Iyfjky

Question

IÃ¢Â€Â™d like to know how I can make people stop telling others every single thing I tell them.

HereÃ¢Â€Â™s a dialog between me and my high-school colleague, in class:

Me: In case you canÃ¢Â€Â™t eat any more, can I have the rest? (Out of taste)

My colleague: No.

My colleague: Look, that guy asked me if he can eat my hamburger.

And then my colleague changed her mind and she gave me the hamburger.

I also had an experience similar into this one before, and many times in elementary school. I live in Romania.

Is there a way which you can speak to others in such that others wonÃ¢Â€Â™t need to tell to others about what I told them or asked them? ItÃ¢Â€Â™s really disrupting me and annoys me that they act like it is so weird. I wish there would be a way to put an end to this kind of situation.

For example, when you see someone eating something and you would like to how how it tastes, how do you ask your colleague in such a way that they wont tell others what you asked?

The reason I asked my colleague about this, is because I felt taste for it to eat, because I wanted to try how does the hamburger tastes different from shaorma.

Before one of my colleagues invited me and other one with her in one desk, so that we can talk in a break time, and she allowed me to eat from what she eats and she didnÃ¢Â€Â™t repeat it to others.

This doesn't seem like a weird request to me. I ask my mother or my sister sometimes this. And according to my logic, it is polite to ask someone. If that person says, no, then I respect their wish. Sharing food is one of the ways you can build good relationship.

It would improve your question if you said how old you and your classmates are. To start with I thought you were adults, but now I get the feeling you are schoolchildren... — 2 days ago
@RedSonja IÃ¢Â€Â™m 19 years old, and sheÃ¢Â€Â™s 18 years old. Some of my class are 18 years old. And IÃ¢Â€Â™m 1 year ahead of them in grade 12( the final school year) — 2 days ago
Do you find this happens a lot with many different people, or is there a specific person or a few people who do this often? — 2 days ago
What I was trying to get at is if it's just one person, you can deal with it by just minimizing what you communicate to that person. If it's a lot of different people in many situations, then you will have to deal with this by changing your own behavior. In short, is the issue with you, or with someone else? — yesterday

score 59 · Accepted Answer · 2018-10-04 23:29:21Z

Don't give them anything to talk about

This is a critical IPS skill that, unfortunately, not everyone comes by naturally. Sometimes you have to really work for it, and it can take a lot of trial and error to understand how your actions will be perceived. A good rule of thumb is if you haven't seen other people doing or saying something before in a particular social context, then don't do that thing. In your example, that means at the type of gathering you were at, if you haven't witnessed people sharing or asking to share food, then you should do neither.

Understanding that you should follow suit in social situations, there are two ways you could have handled this situation better in this particular social setting:

Just eat your own food and don't ask anyone to share theirs. This includes times when someone cannot finish their food and would otherwise throw it out. It is not yours, it might seem like begging, and it is certainly unusual in this setting, so people are more likely to talk about it.

Imply that they should share, but don't outright ask them to.

"Man, that looks good! I've never had one of those before!"

"What does it taste like?"

"Are you going to finish that?"

These should all indicate that you would like to try some of their food, but doesn't really give them the opportunity to talk about how you were begging food off of them. Note that it might be annoying to them because you are indirectly pressuring them to give you food (and people can often be annoyed by indirectness), but the reason why people utilize these kind of indirect requests are precisely to avoid breaking social norms like the one you broke.

I, too, am a person who is annoyed when people talk about something innocuous I said or did. I just choose to remember that people will think what they will think, and it'll be okay. I also have had a hard time with self-awareness, especially while I was younger, but I still suffer from it every now and again. Thankfully I was blessed with an analytical mind and have been able to figure out the faux-pas by watching how other people act. Look around, observe the behavior of people around you, and emulate it. People will stop acting like you are weird if you act like them.

"Are you going to finish that?" can come across badly depending on how/when/what tone it is used with. — 2 days ago
Or a phrase "at least in english" that would be common among friends that doesn't usually come off as weird "Can I try some of that?". Which is usually asking for a single bite worth and not "the rest" which sounds weird. — 2 days ago
I can only think of three interpretations for "Are you going to finish that?" They are "Wow, I've never seen somebody eat something so big -- do you think you'll manage?", "Wow, I've never seen somebody eat something so weird/gross/whatever -- do you think you'll manage?" and "Hurry up, already. I want your leftovers." Since I'm not in the habit of eating unusually large or unusually weird things, pretty much any time somebody asks me "Are you going to finish that?", it's the leftovers thing. It's not literally, outright asking for leftovers, but it's going to be interpreted as that. — 6 hours ago
I would only point out explicitly that different situations have different norms, as the OP has discovered. Something that may be appropriate between family members may not be appropriate between friends at school (unless, possibly, if they are very close friends). — 6 hours ago
What I hate is when I eat one thing at a time -- perhaps saving the best for last -- and someone else asks me to give it to them, perhaps saying, "are you going to eat that?" Even worse is when I tell them I AM going to eat it, and they say, I'm only planning to eat it because they asked for it. I suspect people who eat a bite of this, a bite of that, back and forth, think that people like me aren't going to eat something just because I haven't started it YET. — 20 mins ago

Rick 27114 · Answer 2 · 2018-10-04 18:09:06Z

It sounds to me, like the person was surprised by your request and wanted to express that surprise. This is likely due to a difference in cultural norms. Like BlackThorn mentioned, it appears you're breaking some cultural norm by asking for the rest of her food.

When she shared with her friend, not only was she expressing her surprise, but was also subtly (possibly subconsciously) enforcing the social norm you were breaking, by embarrassing you. Additionally, by talking to the third person, she was getting renforcement and validation that you were indeed breaking the social norm.

It's likely that the person will continue to use this technique if you do not do something to intervene. What I would suggest, would be to try to get the person to use a more polite way to educate you on the expected social norms in the situation.

Perhaps you could try something like:

Sorry, it seems like the way I asked for your food wasn't something
you were expecting. I'm used to everyone sharing any food they aren't
going to finnish [or some other norm for you]. Is that not appropriate
here?

That might lead to an insightful discussion on differences in social norms. This will also show that you are interested in learning openly about social norms. So in the future, if the person witnesses you breaking a norm, they are more likely to explain the social norm and have a discussion with you, rather than embarrassing you.

Hi, this sound like a good answer to me, I just have one question though: Where you in a similar situation before where you successfully used this technic? In here it's better to back-up your answer with personal experience (here is a guide to How to write a good answer if you need it) — Oct 4 at 18:57

score 13 · Answer 3 · 2018-10-04 13:39:16Z

First of all, you won't be able to avoid those situation in the future, but maybe next time you will be more prepared to face them.

My opinion regarding the 'hamburger' situation, you should make the whole thing as coming from their side, not yours.
In your example make her offer you the rest of the hamburger without even asking.

I am gonna write you down some scenarios to the 'hamburger' situation hopping it will help you in many other cases:

1: Instead of asking her :

In case you canÃ¢Â€Â™t eat any more, can I continue for you?

You should say :

I am really curious how it tastes. Maybe next time I will order the
same seeing you eating with such a big appetite. Is it good?

and maybe after that she will say:

You can take the rest if you want since I am already full.

(instead of throwing the rest of the hamburger, she will pass it to you).

2: Let's say the scenario you've presented already took place and you want to solve this issue of her being like that. Say:

Oh, I didn't mean to offend you by asking for the rest, I was just
curious about the taste. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

or if you are good fellas and not just random colleagues, that share no more than few words a day:

Can you say it a bit louder, maybe they didn't hear you! (and laugh)

Sometimes turning the situation into something funny, shows a sign of an intelligent and relaxed person, who has control over any situation. Just be careful, when choosing to be ironic / sarcastic because not everybody understands it and you might end up being creepy or silly.

3: Just tell them straight that your intention was simple and if they want to mock you, they better find something else to do because you won't tolerate that.

I was asking you politely, you don't have tell that to everyone. Sorry, next time I will think twice before I'll speak my mind.

What you should keep in mind is that you should not tolerate, they mocking you, if it makes you uncomfortable!
Sometimes making the whole thing coming from their side or turning an unpleasant situation into something funny, might help you deal with this kind of problem next time.

Best luck!

score 8 · Answer 4 · 2018-10-05 18:14:01Z

Your Example

In above example, you can communicate in following way,

You: If you don't mind, may I taste it? Next time I will tell my mom to prepare same for us

Your question

Is there a way which you can speak to others in such that others wonÃ¢Â€Â™t need to tell to others about what I told them or asked them?

Short Answer -

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can analyze their behavior patterns and accordingly communicate with them.

Further Explanation

Here, measure issue is the perception of the other member that how he/she interpret your communication. It depends upon trust between one another.

You can't change others but instead you can make changes in your way of communication (I am not saying you are bad in communication). I mean, you can change your way of communication according to atmosphere in your organization.

You are talking about grapevine communication which is unofficial, informal and personal communication that takes place in an organization as a result of gossip and rumor. This type of communication can distort facts and create conflict or misunderstanding. It is very important that you identify them ahead of time. When people donÃ¢Â€Â™t have all the facts in hand, they tend to speculate information and create distorted facts.

Focus on

You can focus on following things,

Focus and understand on the Ã¢Â€ÂœwhyÃ¢Â€Â before engaging in communication
to avoid ratholes and side issues

Listen

Make your message as easy and simple to digest as possible.

Avoid using words that can be confusing.

Be clear and direct to the point.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things (or if possible make above positive changes in you according to their behavior patterns). This happens in many organizations. you need to concentrate on your work.

Dmitry Grigoryev 795111 · Answer 5 · 2018-10-05 11:49:33Z

You can't really prevent people from talking about what they heard or saw. You can, however, prevent people from discussing awkward things you said or did, by not saying or doing awkward things. If you're convinced that your request to finish someone else's meal was not awkward, then you should have no problem that other people talk about it.

Simply put, don't publicly do or say things you wouldn't want your colleagues to know or talk about.

Noon 2,8962928 · Answer 6 · 2018-10-06 07:26:26Z

I had a similar situation with an old friend.

He had given my phone number to someone that I prefer to not have it, because of their drug use. And when I asked my friend not to give my number out to people. He told the person that he HAD given the number to that I was mad at him for giving my number to them. At which point that person called me up to ask me why? I told them but it was a very uncomfortable situation.

I prefer to go with a "What's said in group stays in group" mentality. Even if "Group" is just me and 1 other person. Or if I think it's something I would like to quote them on I will tell them that is what I'm considering doing.

I've also had it be where I say something that could be considered witty and have a person basically steal it and use it moments later as though it was their own. And on the flip side I've had somebody be surprised when I give them credit for their wit when sharing it with someone else.

So my advice would have to be. The "What's said in group" method and when it comes to keeping yourself in check another good one is "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all".

This does not really answer the question. If you have a different question, you can ask it by clicking Ask Question. You can also add a bounty to draw more attention to this question once you have enough reputation. - From Review — yesterday

score 59 · Accepted Answer · 2018-10-04 23:29:21Z

Don't give them anything to talk about

This is a critical IPS skill that, unfortunately, not everyone comes by naturally. Sometimes you have to really work for it, and it can take a lot of trial and error to understand how your actions will be perceived. A good rule of thumb is if you haven't seen other people doing or saying something before in a particular social context, then don't do that thing. In your example, that means at the type of gathering you were at, if you haven't witnessed people sharing or asking to share food, then you should do neither.

Understanding that you should follow suit in social situations, there are two ways you could have handled this situation better in this particular social setting:

Just eat your own food and don't ask anyone to share theirs. This includes times when someone cannot finish their food and would otherwise throw it out. It is not yours, it might seem like begging, and it is certainly unusual in this setting, so people are more likely to talk about it.

Imply that they should share, but don't outright ask them to.

"Man, that looks good! I've never had one of those before!"

"What does it taste like?"

"Are you going to finish that?"

These should all indicate that you would like to try some of their food, but doesn't really give them the opportunity to talk about how you were begging food off of them. Note that it might be annoying to them because you are indirectly pressuring them to give you food (and people can often be annoyed by indirectness), but the reason why people utilize these kind of indirect requests are precisely to avoid breaking social norms like the one you broke.

I, too, am a person who is annoyed when people talk about something innocuous I said or did. I just choose to remember that people will think what they will think, and it'll be okay. I also have had a hard time with self-awareness, especially while I was younger, but I still suffer from it every now and again. Thankfully I was blessed with an analytical mind and have been able to figure out the faux-pas by watching how other people act. Look around, observe the behavior of people around you, and emulate it. People will stop acting like you are weird if you act like them.

"Are you going to finish that?" can come across badly depending on how/when/what tone it is used with. — 2 days ago
Or a phrase "at least in english" that would be common among friends that doesn't usually come off as weird "Can I try some of that?". Which is usually asking for a single bite worth and not "the rest" which sounds weird. — 2 days ago
I can only think of three interpretations for "Are you going to finish that?" They are "Wow, I've never seen somebody eat something so big -- do you think you'll manage?", "Wow, I've never seen somebody eat something so weird/gross/whatever -- do you think you'll manage?" and "Hurry up, already. I want your leftovers." Since I'm not in the habit of eating unusually large or unusually weird things, pretty much any time somebody asks me "Are you going to finish that?", it's the leftovers thing. It's not literally, outright asking for leftovers, but it's going to be interpreted as that. — 6 hours ago
I would only point out explicitly that different situations have different norms, as the OP has discovered. Something that may be appropriate between family members may not be appropriate between friends at school (unless, possibly, if they are very close friends). — 6 hours ago
What I hate is when I eat one thing at a time -- perhaps saving the best for last -- and someone else asks me to give it to them, perhaps saying, "are you going to eat that?" Even worse is when I tell them I AM going to eat it, and they say, I'm only planning to eat it because they asked for it. I suspect people who eat a bite of this, a bite of that, back and forth, think that people like me aren't going to eat something just because I haven't started it YET. — 20 mins ago

Rick 27114 · Answer 8 · 2018-10-04 18:09:06Z

It sounds to me, like the person was surprised by your request and wanted to express that surprise. This is likely due to a difference in cultural norms. Like BlackThorn mentioned, it appears you're breaking some cultural norm by asking for the rest of her food.

When she shared with her friend, not only was she expressing her surprise, but was also subtly (possibly subconsciously) enforcing the social norm you were breaking, by embarrassing you. Additionally, by talking to the third person, she was getting renforcement and validation that you were indeed breaking the social norm.

It's likely that the person will continue to use this technique if you do not do something to intervene. What I would suggest, would be to try to get the person to use a more polite way to educate you on the expected social norms in the situation.

Perhaps you could try something like:

Sorry, it seems like the way I asked for your food wasn't something
you were expecting. I'm used to everyone sharing any food they aren't
going to finnish [or some other norm for you]. Is that not appropriate
here?

That might lead to an insightful discussion on differences in social norms. This will also show that you are interested in learning openly about social norms. So in the future, if the person witnesses you breaking a norm, they are more likely to explain the social norm and have a discussion with you, rather than embarrassing you.

Hi, this sound like a good answer to me, I just have one question though: Where you in a similar situation before where you successfully used this technic? In here it's better to back-up your answer with personal experience (here is a guide to How to write a good answer if you need it) — Oct 4 at 18:57

score 13 · Answer 9 · 2018-10-04 13:39:16Z

First of all, you won't be able to avoid those situation in the future, but maybe next time you will be more prepared to face them.

My opinion regarding the 'hamburger' situation, you should make the whole thing as coming from their side, not yours.
In your example make her offer you the rest of the hamburger without even asking.

I am gonna write you down some scenarios to the 'hamburger' situation hopping it will help you in many other cases:

1: Instead of asking her :

In case you canÃ¢Â€Â™t eat any more, can I continue for you?

You should say :

I am really curious how it tastes. Maybe next time I will order the
same seeing you eating with such a big appetite. Is it good?

and maybe after that she will say:

You can take the rest if you want since I am already full.

(instead of throwing the rest of the hamburger, she will pass it to you).

2: Let's say the scenario you've presented already took place and you want to solve this issue of her being like that. Say:

Oh, I didn't mean to offend you by asking for the rest, I was just
curious about the taste. Sorry for the misunderstanding!

or if you are good fellas and not just random colleagues, that share no more than few words a day:

Can you say it a bit louder, maybe they didn't hear you! (and laugh)

Sometimes turning the situation into something funny, shows a sign of an intelligent and relaxed person, who has control over any situation. Just be careful, when choosing to be ironic / sarcastic because not everybody understands it and you might end up being creepy or silly.

3: Just tell them straight that your intention was simple and if they want to mock you, they better find something else to do because you won't tolerate that.

I was asking you politely, you don't have tell that to everyone. Sorry, next time I will think twice before I'll speak my mind.

What you should keep in mind is that you should not tolerate, they mocking you, if it makes you uncomfortable!
Sometimes making the whole thing coming from their side or turning an unpleasant situation into something funny, might help you deal with this kind of problem next time.

Best luck!

score 8 · Answer 10 · 2018-10-05 18:14:01Z

Your Example

In above example, you can communicate in following way,

You: If you don't mind, may I taste it? Next time I will tell my mom to prepare same for us

Your question

Is there a way which you can speak to others in such that others wonÃ¢Â€Â™t need to tell to others about what I told them or asked them?

Short Answer -

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can analyze their behavior patterns and accordingly communicate with them.

Further Explanation

Here, measure issue is the perception of the other member that how he/she interpret your communication. It depends upon trust between one another.

You can't change others but instead you can make changes in your way of communication (I am not saying you are bad in communication). I mean, you can change your way of communication according to atmosphere in your organization.

You are talking about grapevine communication which is unofficial, informal and personal communication that takes place in an organization as a result of gossip and rumor. This type of communication can distort facts and create conflict or misunderstanding. It is very important that you identify them ahead of time. When people donÃ¢Â€Â™t have all the facts in hand, they tend to speculate information and create distorted facts.

Focus on

You can focus on following things,

Focus and understand on the Ã¢Â€ÂœwhyÃ¢Â€Â before engaging in communication
to avoid ratholes and side issues

Listen

Make your message as easy and simple to digest as possible.

Avoid using words that can be confusing.

Be clear and direct to the point.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things (or if possible make above positive changes in you according to their behavior patterns). This happens in many organizations. you need to concentrate on your work.

Dmitry Grigoryev 795111 · Answer 11 · 2018-10-05 11:49:33Z

You can't really prevent people from talking about what they heard or saw. You can, however, prevent people from discussing awkward things you said or did, by not saying or doing awkward things. If you're convinced that your request to finish someone else's meal was not awkward, then you should have no problem that other people talk about it.

Simply put, don't publicly do or say things you wouldn't want your colleagues to know or talk about.

Noon 2,8962928 · Answer 12 · 2018-10-06 07:26:26Z

I had a similar situation with an old friend.

He had given my phone number to someone that I prefer to not have it, because of their drug use. And when I asked my friend not to give my number out to people. He told the person that he HAD given the number to that I was mad at him for giving my number to them. At which point that person called me up to ask me why? I told them but it was a very uncomfortable situation.

I prefer to go with a "What's said in group stays in group" mentality. Even if "Group" is just me and 1 other person. Or if I think it's something I would like to quote them on I will tell them that is what I'm considering doing.

I've also had it be where I say something that could be considered witty and have a person basically steal it and use it moments later as though it was their own. And on the flip side I've had somebody be surprised when I give them credit for their wit when sharing it with someone else.

So my advice would have to be. The "What's said in group" method and when it comes to keeping yourself in check another good one is "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all".

This does not really answer the question. If you have a different question, you can ask it by clicking Ask Question. You can also add a bounty to draw more attention to this question once you have enough reputation. - From Review — yesterday

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How do I prevent people from repeating to others everything I say to them?

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Don't give them anything to talk about

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

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Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

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Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

Don't give them anything to talk about

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

You can't avoid how they think. Just ignore these things and Focus on following 5 points

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