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As a DM, is it improper of me to flirt with one of my players “off the clock�
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(I'm not sure if this belongs here or in interpersonal.SE; I decided to post here because I hope that others may have first- or second-hand experience.)
The premise is simple: in my weekly 5e campaign, I've grown fond of one of my players. Obviously, it's bad form to flirt while the campaign is running, so I've restrained myself there. I want to ask her out, but I'm not ready to put my campaign on the line for a date (I'm not sure if that's sad, or dedicated).
What experience have you had with starting relationships "over the table top"? Is it bad form for the DM to date one of his players? Is the outcome inevitably bad?
Follow-up: How do I keep the tone professional and mature while DMing if the player rejects me or the date goes poorly? Obviously, I'd like to still play with everyone at my table regardless of their status.
dnd-5e gm-techniques group-dynamics social romance
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
add a comment |Â
up vote
2
down vote
favorite
(I'm not sure if this belongs here or in interpersonal.SE; I decided to post here because I hope that others may have first- or second-hand experience.)
The premise is simple: in my weekly 5e campaign, I've grown fond of one of my players. Obviously, it's bad form to flirt while the campaign is running, so I've restrained myself there. I want to ask her out, but I'm not ready to put my campaign on the line for a date (I'm not sure if that's sad, or dedicated).
What experience have you had with starting relationships "over the table top"? Is it bad form for the DM to date one of his players? Is the outcome inevitably bad?
Follow-up: How do I keep the tone professional and mature while DMing if the player rejects me or the date goes poorly? Obviously, I'd like to still play with everyone at my table regardless of their status.
dnd-5e gm-techniques group-dynamics social romance
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
2
down vote
favorite
up vote
2
down vote
favorite
(I'm not sure if this belongs here or in interpersonal.SE; I decided to post here because I hope that others may have first- or second-hand experience.)
The premise is simple: in my weekly 5e campaign, I've grown fond of one of my players. Obviously, it's bad form to flirt while the campaign is running, so I've restrained myself there. I want to ask her out, but I'm not ready to put my campaign on the line for a date (I'm not sure if that's sad, or dedicated).
What experience have you had with starting relationships "over the table top"? Is it bad form for the DM to date one of his players? Is the outcome inevitably bad?
Follow-up: How do I keep the tone professional and mature while DMing if the player rejects me or the date goes poorly? Obviously, I'd like to still play with everyone at my table regardless of their status.
dnd-5e gm-techniques group-dynamics social romance
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
(I'm not sure if this belongs here or in interpersonal.SE; I decided to post here because I hope that others may have first- or second-hand experience.)
The premise is simple: in my weekly 5e campaign, I've grown fond of one of my players. Obviously, it's bad form to flirt while the campaign is running, so I've restrained myself there. I want to ask her out, but I'm not ready to put my campaign on the line for a date (I'm not sure if that's sad, or dedicated).
What experience have you had with starting relationships "over the table top"? Is it bad form for the DM to date one of his players? Is the outcome inevitably bad?
Follow-up: How do I keep the tone professional and mature while DMing if the player rejects me or the date goes poorly? Obviously, I'd like to still play with everyone at my table regardless of their status.
dnd-5e gm-techniques group-dynamics social romance
dnd-5e gm-techniques group-dynamics social romance
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
edited 2 hours ago
V2Blast
15.5k235101
15.5k235101
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
asked 4 hours ago
tuskiomi
2,02132447
2,02132447
This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago
This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
1 Answer
1
active
oldest
votes
up vote
3
down vote
tl;dr: Tread carefully and don't be creepy.
(I think this belongs more on interpersonal.SE, and relatedly recommend reading this, but I also realized I have relevant experience so I'm going to answer it here as best I can.)
If my username isn't clear, I'm female :) and I've been in this situation from a couple of different angles. Way back when I started playing D&D as a high school freshman, I played with a group of mostly senior boys (it was a small school; having friends across grade levels was normal). One of those boys developed a "crush" on me that rapidly turned creepy, to the point where I considered getting a restraining order. Fortunately he left for college before it became an issue, but our D&D group was irrevocably destroyed. The interpersonal byplay from him trying to put the moves on me was unpleasant for our mutual friends, who felt stuck in the middle or forced to pick sides. And obviously I wanted nothing to do with someone who refused to take "no" for an answer.
Several years later, when I was in college myself, I played with a different group of friends. We gamed under one DM for a year or so, during which time one of the other players and I grew close. He asked me out not long after I started a campaign of my own, and almost a decade later, we're still together.
So the answer for you is a resounding "It depends". The factors it depends on:
You being willing to gracefully and permanently accept a "no" from her
Whether or not she has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you
Whether you two hit it off, and if so, for how long (if your relationship outlasts the game, that's fine, but if you have a messy breakup mid-campaign, what will your plan be to handle it?)
Whether you and she are both mature enough to keep a relationship out of the game (no playing favorites, no/limited flirting at the table, etc)
And possibly more, but mostly it comes down to, can you (and she) gracefully and maturely handle whatever result comes from asking her out?
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
1 Answer
1
active
oldest
votes
1 Answer
1
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
3
down vote
tl;dr: Tread carefully and don't be creepy.
(I think this belongs more on interpersonal.SE, and relatedly recommend reading this, but I also realized I have relevant experience so I'm going to answer it here as best I can.)
If my username isn't clear, I'm female :) and I've been in this situation from a couple of different angles. Way back when I started playing D&D as a high school freshman, I played with a group of mostly senior boys (it was a small school; having friends across grade levels was normal). One of those boys developed a "crush" on me that rapidly turned creepy, to the point where I considered getting a restraining order. Fortunately he left for college before it became an issue, but our D&D group was irrevocably destroyed. The interpersonal byplay from him trying to put the moves on me was unpleasant for our mutual friends, who felt stuck in the middle or forced to pick sides. And obviously I wanted nothing to do with someone who refused to take "no" for an answer.
Several years later, when I was in college myself, I played with a different group of friends. We gamed under one DM for a year or so, during which time one of the other players and I grew close. He asked me out not long after I started a campaign of my own, and almost a decade later, we're still together.
So the answer for you is a resounding "It depends". The factors it depends on:
You being willing to gracefully and permanently accept a "no" from her
Whether or not she has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you
Whether you two hit it off, and if so, for how long (if your relationship outlasts the game, that's fine, but if you have a messy breakup mid-campaign, what will your plan be to handle it?)
Whether you and she are both mature enough to keep a relationship out of the game (no playing favorites, no/limited flirting at the table, etc)
And possibly more, but mostly it comes down to, can you (and she) gracefully and maturely handle whatever result comes from asking her out?
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
3
down vote
tl;dr: Tread carefully and don't be creepy.
(I think this belongs more on interpersonal.SE, and relatedly recommend reading this, but I also realized I have relevant experience so I'm going to answer it here as best I can.)
If my username isn't clear, I'm female :) and I've been in this situation from a couple of different angles. Way back when I started playing D&D as a high school freshman, I played with a group of mostly senior boys (it was a small school; having friends across grade levels was normal). One of those boys developed a "crush" on me that rapidly turned creepy, to the point where I considered getting a restraining order. Fortunately he left for college before it became an issue, but our D&D group was irrevocably destroyed. The interpersonal byplay from him trying to put the moves on me was unpleasant for our mutual friends, who felt stuck in the middle or forced to pick sides. And obviously I wanted nothing to do with someone who refused to take "no" for an answer.
Several years later, when I was in college myself, I played with a different group of friends. We gamed under one DM for a year or so, during which time one of the other players and I grew close. He asked me out not long after I started a campaign of my own, and almost a decade later, we're still together.
So the answer for you is a resounding "It depends". The factors it depends on:
You being willing to gracefully and permanently accept a "no" from her
Whether or not she has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you
Whether you two hit it off, and if so, for how long (if your relationship outlasts the game, that's fine, but if you have a messy breakup mid-campaign, what will your plan be to handle it?)
Whether you and she are both mature enough to keep a relationship out of the game (no playing favorites, no/limited flirting at the table, etc)
And possibly more, but mostly it comes down to, can you (and she) gracefully and maturely handle whatever result comes from asking her out?
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
3
down vote
up vote
3
down vote
tl;dr: Tread carefully and don't be creepy.
(I think this belongs more on interpersonal.SE, and relatedly recommend reading this, but I also realized I have relevant experience so I'm going to answer it here as best I can.)
If my username isn't clear, I'm female :) and I've been in this situation from a couple of different angles. Way back when I started playing D&D as a high school freshman, I played with a group of mostly senior boys (it was a small school; having friends across grade levels was normal). One of those boys developed a "crush" on me that rapidly turned creepy, to the point where I considered getting a restraining order. Fortunately he left for college before it became an issue, but our D&D group was irrevocably destroyed. The interpersonal byplay from him trying to put the moves on me was unpleasant for our mutual friends, who felt stuck in the middle or forced to pick sides. And obviously I wanted nothing to do with someone who refused to take "no" for an answer.
Several years later, when I was in college myself, I played with a different group of friends. We gamed under one DM for a year or so, during which time one of the other players and I grew close. He asked me out not long after I started a campaign of my own, and almost a decade later, we're still together.
So the answer for you is a resounding "It depends". The factors it depends on:
You being willing to gracefully and permanently accept a "no" from her
Whether or not she has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you
Whether you two hit it off, and if so, for how long (if your relationship outlasts the game, that's fine, but if you have a messy breakup mid-campaign, what will your plan be to handle it?)
Whether you and she are both mature enough to keep a relationship out of the game (no playing favorites, no/limited flirting at the table, etc)
And possibly more, but mostly it comes down to, can you (and she) gracefully and maturely handle whatever result comes from asking her out?
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
tl;dr: Tread carefully and don't be creepy.
(I think this belongs more on interpersonal.SE, and relatedly recommend reading this, but I also realized I have relevant experience so I'm going to answer it here as best I can.)
If my username isn't clear, I'm female :) and I've been in this situation from a couple of different angles. Way back when I started playing D&D as a high school freshman, I played with a group of mostly senior boys (it was a small school; having friends across grade levels was normal). One of those boys developed a "crush" on me that rapidly turned creepy, to the point where I considered getting a restraining order. Fortunately he left for college before it became an issue, but our D&D group was irrevocably destroyed. The interpersonal byplay from him trying to put the moves on me was unpleasant for our mutual friends, who felt stuck in the middle or forced to pick sides. And obviously I wanted nothing to do with someone who refused to take "no" for an answer.
Several years later, when I was in college myself, I played with a different group of friends. We gamed under one DM for a year or so, during which time one of the other players and I grew close. He asked me out not long after I started a campaign of my own, and almost a decade later, we're still together.
So the answer for you is a resounding "It depends". The factors it depends on:
You being willing to gracefully and permanently accept a "no" from her
Whether or not she has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you
Whether you two hit it off, and if so, for how long (if your relationship outlasts the game, that's fine, but if you have a messy breakup mid-campaign, what will your plan be to handle it?)
Whether you and she are both mature enough to keep a relationship out of the game (no playing favorites, no/limited flirting at the table, etc)
And possibly more, but mostly it comes down to, can you (and she) gracefully and maturely handle whatever result comes from asking her out?
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
answered 1 hour ago
thatgirldm
13.9k25066
13.9k25066
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
i feel I'm also taking a gamble on whether she can gracefully handle it as well. what do you think?
– tuskiomi
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
@tuskiomi Yes, you are taking a huge gamble on her reaction, and the reactions of your other players, too, for that matter. In your question you say you aren't sure if it's sad or dedicated that you don't want to put your campaign on the line. If you really feel like your campaign would be on the line just by asking her out, it probably will be. There are many, many ways this can go badly. Listen to your gut!
– thatgirldm
1 hour ago
add a comment |Â
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This question seems to be slightly too broad as written, as it seems to ask several different questions in the body of the post (though some are related).
– V2Blast
2 hours ago
@V2Blast what sort of details should i add?
– tuskiomi
2 hours ago
Rather than adding details, I meant to suggest removing the followup question, as "how to deal with rejection" is quite distinct from "should I date a player" (though an answerer might bring up the complexities of rejection as a reason not to date them).
– V2Blast
1 hour ago