother, etc. — 40 mins ago

baldPrussian 22k115181 · Answer 1 · 2018-09-24 15:43:35Z

I've been married for over 20 years and have discovered a couple of things.

She's always going to find out

It's better if you tell her

You both have pasts that you have no control over

A lot of this depends on the strength of your relationship. If it's still fragile, then you've got a whole different issue going on after 2 years. But let's say things are going well.

I'd suggest picking a time when you both don't have a lot of other things going on. So don't do this at a family gathering, holiday, or important event. Take an evening when you both are calm and not in the middle of some other discussion. Then, lay it out. "There's something I haven't told you. My thought process was this..." and explain WHY you chose to not tell her. Take responsibility for your decision and apologize, and then lay out what you should have told her. I've found that just telling her works better than getting into a long explanation: tell her what you have held back, give a short explanation why, and then apologize for messing up.

It's important to tell her everything you held back at this discussion. If you tell her more later, she'll question whether there's other stuff you haven't told her. That can be... damaging to your relationship.

And I'm guessing after all that it's just a matter of waiting and letting her be upset with me until she accepts what happened? Any special advice for what I can do while in the doghouse? — yesterday
When you're in the doghouse, don't try too hard to get out of it. Let her be mad, let her process it, and wait for her on the other side. There's nothing you can do to speed up the process and anything you try will just look desperate. the big thing is to show her that it's past and not your current state. — yesterday
This advice is ABSOLUTE GOLD for any person in a relationship. This advice applies whether or not you're a man/woman/attack helicopter. Being honest and truthful with your SO is paramount. — 9 mins ago
It may even be beneficial to self-allocate an outcome/punishment to show her how bad you feel it is. Something like "I completely understand if you're disappointed and mad at me for making a bad decision." or "I don't expect this to be an easy thing to forgive without proving I can do better going forward." Suggesting things in this manner may avoid the thoughts of it being permanent damage, as opposed to a temporary emotional moment. — 9 mins ago

apaul 45.9k23156226 · Answer 2 · 2018-09-24 16:05:03Z

Your only mistake was lying about things when asked the first time...

It may be an unpopular opinion, but you still have a right to privacy in a romantic relationship. Your past is your past, and you shouldn't be coerced into divulging intimate details that you aren't comfortable sharing. It's one thing to get to know someone, it's something else when they're grilling you for information that they'll hold against you later.

It sounds like these questions are coming from a place of insecurity, which is a red flag on it's own. If she "needs" to know all the intimate details of your previous relationships for any other reason than simply getting to know you better, it's perhaps a sign that she's not really ready for an adult relationship. As you get older, it should probably be expected that your partner has dated other people before you. Thinking less of them, or constantly questioning how you measure up, is a strong indicator of immaturity and self esteem issues.

Your initial response could have been something more along the lines of:

I don't kiss and tell.

Or:

The past is the past, I'd rather not discuss my failed relationships.

Or, perhaps ideally, you could have unapologetically laid your past out on the table. If she could accept your past relationships as just more background information about you, then great; if she couldn't it would have been better to move on early.

But.... That ship has already sailed. So, if you really want to continue the relationship with this person you'll likely need to come clean. Not because she has a right to know any of it, but because you made the mistake of lying about it.

Your best bet will probably be to focus on apologizing for the lies. Your mistake wasn't the previous relationship, it was lying about it. Like any apology, admit what you did wrong, accept responsibility, and be prepared to accept the consequences.

Try not to excuse yourself with things like "I wasn't honest because..." Or "I was just trying to protect you" Having a reason for your actions isn't the same as having an excuse. You had reasons, but they're not great reasons, and they're not going to make the lies feel better. And I suspect if we're being honest, you lied to protect yourself as much as you lied to protect her.

Basically, you screwed up. Now it's time to admit it, apologize, accept that she's going to be hurt and angry, and see whether this current relationship is going to be salvageable.

If you find that she can't forgive you, returns to the subject to pick at old wounds, it may be better for the both of you to take it as a lesson learned and go your separate ways.

score 13 · Answer 3 · 2018-09-24 22:16:21Z

Firstly, please take a good look at what you have actually written.

You wrote that:

You need to tell her because it is "eating at you"

When you tell her, she will likely react with "self-consciousness and mistrust".

She is already very bothered that you have more "experience" than she does.

It was "selfish of you to withhold the information" in the first place.

So you want to tell her in order to make yourself feel better even if it makes your girlfriend feel worse?

It sounds to me that if you do this, you are just being selfish again.

You didn't do anything so terribly wrong. You may have had selfish reasons but you were also protecting her feelings. You also avoided revealing secrets between you and your ex-es who also have their rights to privacy.

Your whole reasoning is in fact so flawed, that I need to ask you: Are you sure that all this is not an elaborate pretense aimed at achieving some other goal. Perhaps you are looking to hurt your girlfriend or feed her doubt? Perhaps you want her to break up with you?

I really suggest you talk to a therapist or at least a very good friend before you go through with this.

Nid 1151 · Answer 4 · 2018-09-24 18:46:26Z

up vote
8
down vote

It shouldn't matter to her what is in your past. That should be the end of it. If I were you I would just tell her the next time she brings it up that you don't want to discuss it. Her looking into your past is not going to help anything, it's not going to change anything.

You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to divulge every intimate detail that is in your past. If someone asked me about everyone I slept with I would find if offensive that they even asked!

answered 21 hours ago

Nid

1151

New contributor

4

Thank you for your input. I understand this is how you feel, but my girlfriend does not feel the same way. It's similar to this answer. Even if I may not be able to relate to her reasons, I can't deny her feelings. I also can't imagine our relationship lasting if I took this point of view any time she did something I disagree with. Relationships are all about give and take and I dropped the ball on this one so I want to do the best I can for her.
â€“Â user22026
21 hours ago

3

Nid, I think you are on the right track, but perhaps some more stuff in the answer about setting some boundaries in relationships.
â€“Â DaveG
21 hours ago

If you take into account what the OP said and what DaveG said, I think this answer is on its way to being a good idea, but without sufficient content and a thought-through explanation of why this is a good idea, it won't fare well. Check out our Frame Challenge definition on meta, maybe you can get some ideas from there on how to improve this.
â€“Â ElizB
18 hours ago

add a commentÂ |Â

alexjbrown2 872 · Answer 5 · 2018-09-24 19:48:37Z

I disagree with the first answer and "She'll always find out".. If she hasn't said anything for two years, why would she all of a sudden find out now. Bringing it back up now will only bring up trouble and shatter any trust you've built up, even if that trust was built on 1 minor oversight. The longer you wait, the easier it will be to forgive, imo. Plus, if you wait long enough she might even forget that you didn't tell her about the sleeping together thing.

I don't believe you should feel any guilt over sugar-coating your past. As long as anything you had in the past is completely over and could never happen again.

Lying is never the solution, and maybe OP does not feel good when lying to his partner, and especially when she always brings this topic up he is "forced" to lie over and over again. — 9 hours ago

DaveG 3,2691724 · Answer 6 · 2018-09-25 10:48:45Z

A "frame challenge" to the idea that you must continue to respond to your girlfriend's request for more details of your past:

You did nothing wrong by not revealing every detail of your past

It's normal that people don't discuss detailed romance and sexual history. The past is the past. Dwelling on the past causes confusion and blurs the present. The only exception is when that history is likely to impact the current romance, such as a vengeful ex. You did nothing wrong by not doing a "tell all" about your past, and your girlfriend should not be making you feel guilty.

You aren't going to help your girlfriend by telling her more details about the past.

This has been a sore point for her and though I don't consider it a big deal, I know that it's something she dwells on.

If after all you've told her, she's still "dwelling" on it, she has a problem with the very idea that you have a past. This problem affects your relationship, but it's not your problem to solve. You can help her with it, but you can't solve it for her. Whatever you tell her won't fix her insecurity.

If she is insecure about women in your past, she will be insecure about women in the present

"Coming clean" about the past may seem like a quick fix, but it's just opening the door to more trouble. What will happen when you work with women? Or go to a gym or join a running group that has women? Perhaps she's only disturbed by comparisons with past girlfriends, but there is at least a strong possibility that she's going to be upset by friendly relationships with other women in the present.

You are showing her by your actions now that she has nothing to worry about. Continue to treat her with respect and love, but also establish reasonable boundaries, and close the door on the past.

These are excellent points, but they don't don't address how the OP can deal with the lie(s) he has already told. — 44 mins ago

score 1 · Answer 7 · 2018-09-25 10:38:49Z

What she wants from you is not healthy. You have done nothing wrong in the past; you had relationships before her which happens to most people, and remember there is in any case another woman involved whose privacy she ought to respect.

Trying to shield her is not the right approach. It's unhealthy wanting to know these details of your past, and if you are trying to hide it, that just makes her want to know more. Tell her clearly that whatever happened between you and that other woman is in the past, and it's your business and that other woman's business only.

You know that telling her is not good for her. You know that trying to hide things and shielding her is not good for her. A strict "no" is better for everyone involved. And frankly, you shouldn't violate the privacy of your ex-girlfriend, and most women wouldn't trust a man who would do that.

It was a mistake telling her anything. It was a bigger mistake to lie - there was no need to lie, a straight "no" would have done. There is no reason to repeat that mistake. If she asks again, you can say "I should have never told you anything, that was a mistake. It's in the past. Whatever happened, it happened before I met you, and I didn't do anything wrong, so it doesn't matter. " You say you are "forced to continue the act". No, you are not. If your girlfriend wants to know things, and you think telling her hurts her, then you don't lie, you say "No, I'm not telling you".

I understand how this may be an answer to "How can I respond to my girlfriend when she asks me about my history?" but I'm not sure how it applies to this situation. OP already decided to tell his girlfriend about things and lie about it too. Can you clarify how your answer is a response to OP's current situation? — 14 hours ago

Ruadhan2300 66719 · Answer 8 · 2018-09-25 12:33:08Z

If you're going to come clean, now is the time.

Broad recap:

The first time she inquired about it, you decided to withhold part of the information, I'd consider this a bad move, but not exactly uncommon, I'm a little surprised you felt that three sexual encounters was substantially "worse" than two. but there it is.

The second (I assume) was only a few days ago and you upheld your original lie.

Anywhere up to a few days after that is narratively the perfect time to approach with a "I'm sorry, I'm feeling guilty about this" conversation. You've had time to reflect on the mistake and conclude that you need to take action.

If you leave it a week, it'll be further and further away and it'll be less fresh in her mind. Context is everything, so Do it now.

Don't make any excuses, admit that lying was stupid and that it's been eating at you ever since. Reinforce that you love her and apologise sincerely. If she takes it badly, take the consequences on the chin and wait patiently for her to cool off.

That's how to come clean. It's not likely to be as tidy as that, but being honest and open, apologising and accepting the consequences is the only way to break this sensitively.

Will she be happier for knowing you lied and covered it up? Probably not, but the reveal and apology will demonstrate how you feel and she may well feel more secure that this relatively minor thing is the worst you have to hide.

Willem 745114 · Answer 9 · 2018-09-25 09:58:12Z

This seems like something that bears heavily on you. My advice to you would be to tell her what you just told millions of strangers on the Internet. You thought you were protecting her by not telling her, but you have realized that it was wrong and selfish.

Make sure you are the one who initiates this discussion, don't wait until she asks again. Tell her that you want to talk to her about something that has been bothering you for a long time now. Three years is a long time to be together, and all of those other people are in the past, but you keeping that from her is in the present. When something like that weighs on your mind, you can't be 100% yourself with her, and that's not fair to either of you.

Hi, can you edit your answer to add why you think this is a good idea? Have you had previously used this technic with success? — 7 hours ago
I felt your introduction to be counter-productive; though it may serve as an icebreaker, it distracts (it adds no content and doesn't foreshadow) and it made me uncomfortable. The ending could potentially work, but right now it could easily result in arguments. Brought plainly, instead of as wrapping for a peace offering, it is dismissive and insensitive. Seeing how you provide no context I removed it for now, to make your answer stronger. I think you can make both the beginning and the end work, but both require more refinement, before they work reliably for "the asker" and "other readers". — 6 hours ago

Negotiate 251 · Answer 10 · 2018-09-25 04:42:41Z

Okay, you have told a lie. That happened in the past and cannot be changed. Now after telling a lie, you are in 1 of 2 states. Either everything is all good, or someone is going to find out you lied.

If you are in the first of these states, don't come clean, it will not make you feel better about yourself and it will forever damage your relationship, probably beyond repair. Especially since the thing that you lied about is trivial and silly. To her it will be less about the content and more about the existence of a lie at all, and you will break any trust the two of you have. Following that she will become suspicious of other things you have told her in the past.

Now if it the the later case, she is about to find out, then you are probably best diverting and doubling down. Mainly for the reasons discussed above.

Whatever you do, do not do it because of you "conscious" or feeling guilt, not only are those selfish, but more than anything they result in a sub par end result. If you haven't got the ability to sell the lie, or the stomach to live with it, then don't lie in the first place. It can literally never end well.

This doesn't address how to come clean. If you want to provide a frame challenge to the answer ("don't come clean, do this instead"), please explain why and how it would work. — 6 hours ago

baldPrussian 22k115181 · Answer 11 · 2018-09-24 15:43:35Z

I've been married for over 20 years and have discovered a couple of things.

She's always going to find out

It's better if you tell her

You both have pasts that you have no control over

A lot of this depends on the strength of your relationship. If it's still fragile, then you've got a whole different issue going on after 2 years. But let's say things are going well.

I'd suggest picking a time when you both don't have a lot of other things going on. So don't do this at a family gathering, holiday, or important event. Take an evening when you both are calm and not in the middle of some other discussion. Then, lay it out. "There's something I haven't told you. My thought process was this..." and explain WHY you chose to not tell her. Take responsibility for your decision and apologize, and then lay out what you should have told her. I've found that just telling her works better than getting into a long explanation: tell her what you have held back, give a short explanation why, and then apologize for messing up.

It's important to tell her everything you held back at this discussion. If you tell her more later, she'll question whether there's other stuff you haven't told her. That can be... damaging to your relationship.

And I'm guessing after all that it's just a matter of waiting and letting her be upset with me until she accepts what happened? Any special advice for what I can do while in the doghouse? — yesterday
When you're in the doghouse, don't try too hard to get out of it. Let her be mad, let her process it, and wait for her on the other side. There's nothing you can do to speed up the process and anything you try will just look desperate. the big thing is to show her that it's past and not your current state. — yesterday
This advice is ABSOLUTE GOLD for any person in a relationship. This advice applies whether or not you're a man/woman/attack helicopter. Being honest and truthful with your SO is paramount. — 9 mins ago
It may even be beneficial to self-allocate an outcome/punishment to show her how bad you feel it is. Something like "I completely understand if you're disappointed and mad at me for making a bad decision." or "I don't expect this to be an easy thing to forgive without proving I can do better going forward." Suggesting things in this manner may avoid the thoughts of it being permanent damage, as opposed to a temporary emotional moment. — 9 mins ago

apaul 45.9k23156226 · Answer 12 · 2018-09-24 16:05:03Z

Your only mistake was lying about things when asked the first time...

It may be an unpopular opinion, but you still have a right to privacy in a romantic relationship. Your past is your past, and you shouldn't be coerced into divulging intimate details that you aren't comfortable sharing. It's one thing to get to know someone, it's something else when they're grilling you for information that they'll hold against you later.

It sounds like these questions are coming from a place of insecurity, which is a red flag on it's own. If she "needs" to know all the intimate details of your previous relationships for any other reason than simply getting to know you better, it's perhaps a sign that she's not really ready for an adult relationship. As you get older, it should probably be expected that your partner has dated other people before you. Thinking less of them, or constantly questioning how you measure up, is a strong indicator of immaturity and self esteem issues.

Your initial response could have been something more along the lines of:

I don't kiss and tell.

Or:

The past is the past, I'd rather not discuss my failed relationships.

Or, perhaps ideally, you could have unapologetically laid your past out on the table. If she could accept your past relationships as just more background information about you, then great; if she couldn't it would have been better to move on early.

But.... That ship has already sailed. So, if you really want to continue the relationship with this person you'll likely need to come clean. Not because she has a right to know any of it, but because you made the mistake of lying about it.

Your best bet will probably be to focus on apologizing for the lies. Your mistake wasn't the previous relationship, it was lying about it. Like any apology, admit what you did wrong, accept responsibility, and be prepared to accept the consequences.

Try not to excuse yourself with things like "I wasn't honest because..." Or "I was just trying to protect you" Having a reason for your actions isn't the same as having an excuse. You had reasons, but they're not great reasons, and they're not going to make the lies feel better. And I suspect if we're being honest, you lied to protect yourself as much as you lied to protect her.

Basically, you screwed up. Now it's time to admit it, apologize, accept that she's going to be hurt and angry, and see whether this current relationship is going to be salvageable.

If you find that she can't forgive you, returns to the subject to pick at old wounds, it may be better for the both of you to take it as a lesson learned and go your separate ways.

score 13 · Answer 13 · 2018-09-24 22:16:21Z

Firstly, please take a good look at what you have actually written.

You wrote that:

You need to tell her because it is "eating at you"

When you tell her, she will likely react with "self-consciousness and mistrust".

She is already very bothered that you have more "experience" than she does.

It was "selfish of you to withhold the information" in the first place.

So you want to tell her in order to make yourself feel better even if it makes your girlfriend feel worse?

It sounds to me that if you do this, you are just being selfish again.

You didn't do anything so terribly wrong. You may have had selfish reasons but you were also protecting her feelings. You also avoided revealing secrets between you and your ex-es who also have their rights to privacy.

Your whole reasoning is in fact so flawed, that I need to ask you: Are you sure that all this is not an elaborate pretense aimed at achieving some other goal. Perhaps you are looking to hurt your girlfriend or feed her doubt? Perhaps you want her to break up with you?

I really suggest you talk to a therapist or at least a very good friend before you go through with this.

Nid 1151 · Answer 14 · 2018-09-24 18:46:26Z

up vote
8
down vote

It shouldn't matter to her what is in your past. That should be the end of it. If I were you I would just tell her the next time she brings it up that you don't want to discuss it. Her looking into your past is not going to help anything, it's not going to change anything.

You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to divulge every intimate detail that is in your past. If someone asked me about everyone I slept with I would find if offensive that they even asked!

answered 21 hours ago

Nid

1151

New contributor

4

Thank you for your input. I understand this is how you feel, but my girlfriend does not feel the same way. It's similar to this answer. Even if I may not be able to relate to her reasons, I can't deny her feelings. I also can't imagine our relationship lasting if I took this point of view any time she did something I disagree with. Relationships are all about give and take and I dropped the ball on this one so I want to do the best I can for her.
â€“Â user22026
21 hours ago

3

Nid, I think you are on the right track, but perhaps some more stuff in the answer about setting some boundaries in relationships.
â€“Â DaveG
21 hours ago

If you take into account what the OP said and what DaveG said, I think this answer is on its way to being a good idea, but without sufficient content and a thought-through explanation of why this is a good idea, it won't fare well. Check out our Frame Challenge definition on meta, maybe you can get some ideas from there on how to improve this.
â€“Â ElizB
18 hours ago

add a commentÂ |Â

alexjbrown2 872 · Answer 15 · 2018-09-24 19:48:37Z

I disagree with the first answer and "She'll always find out".. If she hasn't said anything for two years, why would she all of a sudden find out now. Bringing it back up now will only bring up trouble and shatter any trust you've built up, even if that trust was built on 1 minor oversight. The longer you wait, the easier it will be to forgive, imo. Plus, if you wait long enough she might even forget that you didn't tell her about the sleeping together thing.

I don't believe you should feel any guilt over sugar-coating your past. As long as anything you had in the past is completely over and could never happen again.

Lying is never the solution, and maybe OP does not feel good when lying to his partner, and especially when she always brings this topic up he is "forced" to lie over and over again. — 9 hours ago

DaveG 3,2691724 · Answer 16 · 2018-09-25 10:48:45Z

A "frame challenge" to the idea that you must continue to respond to your girlfriend's request for more details of your past:

You did nothing wrong by not revealing every detail of your past

It's normal that people don't discuss detailed romance and sexual history. The past is the past. Dwelling on the past causes confusion and blurs the present. The only exception is when that history is likely to impact the current romance, such as a vengeful ex. You did nothing wrong by not doing a "tell all" about your past, and your girlfriend should not be making you feel guilty.

You aren't going to help your girlfriend by telling her more details about the past.

This has been a sore point for her and though I don't consider it a big deal, I know that it's something she dwells on.

If after all you've told her, she's still "dwelling" on it, she has a problem with the very idea that you have a past. This problem affects your relationship, but it's not your problem to solve. You can help her with it, but you can't solve it for her. Whatever you tell her won't fix her insecurity.

If she is insecure about women in your past, she will be insecure about women in the present

"Coming clean" about the past may seem like a quick fix, but it's just opening the door to more trouble. What will happen when you work with women? Or go to a gym or join a running group that has women? Perhaps she's only disturbed by comparisons with past girlfriends, but there is at least a strong possibility that she's going to be upset by friendly relationships with other women in the present.

You are showing her by your actions now that she has nothing to worry about. Continue to treat her with respect and love, but also establish reasonable boundaries, and close the door on the past.

These are excellent points, but they don't don't address how the OP can deal with the lie(s) he has already told. — 44 mins ago

score 1 · Answer 17 · 2018-09-25 10:38:49Z

What she wants from you is not healthy. You have done nothing wrong in the past; you had relationships before her which happens to most people, and remember there is in any case another woman involved whose privacy she ought to respect.

Trying to shield her is not the right approach. It's unhealthy wanting to know these details of your past, and if you are trying to hide it, that just makes her want to know more. Tell her clearly that whatever happened between you and that other woman is in the past, and it's your business and that other woman's business only.

You know that telling her is not good for her. You know that trying to hide things and shielding her is not good for her. A strict "no" is better for everyone involved. And frankly, you shouldn't violate the privacy of your ex-girlfriend, and most women wouldn't trust a man who would do that.

It was a mistake telling her anything. It was a bigger mistake to lie - there was no need to lie, a straight "no" would have done. There is no reason to repeat that mistake. If she asks again, you can say "I should have never told you anything, that was a mistake. It's in the past. Whatever happened, it happened before I met you, and I didn't do anything wrong, so it doesn't matter. " You say you are "forced to continue the act". No, you are not. If your girlfriend wants to know things, and you think telling her hurts her, then you don't lie, you say "No, I'm not telling you".

I understand how this may be an answer to "How can I respond to my girlfriend when she asks me about my history?" but I'm not sure how it applies to this situation. OP already decided to tell his girlfriend about things and lie about it too. Can you clarify how your answer is a response to OP's current situation? — 14 hours ago

Ruadhan2300 66719 · Answer 18 · 2018-09-25 12:33:08Z

If you're going to come clean, now is the time.

Broad recap:

The first time she inquired about it, you decided to withhold part of the information, I'd consider this a bad move, but not exactly uncommon, I'm a little surprised you felt that three sexual encounters was substantially "worse" than two. but there it is.

The second (I assume) was only a few days ago and you upheld your original lie.

Anywhere up to a few days after that is narratively the perfect time to approach with a "I'm sorry, I'm feeling guilty about this" conversation. You've had time to reflect on the mistake and conclude that you need to take action.

If you leave it a week, it'll be further and further away and it'll be less fresh in her mind. Context is everything, so Do it now.

Don't make any excuses, admit that lying was stupid and that it's been eating at you ever since. Reinforce that you love her and apologise sincerely. If she takes it badly, take the consequences on the chin and wait patiently for her to cool off.

That's how to come clean. It's not likely to be as tidy as that, but being honest and open, apologising and accepting the consequences is the only way to break this sensitively.

Will she be happier for knowing you lied and covered it up? Probably not, but the reveal and apology will demonstrate how you feel and she may well feel more secure that this relatively minor thing is the worst you have to hide.

Willem 745114 · Answer 19 · 2018-09-25 09:58:12Z

This seems like something that bears heavily on you. My advice to you would be to tell her what you just told millions of strangers on the Internet. You thought you were protecting her by not telling her, but you have realized that it was wrong and selfish.

Make sure you are the one who initiates this discussion, don't wait until she asks again. Tell her that you want to talk to her about something that has been bothering you for a long time now. Three years is a long time to be together, and all of those other people are in the past, but you keeping that from her is in the present. When something like that weighs on your mind, you can't be 100% yourself with her, and that's not fair to either of you.

Hi, can you edit your answer to add why you think this is a good idea? Have you had previously used this technic with success? — 7 hours ago
I felt your introduction to be counter-productive; though it may serve as an icebreaker, it distracts (it adds no content and doesn't foreshadow) and it made me uncomfortable. The ending could potentially work, but right now it could easily result in arguments. Brought plainly, instead of as wrapping for a peace offering, it is dismissive and insensitive. Seeing how you provide no context I removed it for now, to make your answer stronger. I think you can make both the beginning and the end work, but both require more refinement, before they work reliably for "the asker" and "other readers". — 6 hours ago

Negotiate 251 · Answer 20 · 2018-09-25 04:42:41Z

Okay, you have told a lie. That happened in the past and cannot be changed. Now after telling a lie, you are in 1 of 2 states. Either everything is all good, or someone is going to find out you lied.

If you are in the first of these states, don't come clean, it will not make you feel better about yourself and it will forever damage your relationship, probably beyond repair. Especially since the thing that you lied about is trivial and silly. To her it will be less about the content and more about the existence of a lie at all, and you will break any trust the two of you have. Following that she will become suspicious of other things you have told her in the past.

Now if it the the later case, she is about to find out, then you are probably best diverting and doubling down. Mainly for the reasons discussed above.

Whatever you do, do not do it because of you "conscious" or feeling guilt, not only are those selfish, but more than anything they result in a sub par end result. If you haven't got the ability to sell the lie, or the stomach to live with it, then don't lie in the first place. It can literally never end well.

This doesn't address how to come clean. If you want to provide a frame challenge to the answer ("don't come clean, do this instead"), please explain why and how it would work. — 6 hours ago

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