Mixing
Appropriate way of offering shelter without sounding creepy
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up vote
19
down vote
favorite
Yesterday afternoon I (male, late 30) went to the supermarket in my neighborhood to buy something. Since the sky was menacing rain, I took along an umbrella. Lucky me, when I got out from the supermarket it was raining, so I opened the umbrella and headed home.
Few meters ahead I saw a woman (looking about my same age) walking in my same direction without any umbrella. As I got close to her, I covered her with my umbrella and offered her to walk together. She thanked me and stayed under the umbrella, while making some small chat (how long are you being living here, the road works, the rain, etc.).
During the entire walk I tried to keep some distance from her (at least one palm between our elbows), despite the umbrella not being that large, just to avoid any creepy factor.
When we reached the second block (I live on the third) she told me she had to cross the road, because she lived on the west side on the road, while we were walking on the east side, and didn't want to bother me with crossing twice. So she thanked me again and had a short run under the rain to reach the opposite side walk.
I took it as a polite way of hinting me of not following her until her door, so I didn't insist on offering her some more shelter, and kept walking on my side of the road. However, later I reconsidered it as just being polite from her and not wanting to bother me and that I might have come out as rude for just walking away.
How could I have offered her if I could further shelter her from the rain without sounding creepy or pushy?
awkward-situations politeness netherlands
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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up vote
19
down vote
favorite
Yesterday afternoon I (male, late 30) went to the supermarket in my neighborhood to buy something. Since the sky was menacing rain, I took along an umbrella. Lucky me, when I got out from the supermarket it was raining, so I opened the umbrella and headed home.
Few meters ahead I saw a woman (looking about my same age) walking in my same direction without any umbrella. As I got close to her, I covered her with my umbrella and offered her to walk together. She thanked me and stayed under the umbrella, while making some small chat (how long are you being living here, the road works, the rain, etc.).
During the entire walk I tried to keep some distance from her (at least one palm between our elbows), despite the umbrella not being that large, just to avoid any creepy factor.
When we reached the second block (I live on the third) she told me she had to cross the road, because she lived on the west side on the road, while we were walking on the east side, and didn't want to bother me with crossing twice. So she thanked me again and had a short run under the rain to reach the opposite side walk.
I took it as a polite way of hinting me of not following her until her door, so I didn't insist on offering her some more shelter, and kept walking on my side of the road. However, later I reconsidered it as just being polite from her and not wanting to bother me and that I might have come out as rude for just walking away.
How could I have offered her if I could further shelter her from the rain without sounding creepy or pushy?
awkward-situations politeness netherlands
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
up vote
19
down vote
favorite
up vote
19
down vote
favorite
Yesterday afternoon I (male, late 30) went to the supermarket in my neighborhood to buy something. Since the sky was menacing rain, I took along an umbrella. Lucky me, when I got out from the supermarket it was raining, so I opened the umbrella and headed home.
Few meters ahead I saw a woman (looking about my same age) walking in my same direction without any umbrella. As I got close to her, I covered her with my umbrella and offered her to walk together. She thanked me and stayed under the umbrella, while making some small chat (how long are you being living here, the road works, the rain, etc.).
During the entire walk I tried to keep some distance from her (at least one palm between our elbows), despite the umbrella not being that large, just to avoid any creepy factor.
When we reached the second block (I live on the third) she told me she had to cross the road, because she lived on the west side on the road, while we were walking on the east side, and didn't want to bother me with crossing twice. So she thanked me again and had a short run under the rain to reach the opposite side walk.
I took it as a polite way of hinting me of not following her until her door, so I didn't insist on offering her some more shelter, and kept walking on my side of the road. However, later I reconsidered it as just being polite from her and not wanting to bother me and that I might have come out as rude for just walking away.
How could I have offered her if I could further shelter her from the rain without sounding creepy or pushy?
awkward-situations politeness netherlands
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Yesterday afternoon I (male, late 30) went to the supermarket in my neighborhood to buy something. Since the sky was menacing rain, I took along an umbrella. Lucky me, when I got out from the supermarket it was raining, so I opened the umbrella and headed home.
Few meters ahead I saw a woman (looking about my same age) walking in my same direction without any umbrella. As I got close to her, I covered her with my umbrella and offered her to walk together. She thanked me and stayed under the umbrella, while making some small chat (how long are you being living here, the road works, the rain, etc.).
During the entire walk I tried to keep some distance from her (at least one palm between our elbows), despite the umbrella not being that large, just to avoid any creepy factor.
When we reached the second block (I live on the third) she told me she had to cross the road, because she lived on the west side on the road, while we were walking on the east side, and didn't want to bother me with crossing twice. So she thanked me again and had a short run under the rain to reach the opposite side walk.
I took it as a polite way of hinting me of not following her until her door, so I didn't insist on offering her some more shelter, and kept walking on my side of the road. However, later I reconsidered it as just being polite from her and not wanting to bother me and that I might have come out as rude for just walking away.
How could I have offered her if I could further shelter her from the rain without sounding creepy or pushy?
awkward-situations politeness netherlands
awkward-situations politeness netherlands
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
edited 12 mins ago
Laurel
14513
14513
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
asked 8 hours ago
UmbrellaMan
963
963
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
UmbrellaMan is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
up vote
37
down vote
Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.
Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way. Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else. Might even get a date afterwards if she decides to call and return it.
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
17
down vote
I don't think you could have.
Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.
The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.
The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh a lot when I am uncomfortable.
All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be certain that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.
However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy.
First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking "and you?").
Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that "I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day". With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further.
Finally, do not insist! People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
It's quite a good thing you used a "NL" tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.
That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :
It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!
I would just ask :
Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!
If they are indeed sure, I will just just let it go, but it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much, and that I truly want to help. They might just say it's alright because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.
Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (reasonably, of course).
Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
add a comment |Â
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
3 Answers
3
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
37
down vote
Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.
Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way. Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else. Might even get a date afterwards if she decides to call and return it.
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
37
down vote
Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.
Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way. Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else. Might even get a date afterwards if she decides to call and return it.
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
37
down vote
up vote
37
down vote
Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.
Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way. Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else. Might even get a date afterwards if she decides to call and return it.
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
Generally you shouldn't offer further help. As soon as she wants to go her way you let her do so. You are a random stranger to her, there is every chance she doesn't want to lead you to her home because you might be just a nice guy, but you might be psycho stalker. Any insistence to walk her home might be seen as creepy.
Saying all that the only possible answer to your question in my opinion is - give her the umbrella and go your own way. Might go with a card so she can return it someday. This is the only way you are not going to make her question your intentions. You will end up soaked but with the warm and fuzzy feeling that you did something nice for someone else. Might even get a date afterwards if she decides to call and return it.
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
edited 6 hours ago
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
answered 8 hours ago
Ontamu
3,73121233
3,73121233
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
add a comment |Â
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
1
1
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
I was going to upvote you until the date sentence, why is everything about dates.
– WendyG
22 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
17
down vote
I don't think you could have.
Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.
The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.
The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh a lot when I am uncomfortable.
All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be certain that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.
However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy.
First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking "and you?").
Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that "I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day". With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further.
Finally, do not insist! People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
add a comment |Â
up vote
17
down vote
I don't think you could have.
Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.
The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.
The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh a lot when I am uncomfortable.
All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be certain that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.
However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy.
First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking "and you?").
Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that "I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day". With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further.
Finally, do not insist! People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
add a comment |Â
up vote
17
down vote
up vote
17
down vote
I don't think you could have.
Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.
The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.
The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh a lot when I am uncomfortable.
All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be certain that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.
However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy.
First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking "and you?").
Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that "I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day". With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further.
Finally, do not insist! People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
I don't think you could have.
Different people have different sensibility to what makes them uncomfortable. I know that, for me (a woman), the mere fact that you propose your umbrella would have made me uncomfortable.
The fact that she accepted your proposition doesn't necessarily mean she is comfortable. I know that I would be capable of accepting this proposition out of fear, even if I don't want to accept.
The fact that she did some small talk tends to indicate that she was comfortable with this situation. But it is not a proof and you can't be certain of that. Even if she laughs, you can't be certain that she is comfortable. I tend to laugh a lot when I am uncomfortable.
All this to say that you couldn't offer further shelter and be certain that she doesn't think you are creepy and pushy.
However, if you still want to ask, you can minimize the risk of sounding creepy/pushy.
First, check if you feel that she is comfortable. Don't ask her but see if she is doing her share in the conversation (and not just responding to your question then maybe asking "and you?").
Then, when she told you she has to cross the road. You can maybe say something like that "I wouldn't have minded but, anyway, have a nice day". With this, you show her that crossing wasn't a problem for you but that you respect her decision (and that you don't expect her to change her mind). If she really wants to use the umbrella and was just being polite, she will ask you to accompany her further.
Finally, do not insist! People who insist are creepy. You don't want to be creepy.
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
edited 6 hours ago
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
answered 8 hours ago
Noon
2,2581525
2,2581525
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
It's quite a good thing you used a "NL" tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.
That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :
It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!
I would just ask :
Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!
If they are indeed sure, I will just just let it go, but it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much, and that I truly want to help. They might just say it's alright because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.
Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (reasonably, of course).
Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
It's quite a good thing you used a "NL" tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.
That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :
It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!
I would just ask :
Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!
If they are indeed sure, I will just just let it go, but it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much, and that I truly want to help. They might just say it's alright because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.
Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (reasonably, of course).
Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
up vote
1
down vote
It's quite a good thing you used a "NL" tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.
That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :
It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!
I would just ask :
Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!
If they are indeed sure, I will just just let it go, but it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much, and that I truly want to help. They might just say it's alright because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.
Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (reasonably, of course).
Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
It's quite a good thing you used a "NL" tag, because I live in France and that would definitely sounds like you were hitting on her.
That being said, when I offer my help to someone and they say something like :
It's alright, you can leave my package here! I live just to the opposite side of the road!
I would just ask :
Are you sure? That doesn't bother me at all to help you a little longer!
If they are indeed sure, I will just just let it go, but it's important to let people know they are not asking for too much, and that I truly want to help. They might just say it's alright because they feel like they are bothering me, so they are just trying to be polite. I just want to let them know I did notice they were trying to be polite, but my offer still holds. After that, I consider my job done, if I may say.
Also, context is really important. If it's a girl my age, I will never ever insist, but if we are talking about an old lady, I definitely would (reasonably, of course).
Congrats to your mom though, who raised you so well that you are well-mannered to offer your umbrella, while feeling (slightly?) awkward about it.
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
answered 41 mins ago
MonsieurTruite
28513
28513
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
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UmbrellaMan is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
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