How to react to a student asking about my religious beliefs during office hours?

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A few weeks ago, a student asked me during my office hours whether I was religious or not. More specifically, he asked whether I believed in his religion, and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively.

How should I react to a question such as this? Religion is a bit of a touchy subject, and even if I am a TA (i.e., not the instructor of the course - and more importantly, also a student), I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

edit: Some comments have pointed out that the student was never actually preaching, and I understand and somewhat agree. The reason I chose this phrasing over anything else was because he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know".

edit 2: I'm in computer science; there is no link whatsoever between religion and the contents of the class (or the whole program, really).

etiquette computer-science united-states university

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edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

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  @osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:16
  

  
  
  
  


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  "proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
  – Michael J.
  Nov 5 at 22:39
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:46
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
  – TimothyAWiseman
  Nov 6 at 0:07
  

  
  
  
  


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  // , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
  – Nathan Basanese
  Nov 6 at 1:23
  
  

  
  
  
  

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A few weeks ago, a student asked me during my office hours whether I was religious or not. More specifically, he asked whether I believed in his religion, and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively.

How should I react to a question such as this? Religion is a bit of a touchy subject, and even if I am a TA (i.e., not the instructor of the course - and more importantly, also a student), I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

edit: Some comments have pointed out that the student was never actually preaching, and I understand and somewhat agree. The reason I chose this phrasing over anything else was because he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know".

edit 2: I'm in computer science; there is no link whatsoever between religion and the contents of the class (or the whole program, really).

etiquette computer-science united-states university

share|improve this question

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

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osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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  @osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:16
  

  
  
  
  


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  "proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
  – Michael J.
  Nov 5 at 22:39
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:46
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
  – TimothyAWiseman
  Nov 6 at 0:07
  

  
  
  
  


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  // , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
  – Nathan Basanese
  Nov 6 at 1:23
  
  

  
  
  
  

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show 10 more comments

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up vote
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A few weeks ago, a student asked me during my office hours whether I was religious or not. More specifically, he asked whether I believed in his religion, and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively.

How should I react to a question such as this? Religion is a bit of a touchy subject, and even if I am a TA (i.e., not the instructor of the course - and more importantly, also a student), I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

edit: Some comments have pointed out that the student was never actually preaching, and I understand and somewhat agree. The reason I chose this phrasing over anything else was because he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know".

edit 2: I'm in computer science; there is no link whatsoever between religion and the contents of the class (or the whole program, really).

etiquette computer-science united-states university

share|improve this question

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

New contributor

osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

A few weeks ago, a student asked me during my office hours whether I was religious or not. More specifically, he asked whether I believed in his religion, and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively.

How should I react to a question such as this? Religion is a bit of a touchy subject, and even if I am a TA (i.e., not the instructor of the course - and more importantly, also a student), I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

edit: Some comments have pointed out that the student was never actually preaching, and I understand and somewhat agree. The reason I chose this phrasing over anything else was because he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know".

edit 2: I'm in computer science; there is no link whatsoever between religion and the contents of the class (or the whole program, really).

etiquette computer-science united-states university

etiquette computer-science united-states university

share|improve this question

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

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osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

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share|improve this question

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

edited 27 mins ago

jpmc26

26539

26539

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

New contributor

osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
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asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

asked Nov 5 at 19:56

osuka_

457146

457146

New contributor

osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

New contributor

osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

osuka_ is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.

• 
  
  
  

  
  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:16
  

  
  
  
  


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  33
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
  – Michael J.
  Nov 5 at 22:39
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:46
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
  – TimothyAWiseman
  Nov 6 at 0:07
  

  
  
  
  


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  // , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
  – Nathan Basanese
  Nov 6 at 1:23
  
  

  
  
  
  

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show 10 more comments

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  @osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:16
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  33
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
  – Michael J.
  Nov 5 at 22:39
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
  – Bryan Krause
  Nov 5 at 22:46
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
  – TimothyAWiseman
  Nov 6 at 0:07
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  6
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  // , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
  – Nathan Basanese
  Nov 6 at 1:23
  
  

  
  
  
  

5

5

@osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
– Bryan Krause
Nov 5 at 22:16

@osuka_ I think the edit is helpful. You could also use "proselytizing" which conveys more of an attempt at religious conversation, including one-on-one interaction, whereas "preach" suggests the audience is a larger group. You could also add "in office hours" to your title to make more clear this is a private, rather than public, overture.
– Bryan Krause
Nov 5 at 22:16

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33

"proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
– Michael J.
Nov 5 at 22:39

"proselytizing" does not fit either. This word means "the action of attempting to convert someone from one religion, belief, or opinion to another" and from what you described this did not happen. Would you consider it "proselytizing" if he had asked if you were a Dallas Cowboys fan, following it up with, "Do you want to know why they are the best"?
– Michael J.
Nov 5 at 22:39

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@MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
– Bryan Krause
Nov 5 at 22:46

@MichaelJ. From the OP: he did try to make the conversation into something along the lines of "Do you want to learn about the ways of [religious figure]? There's always time, you know - that's proselytizing, or evangelizing if you prefer. They aren't having a broad discussion about theology, someone specifically brought up their religion and asked for a chance to start converting them toward it.
– Bryan Krause
Nov 5 at 22:46

5

5

You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
– TimothyAWiseman
Nov 6 at 0:07

You didn't mention what you are teaching. If you are teaching a class on philosophy or comparative religion your student might have a valid reason for wanting to know where your biases lie. You would still have the right to deflect the question if you find it too personal, but the reasonableness of the question changes along with how you could deflect changes.
– TimothyAWiseman
Nov 6 at 0:07

6

6

// , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
– Nathan Basanese
Nov 6 at 1:23

// , "Proselytizing" seems a bit much to describe this sort of tepid "Have you been saved" type of question. If you want to put yourself in a situation where no one will ask you awkward questions, well, that's a different post entirely, isn't it? :)
– Nathan Basanese
Nov 6 at 1:23

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12 Answers
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You address this by stating directly

"I would prefer not to discuss this topic during office hours. Can I help you with any questions you have on the homework?"

If the issue persists, I would speak with the professor and perhaps also your dean of students (or something similar).

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edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

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  Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
  – eykanal♦
  15 hours ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

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and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

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edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

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  I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:10
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:26
  

  
  
  
  


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  @DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:43
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:54
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
  – JMac
  Nov 5 at 21:13
  

  
  
  
  

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I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

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edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

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  This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
  – De Novo
  10 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

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Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

---

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

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edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

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  You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
  – einpoklum
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  @einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
  – Konrad Rudolph
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  @einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
  – user2768
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In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

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answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

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  For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
  – WoJ
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It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

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answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

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down vote

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

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answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

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  "It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
  – vsz
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


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  @vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
  – paul garrett
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  I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
  – Matthew Leingang
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

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up vote
5
down vote

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

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edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

add a comment | 

up vote
4
down vote

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

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  "I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
  – Chris
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
  – Andrei
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


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  This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
  – Dan Romik
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
1
down vote

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

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edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

add a comment | 

up vote
-2
down vote

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.

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answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

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  The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


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  As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


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  Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


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  nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

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up vote
139
down vote



accepted

You address this by stating directly

"I would prefer not to discuss this topic during office hours. Can I help you with any questions you have on the homework?"

If the issue persists, I would speak with the professor and perhaps also your dean of students (or something similar).

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

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  Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
  – eykanal♦
  15 hours ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
139
down vote



accepted

You address this by stating directly

"I would prefer not to discuss this topic during office hours. Can I help you with any questions you have on the homework?"

If the issue persists, I would speak with the professor and perhaps also your dean of students (or something similar).

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
  – eykanal♦
  15 hours ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
139
down vote



accepted

up vote
139
down vote



accepted

You address this by stating directly

"I would prefer not to discuss this topic during office hours. Can I help you with any questions you have on the homework?"

If the issue persists, I would speak with the professor and perhaps also your dean of students (or something similar).

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

You address this by stating directly

"I would prefer not to discuss this topic during office hours. Can I help you with any questions you have on the homework?"

If the issue persists, I would speak with the professor and perhaps also your dean of students (or something similar).

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

edited Nov 5 at 20:49

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

answered Nov 5 at 20:05

Vladhagen

7,30022955

7,30022955

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
  – eykanal♦
  15 hours ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
  – eykanal♦
  15 hours ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
– eykanal♦
15 hours ago

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. Please keep all comments civil... there were quite a few ad hominem attacks in this thread.
– eykanal♦
15 hours ago

add a comment | 

up vote
56
down vote

and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

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  I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:10
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:26
  

  
  
  
  


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  @DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:43
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:54
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
  – JMac
  Nov 5 at 21:13
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 11 more comments

up vote
56
down vote

and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

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  I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:10
  
  

  
  
  
  


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  10
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:26
  

  
  
  
  


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  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:43
  

  
  
  
  


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  @MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:54
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
  – JMac
  Nov 5 at 21:13
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 11 more comments

up vote
56
down vote

up vote
56
down vote

and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

and was visibly disappointed when I replied negatively

This is their problem, not yours.

How should I react to a question such as this?

If you feel uncomfortable defending your position when it comes to religion, politics or sex, or simply you don't want to discuss them with an extraneous person, recall that you don't have any obligation to: cut it short and answer that you're there to just answer questions about the subject you TA.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

edited Nov 5 at 20:35

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Massimo Ortolano

38k12112145

38k12112145

• 
  
  
  

  
  14
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:10
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  10
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:26
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:43
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  13
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:54
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
  – JMac
  Nov 5 at 21:13
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 11 more comments

• 
  
  
  

  
  14
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:10
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  10
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:26
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  5
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
  – Misha Lavrov
  Nov 5 at 20:43
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  13
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
  – Dan Romik
  Nov 5 at 20:54
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
  – JMac
  Nov 5 at 21:13
  

  
  
  
  

14

14

I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
– Misha Lavrov
Nov 5 at 20:10

I don't think this is stated strongly enough; even if you feel comfortable defending your position and want to discuss it, you likely have an obligation not to (at least during office hours or otherwise as part of your job).
– Misha Lavrov
Nov 5 at 20:10

10

10

@MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
– Dan Romik
Nov 5 at 20:26

@MishaLavrov I find your claim implausible. Can you name the law or policy that forbids an instructor from discussing their religious beliefs with a student when prompted by a question from the student?
– Dan Romik
Nov 5 at 20:26

5

5

@DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
– Misha Lavrov
Nov 5 at 20:43

@DanRomik I can't name a specific policy, but as an instructor I have had to take "ethics training" which mentioned that I'm not allowed to express political or religious views while on the job. My impression is that this applies even when prompted by a student.
– Misha Lavrov
Nov 5 at 20:43

13

13

@MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
– Dan Romik
Nov 5 at 20:54

@MishaLavrov ok, interesting. Well, since some people’s religions require them to express their religious beliefs through their outward appearance, clothes etc, I find it difficult to see how such a rule can be enforced without violating instructors’ religious freedom rights. But I agree it would be generally inadvisable for an instructor to discuss their religious beliefs with their students without being prompted to do so.
– Dan Romik
Nov 5 at 20:54

2

2

@MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
– JMac
Nov 5 at 21:13

@MishaLavrov I think even more importantly, even if you didn't have an obligation not to; it's generally just a whole mess of a situation that it isn't worth getting into in the first place. If the other person wasn't disappointed looking, it probably wouldn't be as risky; but it can still create a lot of tension for no good reason. Just one of those "you should probably avoid me in professional settings" topics.
– JMac
Nov 5 at 21:13

 | 
show 11 more comments

up vote
24
down vote

I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
  – De Novo
  10 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
24
down vote

I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
  – De Novo
  10 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
24
down vote

up vote
24
down vote

I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

I don't want to be put in a similar situation again.

If that is indeed your main motivation, the best thing to do is to politely refuse to discuss the topic with the student, as suggested in @Vladhagen’s answer.

More generally speaking, how do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

Although Vladhagen’s suggested approach seems the best suited to avoid confrontation and minimize the extent to which the student may get upset without lying to them, I think it’s worth examining your premise that telling students things that may upset them (particularly in the current context) is something that necessarily needs to be avoided. Consider the fact that for many students, college is the first place where they start encountering many people whose cultural backgrounds and beliefs differ significantly from their own. So, “making the student upset” by showing them that there are interesting, intelligent people out there with beliefs different from theirs may actually be doing them a big favor. You are not making them upset, you are helping them grow up.

Moreover, a truthful answer promotes the general value of truth-telling, which is always a good thing. So, unless you have reason to fear that the student genuinely “can’t handle the truth”, answering truthfully seems to me like the course of action that leads to the best outcome for society, although it is a bit more unpleasant for you personally.

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

edited Nov 5 at 22:18

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

answered Nov 5 at 20:41

Dan Romik

79.2k20172267

79.2k20172267

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
  – De Novo
  10 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
  – De Novo
  10 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

1

1

This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
– De Novo
10 hours ago

This is an excellent answer. I think, too often, we simply expect that young people should act professionally without helping to teach them about it. Professionalism is learned, and not just by example.
– De Novo
10 hours ago

add a comment | 

up vote
12
down vote

Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

---

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

share|improve this answer

edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
  – einpoklum
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  6
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
  – Konrad Rudolph
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
  – user2768
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
12
down vote

Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

---

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

share|improve this answer

edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
  – einpoklum
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  6
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
  – Konrad Rudolph
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
  – user2768
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
12
down vote

up vote
12
down vote

Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

---

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

share|improve this answer

edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

Make it clear that religion is not a topic for conversation. When raised, reply with:

My religious views are private.

That should end the conversation, but, if pushed, follow with:

This isn't a topic for conversation.

You needn't react, per se, you just need to dismiss the topic, and this response enables you to do so honestly.

---

^{As rightly noted by Buffy, "[t]here are countries...in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion". I have assumed the OP isn't in such a country, given the phrasing of their question.}

share|improve this answer

edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited 2 days ago

edited 2 days ago

edited 2 days ago

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

answered 2 days ago

user2768

9,13022542

9,13022542

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
  – einpoklum
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  6
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
  – Konrad Rudolph
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
  – user2768
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
  – einpoklum
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  6
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
  – Konrad Rudolph
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
  – user2768
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

2

2

You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
– einpoklum
2 days ago

You do realize that it is only under certain religious views that religion is private...
– einpoklum
2 days ago

6

6

@einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
– Konrad Rudolph
2 days ago

@einpoklum It’s less related to the religion and more to the individual (and things like social contracts … case in point, in most Western countries, it’s common etiquette to treat religion as a private matter).
– Konrad Rudolph
2 days ago

@einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
– user2768
2 days ago

@einpoklum That seems somewhat irrelevant. Nonetheless, as noted in the above comment, it does depend on the country.
– user2768
2 days ago

add a comment | 

up vote
11
down vote

In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
  – WoJ
  7 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
11
down vote

In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
  – WoJ
  7 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
11
down vote

up vote
11
down vote

In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

In the US, you have done just the right thing. Tell him the truth and leave it at that. You can't avoid such situations as they are set up by others.

Of course, you can say, and it is perfectly valid, that such questions are very personal to you and you don't feel that you want to discuss them. Reasonable people will accept that, and if they aren't reasonable, they have no right to proselytize. You don't need to be harsh ("None of your business"), but you have no obligation to answer.

There are countries, of course, that have State Sponsored Religion in which the only accepted (safe) answer is the State Religion, but not here.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

answered Nov 5 at 20:07

Buffy

27.5k686146

27.5k686146

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
  – WoJ
  7 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
  – WoJ
  7 hours ago
  

  
  
  
  

For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
– WoJ
7 hours ago

For completeness, you also have countries that have State Sponsored Religion (Sweden until 2000 for instance, or UK) in which people are neutral / do not particularly care about religion.
– WoJ
7 hours ago

add a comment | 

up vote
8
down vote

It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

add a comment | 

up vote
8
down vote

It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

add a comment | 

up vote
8
down vote

up vote
8
down vote

It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

It's simple:

"Sorry, I do not discuss my religious views with anyone, and am not interested in learning about other people's views. Thank you."

And it's the same if they approach me about politics.

I'm fairly blunt, assertive, and unequivocal: stay away from me in all matters of religion. I'm not interested in what anyone has to say.

People should know by now that discussing politics and religion with strangers or acquaintances is liable to get you an earful at best; but the chances you are going to sway someone one way or another - while at work - is slim to none. Such topics create bias and division in the workplace, and can bite you in the rear later on. Best to always avoid these subjects while at work, unless your work is directly related to religion. (Or politics).

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

answered 2 days ago

Wigwam

64126

64126

add a comment | 

add a comment | 

up vote
7
down vote

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

add a comment | 

up vote
7
down vote

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

add a comment | 

up vote
7
down vote

up vote
7
down vote

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

It is like a question about your political opinion or sexual preferences: It is your private matter!

If you want to tell the student, you can do so, but you'll have to face the discussions (which can be fruitful or stressful), but if you prefer not to share them (which many people will do in a professional context), tell the that this touches your private field and since this does not belong to the workplace, you do not want to answer this question.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

answered Nov 5 at 20:04

OBu

10.1k22547

10.1k22547

add a comment | 

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

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  21
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
  – vsz
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
  – paul garrett
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
  – Matthew Leingang
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

• 
  
  
  

  
  21
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
  – vsz
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
  – paul garrett
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
  – Matthew Leingang
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

up vote
5
down vote

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

Although other answers are basically reasonable, I think the answer to this and other questions about personal/inflammatory things is "don't engage"... but be polite.

E.g., say "We really shouldn't talk about this here. Here, we talk about math (or whatever)." This can also apply to pick-up lines, and harassment of other sorts. It is harassment. Thinking of it that way, the futility of giving some information and "reasoning with" the harasser becomes clearer.

In different words, although we should be "personal" as opposed to "stand-offish" with students, it is definitely a friendly-and-compassionate persona we take up... which does not even understand questions about religious or political affiliations, for example. :)

I know, easier said than done. But I do recommend aiming for that.

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

answered Nov 5 at 22:34

paul garrett

49.1k491203

49.1k491203

• 
  
  
  

  
  21
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
  – vsz
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
  – paul garrett
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
  – Matthew Leingang
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  21
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
  – vsz
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  @vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
  – paul garrett
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
  – Matthew Leingang
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  

21

21

"It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
– vsz
2 days ago

"It is harassment." No, it is not. Asking someone out, asking about their religion or political affiliation, or offering to talk about religion is not harassment. It would only be harassment if you insisted to continue even after they said no.
– vsz
2 days ago

2

2

@vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
– paul garrett
2 days ago

@vsz, actually, in the workplace in the U.S., especially if there is any sort of power differential (in either direction), the things you mention are considered "harassment" in policy documents. Anything that adds an unhelpful cognitive load is undesirable.
– paul garrett
2 days ago

1

1

I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
– Matthew Leingang
2 days ago

I agree with this advice. If you're going to throw up a stop sign, provide a detour to get the conversation back into safe and fruitful territory. You still want to have a good TA-student relationship here. A simple "Oh, let's not go there [smile]...do you you have any more [math] questions?" will give the student a graceful exit from this line of inquiry. Now if it continues, that's when you can say, "This isn't appropriate."
– Matthew Leingang
2 days ago

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

share|improve this answer

edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

share|improve this answer

edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

add a comment | 

up vote
5
down vote

up vote
5
down vote

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

share|improve this answer

edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

Religious proselytizers don't do you the courtesy of letting you avoid this conversation in the first place.

You don't have an obligation to extend them a courtesy they don't extend to you (that of avoiding an unwelcome turn in the conversation).

That is not to say that you should seek to be rude, but seeking to avoid offending someone who sets out to create a situation in which they will be offended if you don't give the answers they want is creating the problem -- don't take on responsibility for the situation they felt no compunction about creating.

I suggest you don't answer questions on personal topics, particularly on religion or politics or your personal relationships (or a number of other subjects).

I recommend simply cutting the conversational direction right at the beginning. Don't feel like you have to be overly gentle (it tends to be taken as encouragement) -- the inappropriate behavior was not yours. It's necessary to be firm and clear and leave no hint of wiggle-room for continuing the conversation in that direction. Something like this:

"I am here as a TA for your course. I am willing to discuss anything directly relevant to the course that falls within my responsibilities as a TA. It is not appropriate to expect to engage in discussion of personal topics."

If they choose find that offensive, that's not an issue you should need to be concerned about -- you can remain within the bounds of reasonable interactions but you cannot control how people will react. After that, as far as possible make sure that any interactions with the student take place with another person present.

share|improve this answer

edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited 21 hours ago

edited 21 hours ago

edited 21 hours ago

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

answered 21 hours ago

Glen_b

31115

31115

add a comment | 

add a comment | 

up vote
4
down vote

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
  – Chris
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
  – Andrei
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
  – Dan Romik
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
4
down vote

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
  – Chris
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
  – Andrei
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
  – Dan Romik
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

up vote
4
down vote

up vote
4
down vote

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

So the goal is to find a way to react, with the following requirements

1. to never be put in the same situation again


2. to not upset the student


3. to not lie


4. to not make the situation worse

Let's take them one by one and then combine the solutions to find the optimal one.

1. to never be put in the same situation again

I am afraid that you cannot control what people will say when they start talking with you. You can influence that by opening every discussion with something along the lines I don't speak about religious matters. In this way you will also get notoriety and perhaps some people will stop doing it. Still, it's not 100% effective. It might even have a boomerang effect, i.e. religious people to consider you're a lost soul needing guidance. Conclusion: No solution.

2. to not upset the student

What did exactly upset the student? From what you said, it's the fact that you told the student that you do not have the same religion. So, to NOT upset the student, just reverse the previous phrase, i.e. do not tell the student that you do not have the same religion. We can go with the analyses further and think what would happen if you would not say that, but instead reply with something along the lines I do not want to speak about religion. I think the likely outcome of that would be that the student would still get upset, but that's just my assumption, you may try it out and come back to this answer. Alternatively you can lie and tell the student that you do have the same religion. I bet that would not upset the student. Conclusion: lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion.

3. to not lie

If you don't want to lie to the student, you obviously have to be honest. The way you proceeded is the most honest way. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion.

4. to not make the situation worse

I don't know how you define worse, so I can't provide advice on that. Conclusion: No solution.

Let's put draw all conclusions and see how we can put them together:

1. Conclusion: No solution


2. Conclusion: Lie to the student and tell them that you have the same religion


3. Conclusion: Be honest and tell the student that you do not have the same religion


4. Conclusion: No solution

Solution 1, and 4 are incompatible with any other solution, so you either accept that there is no solution, or you change requirements 1 and 4. To go further, I'll assume you give up on these requirements, as I can't possibly know how you might want to change them.

Now we only have solutions 2 and 3. They are obviously incompatible. 2. says you should lie, 3 says that you should be honest, which are antonyms. You'll have to give up on one of the requirements 2 or 3.

In conclusion: You either pick 1 and 4 as a solution, or 2, or 3. One last alternative is to change the requirements all together, but that would just mean that you accepted 1 and 4, and you'd try to solve a different problem, wouldn't it?

Note 1: By this point I expect that some people will say that this answer is not helpful, as it doesn't give the OP a solution that matches all their requirements. To which I reply that you can't draw 7 red lines, 2 with red ink, 3 with green ink, and the rest with invisible ink, all perpendicular to each other.

Note 2: Some critics will say that my answer (lying and honesty are exclusive) is trivial. To which I reply that the question would not have existed if the solution would have been that trivial.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

answered 2 days ago

Andrei

62438

62438

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
  – Chris
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
  – Andrei
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
  – Dan Romik
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

add a comment | 

• 
  
  
  

  
  1
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  "I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
  – Chris
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
  – Andrei
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
  – Dan Romik
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

1

1

"I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
– Chris
2 days ago

"I don't wish to discuss that" seems to satisfy all four of your requirements /to me/. Perhaps it would be worth adding that into your discussion and how you think it weighs up against your requirements.
– Chris
2 days ago

They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
– Andrei
2 days ago

They're not my requirements. I merely structured and formalized the requirements mentioned by OP. Saying "I don't wish to discuss that", will not convince other people to approach OP. They wouldn't know that he doesn't wish to discuss that. It would also likely still upset the student. Answering a simple question like "do you have the same religion as I do?" with "I don't want to discuss about this" is changing the subject. Most people would classify that as being less than honest, even if not lying. I already mentioned all of the above in my answer.
– Andrei
2 days ago

This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
– Dan Romik
2 days ago

This answer is completely logical and correct, but also overly pedantic and formal, and ultimately (I suspect) not quite what OP would consider the most helpful. But you certainly crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s, and even foresaw possible criticism of your answer and tried to preempt it, which I think is quite nice. So, +1.
– Dan Romik
2 days ago

add a comment | 

up vote
1
down vote

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

share|improve this answer

edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

add a comment | 

up vote
1
down vote

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

share|improve this answer

edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

add a comment | 

up vote
1
down vote

up vote
1
down vote

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

share|improve this answer

edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

How do I react to a situation in which I have to answer a question in a way that I know is likely to upset a student, without lying or making the situation worse?

There is no such situation regarding religion! There is no obligation to provide any answer to a student's question. Professionals are entitled to their own personal beliefs, just like normal people, and they are entitled to refuse to answer personal questions. But please do this politely.

Suppose the question was personal, but of a different nature: one of the other topics "not to be discussed in polite company". Would you have reacted the same? ...or would you have felt more secure in responding, "I appreciate your interest, but I don't think it's necessary to get into my personal beliefs about [koans / the Prosperity Gospel / helminthic therapy / homeopathy / Interpretational Quantum Mechanics / Quakerism] during office hours."

And if you like the student, to add "maybe after the final we can get boba and talk about it some more."

share|improve this answer

edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

edited yesterday

edited yesterday

edited yesterday

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

answered 2 days ago

elliot svensson

1976

1976

add a comment | 

add a comment | 

up vote
-2
down vote

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  3
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 1 more comment

up vote
-2
down vote

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  3
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 1 more comment

up vote
-2
down vote

up vote
-2
down vote

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

Some religions make recruitment ('Spreading the Good News') a permanent obligation. This student seems to believe in his religion, and doubtless gains benefit from it. Maybe it even makes him a better person. Don't set Human Resources up against all this. No-one wins, everyone gets upset.

You deal with lots of people. You WILL be put in this situation again. People will also invite you to join pyramid selling schemes, book clubs and drinking parties. It's part of YOUR life skills to be able to deal with these politely, and without getting YOURSELF upset. Don't worry about his behaviour. Worry about your reaction.

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

share|improve this answer

share|improve this answer

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

answered 2 days ago

Laurence Payne

53925

53925

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  3
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

 | 
show 1 more comment

• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  3
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
  – Laurence Payne
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  2
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
  – osuka_
  2 days ago
  

  
  
  
  

2

2

The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
– osuka_
2 days ago

The question is how to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation that I don’t know how to reply to. Escalating didn’t even cross my mind; taking it up with someone else feels overkill here. But regardless of whether he has to do it or not, there’s a time and place to do it - the fact that someones religion says they have to do it doesn’t make the practice acceptable in all contexts.
– osuka_
2 days ago

As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
– Laurence Payne
2 days ago

As I said, you can't control being put in such positions. It's part of being a social human being. What you CAN control is whether it upsets you. Just shut down the subject in a friendly manner. Or, if you're feeling mischievous try 'Actually, I'm a witch. Wanna try it? There's a coven on Tuesday! (Actually, DON'T do this. You're a strong person who doesn't let such things upset you, he may not be.)
– Laurence Payne
2 days ago

3

3

you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
– osuka_
2 days ago

you can’t control being in this position, but you can control whether you know how to react to it or not (i.e., if you know what to do then you’re not in a situation where you don’t know what to do). Obviously I now know how to react to this example, but the answers to this question should apply somewhat more generally.
– osuka_
2 days ago

Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
– Laurence Payne
2 days ago

Are you falling into the trap of making a big deal out of it? The advice was NOT to!
– Laurence Payne
2 days ago

2

2

nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
– osuka_
2 days ago

nope. I meant react in a way that doesn’t make it a big deal or a worse situation than it is
– osuka_
2 days ago

 | 
show 1 more comment

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