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Question

I've made a friend, Bob, in my workplace who is too much of a gentleman for my comfort level.

Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and political beliefs. We often message outside of work and get lunch together every few weeks. We don't work in the same department, so these lunches are usually the only times we see each other. The problem is that Bob's acts of kindness are making me more uncomfortable as time goes on.

Every time we go to lunch, Bob always rushes over to my side of the car to open my door for me. I've told him he didn't have to do this, but he insists that it's "the way his mother raised him" and does it anyway. He also always pays for my meal, even when lunch is expensive. I've went as far as asking the waitress for two checks, but Bob will catch her a moment later and ask her to go ahead and put everything on one check. I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.

While I'm totally fine with the actions themselves, the combination and insistence of these two habits make me uncomfortable because I do not want Bob to be doing this as a romantic gesture. I also don't want to alienate Bob, because I rather enjoy his friendship. As is, though... I'm starting to find myself wanting to avoid Bob so that I don't have to worry about his intentions every time I eat lunch with him.

I'd like to get Bob to stop doing these things for me without making myself look presumptuous, unappreciative, or making Bob feel bad on the off chance he isn't trying to "woo" me with these niceties.

What can I say/do to kindly show Bob that I prefer to do these things for myself?

Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.

I've told him he didn't have to do this -> but did you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable? As any gentleman would immediately stop this behaviour because of being a gentleman!... — 11 hours ago
@OldPadawan Nooo... I haven't. And I guess that's where this question comes from. I like to avoid confrontation and I'm not sure what the best way to tell someone they're making me uncomfortable is (or if there are nonverbal things I can do that would serve the same purpose). I just don't want him to feel bad, because they really are nice gestures. — 11 hours ago
"I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch." Is Bob at least aware that you're in a relationship? — 11 hours ago
@JMac I haven't told Bob directly, but we're friends on social media, where I tend to post mostly about me and my partner. Albeit not directly saying "we're together", but with hearts or other cute nonsense. It'd be up to his deduction at that point. — 11 hours ago
Oh I didn't see the note about the partner. You seem like a very caring person. I find it is difficult sometimes when you want to be direct with someone, but want to spare their feelings. — 11 hours ago

Upper_Case 8,66741429 · Answer 1 · 2018-09-25 20:29:59Z

The potential romantic angle is a red herring. Whether or not Bob is interested in you and intends these gestures to be his "moves" on you, you don't want the gestures at all because they suggest that he might harbor those intentions. Him denying romantic interest probably wouldn't resolve this (would you believe him and then become totally fine with the gestures? Or would you always wonder, at least a little, and continue to have the same problem?). I know plenty of women who, even when on explicit, romantic dates, vastly prefer to do things themselves (particularly paying for meals). So from my perspective any mention of Bob's (possible) romantic intentions are already off-topic and cannot be of much use to you in achieving your goal.

When it comes to actually stopping these behaviors, you should be clear, direct, and ready to back up your preference. You strike me (from this question and elsewhere on SE) as someone who prefers more indirect communication, which can be easy to misinterpret. Consider

I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.

If his impression is that he shouldn't feel he needs to pay for your meals, that suggests that he still can if he wants to. Since he's trying to be a gentleman he may well still prefer to do so. In his mind he may be even more of a gentleman for it because he's doing it by choice rather than obligation. Conversely, if you expressed to him that you do not want him to pay for your meals, there can be no question that he's going against your wishes by paying. DO NOT expect him to just "get the message" somehow, especially as there seems to be some chance that these really are his default behaviors.

When I say back up your preference I mean declining to spend time with Bob if he maintains these behaviors despite your clear and direct request that he not do so. If you like, you can explain that you feel uncomfortable when spending time with him due to these gestures. That makes it clear that his choices are to stop spending time with you or to stop the rote behaviors.

All you really need to say is something like

Bob, I appreciate your being so attentive to me. But it really makes me uncomfortable when you do things like this, and I don't want to be treated this way.

@Upper_Case I wrote an answer then realized you wrote a better one. If it helps, I think a good non-confrontational way to address the food issue, for example, is "I appreciate that you always offer to pay for me, but I actually kinda like paying for my own meals. It makes me feel self-sufficient and good about myself. If it's ok, I'd like to start covering my own meals, and if I ever want you to pay, I'll let you know." I feel like this expresses the "I don't want this" feeling, and also gives Bob a chance to stop without the awkwardness of telling him he's making OP uncomfortable. — 7 hours ago
@LordFarquaad May I make a suggestion to your idea? Don't say, "If it's ok, I'd like to start covering my own meals." Instead, omit "if" and "I'd like" and simply state, "So, I will be paying for my own meals from now on." She doesn't need his permission, and this leaves no room for misinterpretation. — 5 hours ago
I find apaul's answer accomplishes the same end and is more friendly and conversational than the relatively harsh and almost combative phrasing suggested here. I'd only speak like this if soft diplomacy completely failed. — 5 hours ago

score 10 · Answer 2 · 2018-09-25 21:14:30Z

It sounds like you're looking for a gentle, yet direct approach that will level the field without making him feel snubbed or put off... So, why not word it that way?

It'll probably help to set the stage before you're already on your way to lunch:

Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standards, it's 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately.

Placing things in an equality, or feminist, frame may get him to relax on the "chivalry" and it may neatly avoid an uncomfortable conversation about your relationship status.

Although it doesn't really address the suspected underlying problem. If he's really being "chivalrous" in order to court you, which isn't really chivalrous, you'll probably need to be more direct. You can be direct, while also keeping the tone light with something like:

Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standanrds, it's 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately. I can pay my own way, it's not like this is a date.

Using a light, almost joking, tone allows him to save face and hopefully he'll take the opportunity "Of course it isn't a date, we both knew that, haha..."

KRyan 1,068211 · Answer 3 · 2018-09-25 20:41:26Z

I think youÃ¢Â€Â™re probably right about not relying on the existing relationship, as thatÃ¢Â€Â™s not in-and-of-itself the reason you are uncomfortable with this behavior. It would be inaccurate, and can cause anguish later if, as a worst-case scenario, your relationship status were to change. And frankly, itÃ¢Â€Â™s not his business why you are uncomfortable with his behavior; you just are.

(For what itÃ¢Â€Â™s worth, totally with you there: it may well have been how he was raised, but frankly IÃ¢Â€Â™m not buying itÃ¢Â€Â”holding the door for someone is one thing, but running around a car to get the door is something else, and paying for lunch is another level beyond that. Personally, those are things I do as romantic gestures for my wife. It has been quite a while since those were considered the expected behavior of a gentleman with every woman. Certainly a rather patriarchal form of chivalry, even assuming that isnÃ¢Â€Â™t an inherently redundant statement.)

Also, there is a technique in many kinds of communication wherein you intentionally refuse to offer explanation. Offering explanation invites discussion or debate, possibly counter-points or what have you. Talk about exactly what you certainly donÃ¢Â€Â™t want! So I also think you are simply better off avoiding an explanation, whether that be your existing relationship or any other.

So I think you are best off just putting your foot down, so to speak. No explanation, no excuses (for you or for him), just a plain statement. No need to make a big deal about it, you certainly donÃ¢Â€Â™t want or need to guilt him for anything he may or may not have meant by it, but it should be clear. I would start with the paying-for-lunch thing in particular: it may not be very much for him to open the door for you, but paying for you is explicitly costing him money.

I would suggest something like,

Please, really, I am not comfortable accepting your money.

If he insists or pushes, I suggest saying exactly what you have here:

No, really, this is uncomfortable and it makes me not want to get lunch with you, knowing youÃ¢Â€Â™re going to make me uncomfortable. I wonÃ¢Â€Â™t keep doing that.

score 5 · Answer 4 · 2018-09-25 21:43:56Z

As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.

I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.

I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".

While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.

Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".

It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.

I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.

Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.

Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.

Barmar 1414 · Answer 5 · 2018-09-25 21:35:54Z

I think you need to distinguish some of his actions, and temper your reactions to them.

Opening the door for someone is just a polite gesture, not related to any kind of romantic interests. As he said, it's just how he was raised, and I think you should let this go. It can be a hard habit to break, so just view it as one of his ideosyncracies. If you want to keep him from doing it, you just need to be faster at getting out of the car.

On the other hand, paying for a meal is generally considered part of dating. Platonic friends rarely pay for each others' meals, unless it's regularly reciprocated -- one pays one day, the other pays the next time, etc.

You need to explain to him that you consider yourself a modern, independent woman. When he pays for you, it diminishes your self-esteem. While you understand that he doesn't mean anything demeaning by it, that's still how it feels to you. Maybe you can try to get the server to give you the check, so that you can pay sometimes. When they're coming to the table, grab the check and say something like "It's my turn this time."

Perhaps the next time you're arranging to go to lunch, you can say "I'll only go if you let me pick up the check". Once the water has been broken, maybe you can get into the reciprocating rhythm I described above.

If none of this works, I think you may have to put your foot down and cut off the relationship with him. I know you say you generally enjoy these occasional get-togethers, but if he does something that really annoys you, this may be the only way for him to get the message.

jcmack 1,452112 · Answer 6 · 2018-09-25 17:40:24Z

Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.

The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."

Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.

I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.

Are you sure that this is the best approach to heading off romantic intentions? The preexisting-relationship angle implies "... it's not going to get you anywhere, because I [OP] am in a relationship right now." This can then further be 'optimistically' interpreted as "Otherwise, things would be different" and I believe this is what OP is trying to avoid. — 6 hours ago
@spiralsucculent That's not how I would interpret it and frankly that's reading way too much into it. It's like saying to a vegetarian "Here is a hamburger." and vegetarian responds "I'm a vegetarian." Does it matter if vegetarian is thinking they'd be all over that burger if they weren't vegetarian at the moment or that all meat is disgusting all the time? Either way, they don't want the burger now. Same with the OP not being into Bob right now. Pursuing someone that is already spoken for isn't gentleman/person-like behavior anyway. — 6 hours ago
I'd be happy to discuss further in chat chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/61165/the-awkward-silence — 6 hours ago

Negotiate 351 · Answer 7 · 2018-09-25 23:43:22Z

From a psychopathic and removed perspective, all relationships (Romantic or otherwise) are about value. The only reason you spend time with him is because you get some value from the relationship. I would say that in his case he feels as though without doing those things he feels less valuable.

As to his intentions, either he is trying to make subtle moves on you or pretend you are dating (since it sounds like pretend lunch dates you are going on).

Regardless the intent of the actions however, you do need to be careful if you wish to maintain the relationship. Firstly as someone with a very close experience to something similar, the second that you stop fighting him and instead allow it, or even expect it, he will feel taken advantage of and will resent you. (That is the do nothing, continue as is option).

Though since you want to take action, be blunt and straight forward that the actions make you feel uncomfortable. DO NOT relate them to romantic or really even mention his intent. Because an assumption about the intent, if wrong, will drive a wedge between you two, and if right, will drive a larger wedge between you.

Essentially his intent should not be of your concern, nor should it affect your decision making. You choices, how you feel about the situation and ultimately what you say to him should be based of your personal feeling about his actual actions.

Ramblings and motives aside. You need to tell him that his ACTIONS make you feel uncomfortable. (No need to qualify with a reason, and definitely do not go down the gender equality route suggested in another answer). If he asks you why they make you feel uncomfortable, your best route is to target the paying for food. Say you dislike always depending on him, and suggest a solution (Maybe take turns paying).

Whatever you say, give a solution, and make it clear that you value his company, not him paying for things for you. He needs to understand that you genuinely like spending time with him, but are currently uncomfortable because of his over the top actions.

sdkks 22912 · Answer 8 · 2018-09-26 01:35:21Z

IÃ¢Â€Â™m a man. If you are okay with some subterfuge you can mention about going out for some invented Ã¢Â€ÂœdateÃ¢Â€Â, itÃ¢Â€Â™s anniversary or something.

Probably he will drop it, if he is doing it for romance.

Feeling of something stable going on on your side would make him give up hope on that.

You wouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t have to explain about having relationship or him you making uncomfortable. Latter one is very difficult to handle in a conversation without hurting someone even if you are a wordsmith. That would prevent future awkwardness as well.

swbarnes2 2,411414 · Answer 9 · 2018-09-25 20:36:41Z

Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and
political beliefs.

I'm guessing those political beliefs are part and parcel of his behavioral choices towards you.

Another tactic...insist that since you are work colleagues, he must treat you just like he treats his other male and female work colleagues. (This is also a face-saving way of indirectly telling him you aren't interested in dating him, in case that's an issue)

If he refuses to change his behavior, you must change yours by refusing to go to lunch with him.

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? WhatÃ¢Â€Â™s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a Ã¢Â€ÂœTry this!Ã¢Â€Â answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — 7 hours ago

mckenzm 951 · Answer 10 · 2018-09-26 01:38:09Z

Tell him "You'll get it yourself". Make sure any peers understand as well, lest he be judged and it affects his career. Will not opening the door for you be an issue at his next salary review? It can be as bad as not polishing the heels of your shoes in some places. Character matters. I've seen a man dismissed for entering an elevator before a female colleague.

You really needed to do this earlier rather than later to establish a norm. Then be sure to ask clearly if you ever do find your hands full, in the rain, in heels.

Upper_Case 8,66741429 · Answer 11 · 2018-09-25 20:29:59Z

The potential romantic angle is a red herring. Whether or not Bob is interested in you and intends these gestures to be his "moves" on you, you don't want the gestures at all because they suggest that he might harbor those intentions. Him denying romantic interest probably wouldn't resolve this (would you believe him and then become totally fine with the gestures? Or would you always wonder, at least a little, and continue to have the same problem?). I know plenty of women who, even when on explicit, romantic dates, vastly prefer to do things themselves (particularly paying for meals). So from my perspective any mention of Bob's (possible) romantic intentions are already off-topic and cannot be of much use to you in achieving your goal.

When it comes to actually stopping these behaviors, you should be clear, direct, and ready to back up your preference. You strike me (from this question and elsewhere on SE) as someone who prefers more indirect communication, which can be easy to misinterpret. Consider

I've explained that I don't want him to feel the need to pay for my meal, but he continues to do so anyway.

If his impression is that he shouldn't feel he needs to pay for your meals, that suggests that he still can if he wants to. Since he's trying to be a gentleman he may well still prefer to do so. In his mind he may be even more of a gentleman for it because he's doing it by choice rather than obligation. Conversely, if you expressed to him that you do not want him to pay for your meals, there can be no question that he's going against your wishes by paying. DO NOT expect him to just "get the message" somehow, especially as there seems to be some chance that these really are his default behaviors.

When I say back up your preference I mean declining to spend time with Bob if he maintains these behaviors despite your clear and direct request that he not do so. If you like, you can explain that you feel uncomfortable when spending time with him due to these gestures. That makes it clear that his choices are to stop spending time with you or to stop the rote behaviors.

All you really need to say is something like

Bob, I appreciate your being so attentive to me. But it really makes me uncomfortable when you do things like this, and I don't want to be treated this way.

@Upper_Case I wrote an answer then realized you wrote a better one. If it helps, I think a good non-confrontational way to address the food issue, for example, is "I appreciate that you always offer to pay for me, but I actually kinda like paying for my own meals. It makes me feel self-sufficient and good about myself. If it's ok, I'd like to start covering my own meals, and if I ever want you to pay, I'll let you know." I feel like this expresses the "I don't want this" feeling, and also gives Bob a chance to stop without the awkwardness of telling him he's making OP uncomfortable. — 7 hours ago
@LordFarquaad May I make a suggestion to your idea? Don't say, "If it's ok, I'd like to start covering my own meals." Instead, omit "if" and "I'd like" and simply state, "So, I will be paying for my own meals from now on." She doesn't need his permission, and this leaves no room for misinterpretation. — 5 hours ago
I find apaul's answer accomplishes the same end and is more friendly and conversational than the relatively harsh and almost combative phrasing suggested here. I'd only speak like this if soft diplomacy completely failed. — 5 hours ago

score 10 · Answer 12 · 2018-09-25 21:14:30Z

It sounds like you're looking for a gentle, yet direct approach that will level the field without making him feel snubbed or put off... So, why not word it that way?

It'll probably help to set the stage before you're already on your way to lunch:

Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standards, it's 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately.

Placing things in an equality, or feminist, frame may get him to relax on the "chivalry" and it may neatly avoid an uncomfortable conversation about your relationship status.

Although it doesn't really address the suspected underlying problem. If he's really being "chivalrous" in order to court you, which isn't really chivalrous, you'll probably need to be more direct. You can be direct, while also keeping the tone light with something like:

Hey Bob, I appreciate your old fashioned gentlemanly way, but it feels kind of unequal by today's standanrds, it's 2018 after all. This time I'd like to drive and pay, and in the future I'd prefer to pay separately. I can pay my own way, it's not like this is a date.

Using a light, almost joking, tone allows him to save face and hopefully he'll take the opportunity "Of course it isn't a date, we both knew that, haha..."

KRyan 1,068211 · Answer 13 · 2018-09-25 20:41:26Z

I think youÃ¢Â€Â™re probably right about not relying on the existing relationship, as thatÃ¢Â€Â™s not in-and-of-itself the reason you are uncomfortable with this behavior. It would be inaccurate, and can cause anguish later if, as a worst-case scenario, your relationship status were to change. And frankly, itÃ¢Â€Â™s not his business why you are uncomfortable with his behavior; you just are.

(For what itÃ¢Â€Â™s worth, totally with you there: it may well have been how he was raised, but frankly IÃ¢Â€Â™m not buying itÃ¢Â€Â”holding the door for someone is one thing, but running around a car to get the door is something else, and paying for lunch is another level beyond that. Personally, those are things I do as romantic gestures for my wife. It has been quite a while since those were considered the expected behavior of a gentleman with every woman. Certainly a rather patriarchal form of chivalry, even assuming that isnÃ¢Â€Â™t an inherently redundant statement.)

Also, there is a technique in many kinds of communication wherein you intentionally refuse to offer explanation. Offering explanation invites discussion or debate, possibly counter-points or what have you. Talk about exactly what you certainly donÃ¢Â€Â™t want! So I also think you are simply better off avoiding an explanation, whether that be your existing relationship or any other.

So I think you are best off just putting your foot down, so to speak. No explanation, no excuses (for you or for him), just a plain statement. No need to make a big deal about it, you certainly donÃ¢Â€Â™t want or need to guilt him for anything he may or may not have meant by it, but it should be clear. I would start with the paying-for-lunch thing in particular: it may not be very much for him to open the door for you, but paying for you is explicitly costing him money.

I would suggest something like,

Please, really, I am not comfortable accepting your money.

If he insists or pushes, I suggest saying exactly what you have here:

No, really, this is uncomfortable and it makes me not want to get lunch with you, knowing youÃ¢Â€Â™re going to make me uncomfortable. I wonÃ¢Â€Â™t keep doing that.

score 5 · Answer 14 · 2018-09-25 21:43:56Z

As you have mentioned in comments that you have not told Bob that this makes you uncomfortable (and why), I suggest you do so.

I would recommend explicitly telling him to stop the behaviors that are bothering you, and would note that "You don't have to do this" is not, strictly or even generally speaking, telling him to not doing something. It is telling him that he is not under an obligation to do something. For example, if I get into the office earlier than my coworkers, I would set up the coffee maker and start of coffee for the office, so that it would be ready when my coworkers arrived; this is not something I had to do, as it wasn't in my job descriptions, was not asked of me by my superiors, and I don't drink coffee. Multiple times, my coworkers have told me "I didn't have to do this"; no one ever told me to stop, until the office got a Keurig machine.

I also would recommend specifically naming the behaviors the , rather than asking him generally, e.g. to "stop the chivalrous behavior".

While I agree with OldPadawan's comment, that being told that his actions make you uncomfortable should be sufficient to make him stop. However, since you are friends, and if he stopped these behaviors the two of you would presumably continue to meet for lunch, and you don't find the behaviors inherently offensive,I would recommend telling him your reason for disliking the behavior, namely that you think it is being done a romantic gesture and you wish to keep your relationship platonic.

Seeing as you asked for what to say, I would recommend saying something like this (removing anything that isn't true): "Bob, I enjoy being friends with you and eating lunch together, but your habit of constantly opening doors and paying for my food (and any other behaviors) are are making me uncomfortable. Please stop with these romantic gestures, or we'll have to stop having lunch together and I quite enjoy your company".

It is quite possible for Bob to deny any romantic feelings; in that case, I suggest you accept his denial, but state that it still makes you uncomfortable and re-iterate your request that the behavior stops reguardless.

I wouldn't worry about alienating Bob; either he is a good friend, and is willing to drop the behavior for the sake of your comfort, or he is not someone you want to be around, and you are exiting a bad situation early. I agree with jcmack's answer that frankness is generally appreciated.

Personally, the check behavior is more egregious because a) it involves money and b) he is countermanding your actions and intentions. Therefore, I would focus on this behavior more.

Finally, as a man who also had this sort behavior pounded into him by his mother, and for whom it also caused problems, I would request that if you ever have sons, that you "pay it forward" and not impress this behavior upon them.

Barmar 1414 · Answer 15 · 2018-09-25 21:35:54Z

I think you need to distinguish some of his actions, and temper your reactions to them.

Opening the door for someone is just a polite gesture, not related to any kind of romantic interests. As he said, it's just how he was raised, and I think you should let this go. It can be a hard habit to break, so just view it as one of his ideosyncracies. If you want to keep him from doing it, you just need to be faster at getting out of the car.

On the other hand, paying for a meal is generally considered part of dating. Platonic friends rarely pay for each others' meals, unless it's regularly reciprocated -- one pays one day, the other pays the next time, etc.

You need to explain to him that you consider yourself a modern, independent woman. When he pays for you, it diminishes your self-esteem. While you understand that he doesn't mean anything demeaning by it, that's still how it feels to you. Maybe you can try to get the server to give you the check, so that you can pay sometimes. When they're coming to the table, grab the check and say something like "It's my turn this time."

Perhaps the next time you're arranging to go to lunch, you can say "I'll only go if you let me pick up the check". Once the water has been broken, maybe you can get into the reciprocating rhythm I described above.

If none of this works, I think you may have to put your foot down and cut off the relationship with him. I know you say you generally enjoy these occasional get-togethers, but if he does something that really annoys you, this may be the only way for him to get the message.

jcmack 1,452112 · Answer 16 · 2018-09-25 17:40:24Z

Note: I have a partner, but for various reasons I'd like to deal with my situation with Bob without using my relationship status as a crutch.

The best way to spare Bob's feelings if he were romantically interested in you is to indicate that you are already in a committed relationship. This isn't a crutch so to speak, but pretty clear way to indicate "If you're doing this in a romantic way, it's not going to get you anywhere."

Personally, I would recommend a frank conversation with Bob and about how his chivalry makes you uncomfortable. For instance, you feel like the gestures are more appropriate for your significant other or that you feel you fully capable for opening your own doors and paying for your own meals. A true gentleman/person does acts of chivalry not because the other person is incapable of the action, but that they feel as though they shouldn't have to.

I've had a friend confront me with the same question making sure my gestures weren't coming from a romantic angle. It didn't ruin our friendship or anything (I wasn't coming from a romantic angle), and I appreciated the frankness.

Are you sure that this is the best approach to heading off romantic intentions? The preexisting-relationship angle implies "... it's not going to get you anywhere, because I [OP] am in a relationship right now." This can then further be 'optimistically' interpreted as "Otherwise, things would be different" and I believe this is what OP is trying to avoid. — 6 hours ago
@spiralsucculent That's not how I would interpret it and frankly that's reading way too much into it. It's like saying to a vegetarian "Here is a hamburger." and vegetarian responds "I'm a vegetarian." Does it matter if vegetarian is thinking they'd be all over that burger if they weren't vegetarian at the moment or that all meat is disgusting all the time? Either way, they don't want the burger now. Same with the OP not being into Bob right now. Pursuing someone that is already spoken for isn't gentleman/person-like behavior anyway. — 6 hours ago
I'd be happy to discuss further in chat chat.stackexchange.com/rooms/61165/the-awkward-silence — 6 hours ago

Negotiate 351 · Answer 17 · 2018-09-25 23:43:22Z

From a psychopathic and removed perspective, all relationships (Romantic or otherwise) are about value. The only reason you spend time with him is because you get some value from the relationship. I would say that in his case he feels as though without doing those things he feels less valuable.

As to his intentions, either he is trying to make subtle moves on you or pretend you are dating (since it sounds like pretend lunch dates you are going on).

Regardless the intent of the actions however, you do need to be careful if you wish to maintain the relationship. Firstly as someone with a very close experience to something similar, the second that you stop fighting him and instead allow it, or even expect it, he will feel taken advantage of and will resent you. (That is the do nothing, continue as is option).

Though since you want to take action, be blunt and straight forward that the actions make you feel uncomfortable. DO NOT relate them to romantic or really even mention his intent. Because an assumption about the intent, if wrong, will drive a wedge between you two, and if right, will drive a larger wedge between you.

Essentially his intent should not be of your concern, nor should it affect your decision making. You choices, how you feel about the situation and ultimately what you say to him should be based of your personal feeling about his actual actions.

Ramblings and motives aside. You need to tell him that his ACTIONS make you feel uncomfortable. (No need to qualify with a reason, and definitely do not go down the gender equality route suggested in another answer). If he asks you why they make you feel uncomfortable, your best route is to target the paying for food. Say you dislike always depending on him, and suggest a solution (Maybe take turns paying).

Whatever you say, give a solution, and make it clear that you value his company, not him paying for things for you. He needs to understand that you genuinely like spending time with him, but are currently uncomfortable because of his over the top actions.

sdkks 22912 · Answer 18 · 2018-09-26 01:35:21Z

IÃ¢Â€Â™m a man. If you are okay with some subterfuge you can mention about going out for some invented Ã¢Â€ÂœdateÃ¢Â€Â, itÃ¢Â€Â™s anniversary or something.

Probably he will drop it, if he is doing it for romance.

Feeling of something stable going on on your side would make him give up hope on that.

You wouldnÃ¢Â€Â™t have to explain about having relationship or him you making uncomfortable. Latter one is very difficult to handle in a conversation without hurting someone even if you are a wordsmith. That would prevent future awkwardness as well.

swbarnes2 2,411414 · Answer 19 · 2018-09-25 20:36:41Z

Initially, we became fast friends due to our shared interests and
political beliefs.

I'm guessing those political beliefs are part and parcel of his behavioral choices towards you.

Another tactic...insist that since you are work colleagues, he must treat you just like he treats his other male and female work colleagues. (This is also a face-saving way of indirectly telling him you aren't interested in dating him, in case that's an issue)

If he refuses to change his behavior, you must change yours by refusing to go to lunch with him.

Hey, thanks for the answer! Can you please explain exactly why you think that this is a good idea? Why do you say to take this course of action? WhatÃ¢Â€Â™s the thought process behind this answer? As this currently stands, this is essentially a Ã¢Â€ÂœTry this!Ã¢Â€Â answer. We require that answers provide some sort of explanation for why they are suggesting this solution, and unfortunately, at the moment this answer doesn't appear to do that. — 7 hours ago

mckenzm 951 · Answer 20 · 2018-09-26 01:38:09Z

Tell him "You'll get it yourself". Make sure any peers understand as well, lest he be judged and it affects his career. Will not opening the door for you be an issue at his next salary review? It can be as bad as not polishing the heels of your shoes in some places. Character matters. I've seen a man dismissed for entering an elevator before a female colleague.

You really needed to do this earlier rather than later to establish a norm. Then be sure to ask clearly if you ever do find your hands full, in the rain, in heels.

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