How can I tell my husband I need time for myself without work?
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I have studied computer sciences and work full-time as a developer now. When I come home from work, I want to spend some time with my husband and the kid till bed time, and then play video games or crochet or puzzle, listening to audio books... I really need this time doing things where I can turn off my brain, as the job (and especially the social interaction coming along with it) is quite exhausting to me and I want to leave work at workplace.
My husband is unemployed since several years and has spend much time at home with his pc, trying to figure out much things and became tech savvy before we met. Since we became a family, he does most of the chores, takes the kid to daycare, cooks (~ male house wife). He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to. Even when everything works fine, he tells me instead of playing a game, I should program some mods for it or program apps for his personal use or simply work/read/educate myself. He thinks my job is just 'free time' as I often could send him a short message and tell him about my day, and he does the 'real work' - as a toddler is very demanding.
How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
Currently I could chose from wasting my spare time with issues I am not interested in, and fighting with my husband and having a bad conscience for being not as dedicated as he wants me to be. I mostly chose the last, but I'm tired of it.
boundaries marriage work-life-balance
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I have studied computer sciences and work full-time as a developer now. When I come home from work, I want to spend some time with my husband and the kid till bed time, and then play video games or crochet or puzzle, listening to audio books... I really need this time doing things where I can turn off my brain, as the job (and especially the social interaction coming along with it) is quite exhausting to me and I want to leave work at workplace.
My husband is unemployed since several years and has spend much time at home with his pc, trying to figure out much things and became tech savvy before we met. Since we became a family, he does most of the chores, takes the kid to daycare, cooks (~ male house wife). He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to. Even when everything works fine, he tells me instead of playing a game, I should program some mods for it or program apps for his personal use or simply work/read/educate myself. He thinks my job is just 'free time' as I often could send him a short message and tell him about my day, and he does the 'real work' - as a toddler is very demanding.
How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
Currently I could chose from wasting my spare time with issues I am not interested in, and fighting with my husband and having a bad conscience for being not as dedicated as he wants me to be. I mostly chose the last, but I'm tired of it.
boundaries marriage work-life-balance
Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
4
down vote
favorite
up vote
4
down vote
favorite
I have studied computer sciences and work full-time as a developer now. When I come home from work, I want to spend some time with my husband and the kid till bed time, and then play video games or crochet or puzzle, listening to audio books... I really need this time doing things where I can turn off my brain, as the job (and especially the social interaction coming along with it) is quite exhausting to me and I want to leave work at workplace.
My husband is unemployed since several years and has spend much time at home with his pc, trying to figure out much things and became tech savvy before we met. Since we became a family, he does most of the chores, takes the kid to daycare, cooks (~ male house wife). He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to. Even when everything works fine, he tells me instead of playing a game, I should program some mods for it or program apps for his personal use or simply work/read/educate myself. He thinks my job is just 'free time' as I often could send him a short message and tell him about my day, and he does the 'real work' - as a toddler is very demanding.
How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
Currently I could chose from wasting my spare time with issues I am not interested in, and fighting with my husband and having a bad conscience for being not as dedicated as he wants me to be. I mostly chose the last, but I'm tired of it.
boundaries marriage work-life-balance
I have studied computer sciences and work full-time as a developer now. When I come home from work, I want to spend some time with my husband and the kid till bed time, and then play video games or crochet or puzzle, listening to audio books... I really need this time doing things where I can turn off my brain, as the job (and especially the social interaction coming along with it) is quite exhausting to me and I want to leave work at workplace.
My husband is unemployed since several years and has spend much time at home with his pc, trying to figure out much things and became tech savvy before we met. Since we became a family, he does most of the chores, takes the kid to daycare, cooks (~ male house wife). He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to. Even when everything works fine, he tells me instead of playing a game, I should program some mods for it or program apps for his personal use or simply work/read/educate myself. He thinks my job is just 'free time' as I often could send him a short message and tell him about my day, and he does the 'real work' - as a toddler is very demanding.
How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
Currently I could chose from wasting my spare time with issues I am not interested in, and fighting with my husband and having a bad conscience for being not as dedicated as he wants me to be. I mostly chose the last, but I'm tired of it.
boundaries marriage work-life-balance
boundaries marriage work-life-balance
asked 4 hours ago
Kinaeh
402211
402211
Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago
add a comment |Â
Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago
Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago
add a comment |Â
2 Answers
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up vote
4
down vote
An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.
Restoring appreciation
Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.
You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a calm discussion in which both of you clearly state their point of view.
Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)
And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know all of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.
Everybody needs an occasional timeout
It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.
Make the discussion about finding a solution together
Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and not that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.
Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.
The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize some jealousy here.
I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.
There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.
He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.
If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little
"Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me"
.
A simple response to this might be "Well your the one asking me! You broke it!"
You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.
Your direct question How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.
This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.
As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.
This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply "Fiddling" you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.
Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.
Some suggestion's then to start with might be:
Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things. This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.
What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a "Date Night" or "Quiet Night". If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.
Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.
If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.
New contributor
add a comment |Â
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
4
down vote
An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.
Restoring appreciation
Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.
You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a calm discussion in which both of you clearly state their point of view.
Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)
And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know all of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.
Everybody needs an occasional timeout
It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.
Make the discussion about finding a solution together
Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and not that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.
Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.
The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.
add a comment |Â
up vote
4
down vote
An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.
Restoring appreciation
Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.
You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a calm discussion in which both of you clearly state their point of view.
Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)
And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know all of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.
Everybody needs an occasional timeout
It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.
Make the discussion about finding a solution together
Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and not that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.
Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.
The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.
add a comment |Â
up vote
4
down vote
up vote
4
down vote
An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.
Restoring appreciation
Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.
You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a calm discussion in which both of you clearly state their point of view.
Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)
And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know all of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.
Everybody needs an occasional timeout
It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.
Make the discussion about finding a solution together
Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and not that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.
Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.
The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.
An important factor in any relationship is mutual appreciation. Not feeling like your partner values you or what you do to try and benefit both of you is extremely disheartening, and in my opinion something that should be restored in your relationship.
Restoring appreciation
Your husband does not seem to understand that your work is demanding, too. Sure, having a toddler to take care of for the longest part of the day is demanding. But so is having a job.
You should have a talk with your husband about that. Don't make it a confrontation that might leave him feel attacked, but a calm discussion in which both of you clearly state their point of view.
Tell him that you feel stressed when you come home from eight hours of work (I'm assuming) and need some time to unwind. Just relax and do something to help you shut off your brain. You don't want to come home from work and directly be greeted by more work. (Trust me, I get that...)
And also mention that you might know tech stuff, but you don't know all of tech stuff. Just because somebody is an electrical engineer it does not mean they can fix a microwave that stopped working. Say (calmly) that it always stings a little when he mocks you for not being able to fix something.
Everybody needs an occasional timeout
It is perfectly fine to ask of your partner to just have some time on your own. Everybody needs that from time to time. This does not mean your relationship is dysfunctional it just means you want to relax and take your mind off things. That is normal and should be respected by partners.
Make the discussion about finding a solution together
Your phrasing should always reflect that you do want to find a solution to the current problems and not that you are just stating how things should be done in the future. Figure that out together.
Maybe in an honest and calm discussion you get some more insight on how your husband is seeing things.
The result will most likely be a compromise, but it will very likely be better than your current situation.
answered 2 hours ago
ArtificialSoul
1,7362310
1,7362310
add a comment |Â
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize some jealousy here.
I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.
There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.
He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.
If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little
"Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me"
.
A simple response to this might be "Well your the one asking me! You broke it!"
You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.
Your direct question How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.
This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.
As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.
This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply "Fiddling" you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.
Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.
Some suggestion's then to start with might be:
Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things. This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.
What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a "Date Night" or "Quiet Night". If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.
Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.
If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.
New contributor
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize some jealousy here.
I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.
There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.
He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.
If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little
"Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me"
.
A simple response to this might be "Well your the one asking me! You broke it!"
You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.
Your direct question How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.
This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.
As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.
This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply "Fiddling" you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.
Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.
Some suggestion's then to start with might be:
Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things. This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.
What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a "Date Night" or "Quiet Night". If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.
Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.
If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.
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Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize some jealousy here.
I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.
There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.
He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.
If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little
"Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me"
.
A simple response to this might be "Well your the one asking me! You broke it!"
You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.
Your direct question How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.
This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.
As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.
This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply "Fiddling" you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.
Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.
Some suggestion's then to start with might be:
Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things. This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.
What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a "Date Night" or "Quiet Night". If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.
Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.
If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.
New contributor
Recognizing that different cultures have different norms I'm going to be brave and say I recognize some jealousy here.
I say brave because the problem with mentoring is our answers are only as good as your description of the problem. I am also making some assumptions here. I'm assuming he doesn't contribute to income(not an issue in itself as he does the home making). Im assuming you own/rent a home together and live together.
There is an example you give in your back-story that stands out.
He doesn't spend his free time with technical issues anymore. Any time something around his pc, our home network, the router or peripheral devices etc. is broken, he expects me to fix it because 'I am the master of technology' and kind of mocks me, when I'm not able to.
If this started around the time you graduated and or landed your new job that might indicate some jealousy on his part. The mocking part might just be his way of leveling the field a little
"Yes you have your degree but your not that much better than me"
.
A simple response to this might be "Well your the one asking me! You broke it!"
You haven't indicated what he did before he became unemployed or why, What his aspirations were/are, What his education/experience is and what he has done about it in response so it is difficult to relate and offer up past experience where possible. Finding out what he plans to do in order to contribute when the little one starts school will be a good measure of his mind set.
Your direct question How could I make him stop ruining my free evenings?
could be rephrased slightly and instead answer the question How can I find a way to relax that agrees with both of our requirements.
This is going to be a team effort and will need buy-in from both of you.
As for how to talk to him, A quick fix that worked for me was to stick some wellies on the little one and take down-time outside and away from any distractions. A walk or kick around worked quite well. This should help give time to workout what to do at home, if nothing it helps lubricate conversation a little.
This will only work if your husband is not glued to his pc and reluctant to have any time away from it. You have not said what he does with it. Is he studying? Is he researching? Does he freelance? Does he contribute to the households cash flow in any way? Does he intend to soon and he's building his way there?. If he is simply "Fiddling" you could recognize that too him but also understand that might be his way of unwinding too.
Being a parent is hard work, You mention daycare and I am assuming this is stay and play where he stays with little one with out much chance for a break. One question to ask would be what he intends to do when the little one starts full time school? As this will significantly shift the pressure onto you, And most likely cause resentment on your side.
Some suggestion's then to start with might be:
Decide and work out if he is at all jealous in any way. What he is jealous of and how that manifests might be two different things. This is best done with indirect questions, perhaps even a story. If you suspect he is jealous of your degree then a story of how a friend you studied with that dropped out of uni has just landed a job as a junior programmer and is doing well, might just illicit a response. See what his response is and go from there. Obviously keep it factual and relate-able. How you deal with where to go next is another Question all together.
What does he do on his pc that requires so much attention from you? Could your intervention to fix something not wait a day or two while you have a "Date Night" or "Quiet Night". If he has the technical knowledge but would rather see the 'Qualified' one do it in order to 'Justify' or 'Prove' your time at uni then that again is a whole other Question.
Find some common but neutral interests if you want to unwind together.
If all else fails the blunt approach usually works, a good fall out usually clears the air in my experience.
New contributor
New contributor
answered 34 mins ago
Moz
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Would you clarify if you think the situation would be the same if your husbands "hobby" was not related to your work. For example was wood work or model building, And his requests for assistance would be equally intrusive into your down-time?. Also does your husband believe your expertise has no value to the household during work hours and you'r expertise is only contributing to the household by fixing his issues? Thirdly(sorry) would you clarify if your husband shares parenting time with you when you are both home, or does he expect you to "take over" and allow him to get his down-time?
â Moz
3 hours ago
@Moz - I guess, if it was unrelated, he'd leave me alone. He likes cooking for example, or music, but he never dragged me much into this. And when he did it was different: more 'would you like to join', less expectation. - for the last question - I guess he's trying to get something valuable out of my degree as the money I earn is not enough. Money never played a huge role in his life.
â Kinaeh
3 hours ago
Is your husband comfortable with the fact that he's a stay at home dad and you are out working full time?
â DaveG
31 mins ago