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Question

A bit of a background, I am in my early 20's, I was in a relationship for 8 years, we have broke up on good terms, and I have never experienced "single life" so I don't have any experience in this kinda stuff.

During a night out, I went on a trip with a group of friends to a different city few weeks ago, I met a girl (let's call her Amy). We made out and talked for a good while, and got interested in each other similar interests. After that I walked her home and that was that. We still keep in touch on a daily basis.

I am traveling there this weekend with a group of friends again, Amy will be out as well, and I want to ask her to spend a night with me.

Question: How can I ask a girl to come back to a hotel without sounding creepy?

with "a hotel" do you mean finding a different hotel from where you're staying with your friends for some privacy? Or is this intended to be the hotel where you're currently staying? — Aug 10 at 13:34
This question needs a country/culture tag. Where are you from? Where is she from? Where is the city you're travelling to? Bearing in mind that what you suggest is literally illegal in some countries. — Aug 12 at 16:14
@Randal'Thor out of curiosity, what part of this is considered illegal in some countries (and which ones, if you know offhand)? — Aug 14 at 14:23
@LordFarquaad Randal is definitely right. Several countries (even some non-Muslim ones, such as in Southeast Asia) require a male and female couple to be married in order to share a hotel room. Of course, in North America or Europe, you're extremely unlikely to encounter such a law. — Aug 16 at 1:53

score 191 · Accepted Answer · 2018-08-13 15:36:16Z

Some people claim that, in this "politically correct" climate, it feels impossible to ask someone you are physically attracted to have sex without coming across as a weirdo -- but these people fail to understand a simple concept:

Consent isn't creepy

You should ask someone if they would like to become more intimate, especially once you've established that you are attracted to each other. There are any number of ways to pose the question, and no need for a "sophisticated" line:

Hey, I really like you. I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me?

Now, of course, you might feel nervous asking this of someone, but that's OK. It's perfectly normal to feel some anxiety in this situation, because it's something you want (probably a lot) and you risk rejection by putting it out there. Sometimes you just gotta go for it, though. The risk is worth the reward.

Side note: If she does say yes, then I recommend buying some condoms so you're prepared, but don't assume her consent to come back to your hotel means she wants to have sex. If she is at your hotel room, and things start heading in that direction, then it's definitely OK to get her clear consent that sex is what she wants.

Again, some people think all this talking and asking gets in the way, but I think you want your sexual partner to be fully engaged and enthusiastic. It makes things much more comfortable, playful, and ultimately enjoyable.

(Edit) To be clear: This is all about consent. Consent means that sometimes the person you ask might say "no", and, regardless of your personal feelings, you should accept their decision with good grace.

Just to add to this, the way to avoid creepy is to keep it light. I'd recommend getting the question out of the way relatively early on (after you have established a rapport/connection of course) so you don't spend the whole night stressing about it. Say "Hey, do you want to stay at my hotel tonight"? The intent of this is obvious but you've avoided directly mentioning sex and it gives her an easy out - if she says "Ah, I can't, because <reasons>", then she's politely declined your offer in a way that could be taken as "it's not convenient" rather than "I don't want to sleep with you". — Aug 16 at 12:11

TheRealLester 6,97642645 · Answer 2 · 2018-08-10 13:23:21Z

Hey, do you want to come back to my hotel room tonight?

Simple. You already made out with her. Unless she was very drunk and didn't remember or regrets the whole situation, I'm fairly sure she won't take this in a creepy way.

All you have to do before hand is figure out if she's still into you, by seeing how she reacts to conversation with you. If it's really awkward (she doesn't look at you, won't talk to you, etc.), then I wouldn't try anything. However, if she seems just as excited as the last time you talked to her, go for it.

score 47 · Answer 3 · 2018-08-13 06:14:36Z

On a more funny note, if the girl has a good sense of humour, you could ask her:

Ã¢Â€ÂœHey, how can I ask you if you want to come with me to the hotel without sounding creepy?Ã¢Â€Â

It may make you feel less nervous also.

The idea of a question phrased this way is that it leaves some room for interpretation while it doesnÃ¢Â€Â™t make you look shy and indecisive. If the girl already has a good impression on you, itÃ¢Â€Â™s likely she will appreciate that you respect her and donÃ¢Â€Â™t want to push her.

If she is yet undecided, the semi-joke question will leave room for an answer that is not yet final and can change later.

score 36 · Answer 4 · 2018-08-14 21:02:51Z

The polite way to do this is easy; ask her if she'd like to come back to your room for a cup of tea. This way, she can accept the invitation to spend more time with you in a private setting without committing to physical contact prior to spending a few minutes with you in private.

If she does accept, she knows what might or might not happen in your hotel room. It is up to you to be a gentleman when you get upstairs.

If she "isn't thirsty" or she "doesn't like tea" then you know you will need to wait until a future encounter.

Relevant Seinfeld episode

Edit: Comment requested a reason why this is a good idea. I feel like I covered all the reasons already, but I guess I need to be more explicit. Here's a list of reasons in gory detail.

This is a standard method that is used in North America; if you are in North America, there is a chance that your counterpart will be familiar with this. It is well known enough that it was featured in an episode of a popular sitcom, Seinfeld. See link above. I assume this would also work in Europe and even parts of Central / South America, but don't have personal experience with dating in these regions.

Asking somebody for tea of coffee is not offensive. On the other hand, there are many people - both men and women - who would be offended by a blunt question like "Do you want to have sex with me tonight?" There are many people (including myself) would find Andrew's answer above "I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me?" to be very blunt and just as offensive. Inviting someone for tea is not blunt; instead it is subtle, yet it can be a clearly understood by many what you are driving at.

Asking somebody up for tea delays, and accepting an invitation for tea, is absolutely not consenting to physical contact. It allows both parties to go to a private area and then assess how comfortable they are, and how secure they feel in each others company. If one person feels uncomfortable - they have a sociable recourse to simply request the tea which they were invited for, and when the tea is finished, a sociable recourse to initiate an exit. For example, it the OP invites Amy up to the room, then discovers that he has qualms about continuing to spend the night with her, can simply serve some tea and make conversation, then offer to call Amy a taxi to return home.

People in general do not enjoy rejecting others. A direct question like "Want to come up to my hotel room" requires a "yes" or "no" answer; and "no" is a clear rejections. Many people, after a fun evening, would dread to reject a new partner outright. It might even happen that someone who was not interested in starting physical contact might say "yes" just to avoid rejecting. On the other hand, with an invitation for tea, saying "Not liking tea," or "not being thirsty" is far less rejection-y, and more just a statement of opinion that allows both parties a graceful exit.

I don't date anymore, but in 2 decades of dating, many times I was "invited back for a bite to eat" or "for another beer" or "some tea to settle me down". I attest from personal experience, and from the experience of my friends, that this was indeed the norm. Asking, or being asked, bluntly to go to another person's domicile early in the relationship would, in my personal experience, be a turn off.

Edit 2:

A comment by @William Grobman that adds to my answer:

I would bold the comment that you still need to find out if she's interested in getting physical after getting her upstairs. I agree it can come off as robotic and blunt to just invite her up to have sex and that a slower seduction that allows her to gracefully exit without outright rejecting you is best. Just make sure you don't try to ask her up for tea and then just take liberties with her now that you're in private. Still be extremely respectful of her bodily autonomy.

I'd add to this that consent can be withdrawn by any party at any time. While this should be common knowledge and isn't really part of the answer to the question, it's a good idea to restate it anyways.

Stilez 1,649210 · Answer 5 · 2018-08-10 16:13:17Z

Ask her, and be clear all options are ok with you, by explicitly stating a range of options as being okay, and trying to anticipate and support wherever she may be at.

For example:

"I'm really enjoying your company, its a shame we don't get so much time together."

"I'd like to ask, do you want to spend the night at my hotel? I don't know if that's too pushy or it's okay to ask, but if I don't ask, I won't find out.

And yes, saying no is okay, and I'll respect it, and if it's yes I won't assume anything.

I just want to say I really like your company and want to find out if you'd be okay with getting closer, or if that's not something you want."

In my experience, although a bit wordy, this kind of approach works really well and people really "get" where you're at and appreciate it, because it's clear that you are trying to respect and ask, not subtly push.

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. — Aug 11 at 1:35

William Grobman 2508 · Answer 6 · 2018-08-14 20:53:00Z

I think it matters whether you share a culture or are familiar with her culture vs. not knowing how these matters are handled there.

When traveling, I've usually just asked after dinner or a drink if she'd like to come join me in my room. I wasn't sure which euphemisms were popular there and didn't want them to feel misled. While this has come off a little blunt and surprised some women in more conservative countries, they seemed to just chalk it up to cultural differences and appreciate the honesty and low pressure.

If you know the culture, a euphemism like what @axsvl77's suggests is definitely more tactful and allows her to reject you without making you lose face, which is easier for her. I use this method at home or when I really know the local culture.

score 191 · Accepted Answer · 2018-08-13 15:36:16Z

Some people claim that, in this "politically correct" climate, it feels impossible to ask someone you are physically attracted to have sex without coming across as a weirdo -- but these people fail to understand a simple concept:

Consent isn't creepy

You should ask someone if they would like to become more intimate, especially once you've established that you are attracted to each other. There are any number of ways to pose the question, and no need for a "sophisticated" line:

Hey, I really like you. I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me?

Now, of course, you might feel nervous asking this of someone, but that's OK. It's perfectly normal to feel some anxiety in this situation, because it's something you want (probably a lot) and you risk rejection by putting it out there. Sometimes you just gotta go for it, though. The risk is worth the reward.

Side note: If she does say yes, then I recommend buying some condoms so you're prepared, but don't assume her consent to come back to your hotel means she wants to have sex. If she is at your hotel room, and things start heading in that direction, then it's definitely OK to get her clear consent that sex is what she wants.

Again, some people think all this talking and asking gets in the way, but I think you want your sexual partner to be fully engaged and enthusiastic. It makes things much more comfortable, playful, and ultimately enjoyable.

(Edit) To be clear: This is all about consent. Consent means that sometimes the person you ask might say "no", and, regardless of your personal feelings, you should accept their decision with good grace.

Just to add to this, the way to avoid creepy is to keep it light. I'd recommend getting the question out of the way relatively early on (after you have established a rapport/connection of course) so you don't spend the whole night stressing about it. Say "Hey, do you want to stay at my hotel tonight"? The intent of this is obvious but you've avoided directly mentioning sex and it gives her an easy out - if she says "Ah, I can't, because <reasons>", then she's politely declined your offer in a way that could be taken as "it's not convenient" rather than "I don't want to sleep with you". — Aug 16 at 12:11

TheRealLester 6,97642645 · Answer 8 · 2018-08-10 13:23:21Z

Hey, do you want to come back to my hotel room tonight?

Simple. You already made out with her. Unless she was very drunk and didn't remember or regrets the whole situation, I'm fairly sure she won't take this in a creepy way.

All you have to do before hand is figure out if she's still into you, by seeing how she reacts to conversation with you. If it's really awkward (she doesn't look at you, won't talk to you, etc.), then I wouldn't try anything. However, if she seems just as excited as the last time you talked to her, go for it.

score 47 · Answer 9 · 2018-08-13 06:14:36Z

On a more funny note, if the girl has a good sense of humour, you could ask her:

Ã¢Â€ÂœHey, how can I ask you if you want to come with me to the hotel without sounding creepy?Ã¢Â€Â

It may make you feel less nervous also.

The idea of a question phrased this way is that it leaves some room for interpretation while it doesnÃ¢Â€Â™t make you look shy and indecisive. If the girl already has a good impression on you, itÃ¢Â€Â™s likely she will appreciate that you respect her and donÃ¢Â€Â™t want to push her.

If she is yet undecided, the semi-joke question will leave room for an answer that is not yet final and can change later.

score 36 · Answer 10 · 2018-08-14 21:02:51Z

The polite way to do this is easy; ask her if she'd like to come back to your room for a cup of tea. This way, she can accept the invitation to spend more time with you in a private setting without committing to physical contact prior to spending a few minutes with you in private.

If she does accept, she knows what might or might not happen in your hotel room. It is up to you to be a gentleman when you get upstairs.

If she "isn't thirsty" or she "doesn't like tea" then you know you will need to wait until a future encounter.

Relevant Seinfeld episode

Edit: Comment requested a reason why this is a good idea. I feel like I covered all the reasons already, but I guess I need to be more explicit. Here's a list of reasons in gory detail.

This is a standard method that is used in North America; if you are in North America, there is a chance that your counterpart will be familiar with this. It is well known enough that it was featured in an episode of a popular sitcom, Seinfeld. See link above. I assume this would also work in Europe and even parts of Central / South America, but don't have personal experience with dating in these regions.

Asking somebody for tea of coffee is not offensive. On the other hand, there are many people - both men and women - who would be offended by a blunt question like "Do you want to have sex with me tonight?" There are many people (including myself) would find Andrew's answer above "I'm staying at a hotel nearby, do you want to come and spend the night with me?" to be very blunt and just as offensive. Inviting someone for tea is not blunt; instead it is subtle, yet it can be a clearly understood by many what you are driving at.

Asking somebody up for tea delays, and accepting an invitation for tea, is absolutely not consenting to physical contact. It allows both parties to go to a private area and then assess how comfortable they are, and how secure they feel in each others company. If one person feels uncomfortable - they have a sociable recourse to simply request the tea which they were invited for, and when the tea is finished, a sociable recourse to initiate an exit. For example, it the OP invites Amy up to the room, then discovers that he has qualms about continuing to spend the night with her, can simply serve some tea and make conversation, then offer to call Amy a taxi to return home.

People in general do not enjoy rejecting others. A direct question like "Want to come up to my hotel room" requires a "yes" or "no" answer; and "no" is a clear rejections. Many people, after a fun evening, would dread to reject a new partner outright. It might even happen that someone who was not interested in starting physical contact might say "yes" just to avoid rejecting. On the other hand, with an invitation for tea, saying "Not liking tea," or "not being thirsty" is far less rejection-y, and more just a statement of opinion that allows both parties a graceful exit.

I don't date anymore, but in 2 decades of dating, many times I was "invited back for a bite to eat" or "for another beer" or "some tea to settle me down". I attest from personal experience, and from the experience of my friends, that this was indeed the norm. Asking, or being asked, bluntly to go to another person's domicile early in the relationship would, in my personal experience, be a turn off.

Edit 2:

A comment by @William Grobman that adds to my answer:

I would bold the comment that you still need to find out if she's interested in getting physical after getting her upstairs. I agree it can come off as robotic and blunt to just invite her up to have sex and that a slower seduction that allows her to gracefully exit without outright rejecting you is best. Just make sure you don't try to ask her up for tea and then just take liberties with her now that you're in private. Still be extremely respectful of her bodily autonomy.

I'd add to this that consent can be withdrawn by any party at any time. While this should be common knowledge and isn't really part of the answer to the question, it's a good idea to restate it anyways.

Stilez 1,649210 · Answer 11 · 2018-08-10 16:13:17Z

Ask her, and be clear all options are ok with you, by explicitly stating a range of options as being okay, and trying to anticipate and support wherever she may be at.

For example:

"I'm really enjoying your company, its a shame we don't get so much time together."

"I'd like to ask, do you want to spend the night at my hotel? I don't know if that's too pushy or it's okay to ask, but if I don't ask, I won't find out.

And yes, saying no is okay, and I'll respect it, and if it's yes I won't assume anything.

I just want to say I really like your company and want to find out if you'd be okay with getting closer, or if that's not something you want."

In my experience, although a bit wordy, this kind of approach works really well and people really "get" where you're at and appreciate it, because it's clear that you are trying to respect and ask, not subtly push.

Comments are not for extended discussion; this conversation has been moved to chat. — Aug 11 at 1:35

William Grobman 2508 · Answer 12 · 2018-08-14 20:53:00Z

I think it matters whether you share a culture or are familiar with her culture vs. not knowing how these matters are handled there.

When traveling, I've usually just asked after dinner or a drink if she'd like to come join me in my room. I wasn't sure which euphemisms were popular there and didn't want them to feel misled. While this has come off a little blunt and surprised some women in more conservative countries, they seemed to just chalk it up to cultural differences and appreciate the honesty and low pressure.

If you know the culture, a euphemism like what @axsvl77's suggests is definitely more tactful and allows her to reject you without making you lose face, which is easier for her. I use this method at home or when I really know the local culture.

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