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Asking a coworker to discontinue chivalrous acts?
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I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level.
Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on.
Every time we go to lunch, Bob always rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me. I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's "the way his mother raised him" and does it anyway. He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive. I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check. I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.
While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I do not want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture. I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions every time I eat lunch with him.
I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to "woo" me with these niceties.
What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
united-states politeness saying-no coworkers
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
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up vote
5
down vote
favorite
I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level.
Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on.
Every time we go to lunch, Bob always rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me. I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's "the way his mother raised him" and does it anyway. He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive. I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check. I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.
While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I do not want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture. I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions every time I eat lunch with him.
I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to "woo" me with these niceties.
What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
united-states politeness saying-no coworkers
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
7
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
5
down vote
favorite
up vote
5
down vote
favorite
I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level.
Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on.
Every time we go to lunch, Bob always rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me. I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's "the way his mother raised him" and does it anyway. He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive. I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check. I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.
While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I do not want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture. I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions every time I eat lunch with him.
I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to "woo" me with these niceties.
What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
united-states politeness saying-no coworkers
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level.
Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on.
Every time we go to lunch, Bob always rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me. I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's "the way his mother raised him" and does it anyway. He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive. I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check. I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.
While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I do not want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture. I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions every time I eat lunch with him.
I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to "woo" me with these niceties.
What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
united-states politeness saying-no coworkers
united-states politeness saying-no coworkers
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
asked 3 hours ago
Jess K.
18.2k145885
18.2k145885
7
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago
add a comment |Â
7
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago
7
7
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago
add a comment |Â
2 Answers
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2
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Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."
Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.
I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
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up vote
0
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As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.
I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.
I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".
While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.
Concerning "using your relationship status as a crutch", I would state that it is not a crutch, but a valid reason for not wanting to encourage a romantic relationship with a different person, unless you have other reasons for to not want a romantic relationship with Bob, even if you were single.
Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".
It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.
I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.
Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.
Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
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sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
2
down vote
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."
Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.
I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
add a comment |Â
up vote
2
down vote
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."
Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.
I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
add a comment |Â
up vote
2
down vote
up vote
2
down vote
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."
Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.
I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.
The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."
Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.
I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
answered 2 hours ago
jcmack
1,446111
1,446111
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.
I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.
I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".
While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.
Concerning "using your relationship status as a crutch", I would state that it is not a crutch, but a valid reason for not wanting to encourage a romantic relationship with a different person, unless you have other reasons for to not want a romantic relationship with Bob, even if you were single.
Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".
It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.
I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.
Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.
Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.
I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.
I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".
While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.
Concerning "using your relationship status as a crutch", I would state that it is not a crutch, but a valid reason for not wanting to encourage a romantic relationship with a different person, unless you have other reasons for to not want a romantic relationship with Bob, even if you were single.
Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".
It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.
I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.
Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.
Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
up vote
0
down vote
As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.
I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.
I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".
While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.
Concerning "using your relationship status as a crutch", I would state that it is not a crutch, but a valid reason for not wanting to encourage a romantic relationship with a different person, unless you have other reasons for to not want a romantic relationship with Bob, even if you were single.
Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".
It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.
I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.
Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.
Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
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As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.
I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.
I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".
While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.
Concerning "using your relationship status as a crutch", I would state that it is not a crutch, but a valid reason for not wanting to encourage a romantic relationship with a different person, unless you have other reasons for to not want a romantic relationship with Bob, even if you were single.
Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".
It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.
I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.
Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.
Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
answered 49 mins ago
sharur
1011
1011
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
sharur is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
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7
I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!...
– OldPadawan
3 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship?
– JMac
3 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point.
– Jess K.
3 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings.
– Nid
3 hours ago