What to do when you change your mind about writing a reference?

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Inspired by this question:
Does these entries in a reference letter make it no longer neutral?



If a manager agreed to write a reference letter for an employee, then on attempting to write it realized that they cannot honestly write an endorsement of this person; how should they best handle it?



It seems to me being dishonest in the letter, writing a letter that doesn't endorse them (neutral), or backing out are all poor options. The best option would be to prevent this situation in the first place but how would a manager best recover from badly agreeing to write a reference?







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  • 1




    Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
    – Brandin
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:18






  • 1




    @Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:25
















up vote
2
down vote

favorite












Inspired by this question:
Does these entries in a reference letter make it no longer neutral?



If a manager agreed to write a reference letter for an employee, then on attempting to write it realized that they cannot honestly write an endorsement of this person; how should they best handle it?



It seems to me being dishonest in the letter, writing a letter that doesn't endorse them (neutral), or backing out are all poor options. The best option would be to prevent this situation in the first place but how would a manager best recover from badly agreeing to write a reference?







share|improve this question

















  • 1




    Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
    – Brandin
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:18






  • 1




    @Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:25












up vote
2
down vote

favorite









up vote
2
down vote

favorite











Inspired by this question:
Does these entries in a reference letter make it no longer neutral?



If a manager agreed to write a reference letter for an employee, then on attempting to write it realized that they cannot honestly write an endorsement of this person; how should they best handle it?



It seems to me being dishonest in the letter, writing a letter that doesn't endorse them (neutral), or backing out are all poor options. The best option would be to prevent this situation in the first place but how would a manager best recover from badly agreeing to write a reference?







share|improve this question













Inspired by this question:
Does these entries in a reference letter make it no longer neutral?



If a manager agreed to write a reference letter for an employee, then on attempting to write it realized that they cannot honestly write an endorsement of this person; how should they best handle it?



It seems to me being dishonest in the letter, writing a letter that doesn't endorse them (neutral), or backing out are all poor options. The best option would be to prevent this situation in the first place but how would a manager best recover from badly agreeing to write a reference?









share|improve this question












share|improve this question




share|improve this question








edited Apr 13 '17 at 12:48









Community♦

1




1









asked Jun 23 '16 at 16:10









Myles

25.4k658104




25.4k658104







  • 1




    Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
    – Brandin
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:18






  • 1




    @Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:25












  • 1




    Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
    – Brandin
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:18






  • 1




    @Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 16:25







1




1




Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
– Brandin
Jun 23 '16 at 16:18




Why does it have to be an enthusiastic letter? Maybe a neutral letter is fine for the asking ex-employee.
– Brandin
Jun 23 '16 at 16:18




1




1




@Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
– Myles
Jun 23 '16 at 16:25




@Brandin Edited to clarify. I know I'd be choked if a manager agreed to write a reference letter for me but it didn't contain any endorsement. Maybe that's a regional thing but in Canada a reference letter that doesn't contain endorsement is of little to no value.
– Myles
Jun 23 '16 at 16:25










2 Answers
2






active

oldest

votes

















up vote
5
down vote



accepted










At some point after first becoming a manager, my boss explained the art of giving references. As a reference giver, you should almost never be negative.



If the employee was awesome, be glowing in your reference. If the employee was good, be very positive. If the employee was ok, be slightly positive. If the employee was bad, be totally neutral:



"EMPLOYEE worked here. EMPLOYEE worked on XYZ project. EMPLOYEE has experience in UVW areas."



A neutral reference is an AWFUL reference.



Before you give a reference, you need to understand that. If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. If you couldn't realize you wouldn't be able to give at least a slightly positive reference, then you are probably pretty bad at your job. (a huge part of any manager's job is evaluating performance. You should have at least some idea of how you feel about the performance of everyone on your team. When someone turns in notice, you need to know immediately if you want to fight for them, accept it gracefully, or breathe a sigh of relief. [those three reactions also dictate the kind of reference you'd give them])



Edit to further answer the original intent of the question:



If you do realize after the fact that you can't give a good reference, be honest. Again, if you're a good manager, your employee should know where they stand in your eyes. If you don't have anything good to say about them, you've probably given them plenty of constructive feedback, poor performance reviews, etc. They made a mistake by asking you in the first place (likely added to a long list of prior mistakes).



A response to the requester might be something like: "Based on your performance history, I cannot give you a positive reference. The best I can offer is a neutral reference, but be forewarned, your potential employer will see that as a red flag."



Another thought. If you haven't given this employee the proper feedback, now is not the time. You failed earlier in the process. If they still worked for you, you should rectify and start giving honest feedback, however, if you ambush them now, you're just going to be seen as a jerk holding a grudge against them for leaving.






share|improve this answer



















  • 1




    If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:06






  • 1




    Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:07


















up vote
0
down vote













If you didn't do it from the onset, you should always tell someone requesting a reference that you are going to be objective and they should consider whether or not they still want you to write it.



Not sure how you want to handle any discrepancy between what they think your opinion of them is and what it really is.



Some people may feel that they will only say positive things and if they're not sufficient to show the person is a strong candidate, it is up to the person doing the hiring to decide by inferring what is lacking. If you feel this is a dishonest way of going about it, then don't write it. It's your reputation.






share|improve this answer





















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    2 Answers
    2






    active

    oldest

    votes








    2 Answers
    2






    active

    oldest

    votes









    active

    oldest

    votes






    active

    oldest

    votes








    up vote
    5
    down vote



    accepted










    At some point after first becoming a manager, my boss explained the art of giving references. As a reference giver, you should almost never be negative.



    If the employee was awesome, be glowing in your reference. If the employee was good, be very positive. If the employee was ok, be slightly positive. If the employee was bad, be totally neutral:



    "EMPLOYEE worked here. EMPLOYEE worked on XYZ project. EMPLOYEE has experience in UVW areas."



    A neutral reference is an AWFUL reference.



    Before you give a reference, you need to understand that. If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. If you couldn't realize you wouldn't be able to give at least a slightly positive reference, then you are probably pretty bad at your job. (a huge part of any manager's job is evaluating performance. You should have at least some idea of how you feel about the performance of everyone on your team. When someone turns in notice, you need to know immediately if you want to fight for them, accept it gracefully, or breathe a sigh of relief. [those three reactions also dictate the kind of reference you'd give them])



    Edit to further answer the original intent of the question:



    If you do realize after the fact that you can't give a good reference, be honest. Again, if you're a good manager, your employee should know where they stand in your eyes. If you don't have anything good to say about them, you've probably given them plenty of constructive feedback, poor performance reviews, etc. They made a mistake by asking you in the first place (likely added to a long list of prior mistakes).



    A response to the requester might be something like: "Based on your performance history, I cannot give you a positive reference. The best I can offer is a neutral reference, but be forewarned, your potential employer will see that as a red flag."



    Another thought. If you haven't given this employee the proper feedback, now is not the time. You failed earlier in the process. If they still worked for you, you should rectify and start giving honest feedback, however, if you ambush them now, you're just going to be seen as a jerk holding a grudge against them for leaving.






    share|improve this answer



















    • 1




      If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:06






    • 1




      Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:07















    up vote
    5
    down vote



    accepted










    At some point after first becoming a manager, my boss explained the art of giving references. As a reference giver, you should almost never be negative.



    If the employee was awesome, be glowing in your reference. If the employee was good, be very positive. If the employee was ok, be slightly positive. If the employee was bad, be totally neutral:



    "EMPLOYEE worked here. EMPLOYEE worked on XYZ project. EMPLOYEE has experience in UVW areas."



    A neutral reference is an AWFUL reference.



    Before you give a reference, you need to understand that. If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. If you couldn't realize you wouldn't be able to give at least a slightly positive reference, then you are probably pretty bad at your job. (a huge part of any manager's job is evaluating performance. You should have at least some idea of how you feel about the performance of everyone on your team. When someone turns in notice, you need to know immediately if you want to fight for them, accept it gracefully, or breathe a sigh of relief. [those three reactions also dictate the kind of reference you'd give them])



    Edit to further answer the original intent of the question:



    If you do realize after the fact that you can't give a good reference, be honest. Again, if you're a good manager, your employee should know where they stand in your eyes. If you don't have anything good to say about them, you've probably given them plenty of constructive feedback, poor performance reviews, etc. They made a mistake by asking you in the first place (likely added to a long list of prior mistakes).



    A response to the requester might be something like: "Based on your performance history, I cannot give you a positive reference. The best I can offer is a neutral reference, but be forewarned, your potential employer will see that as a red flag."



    Another thought. If you haven't given this employee the proper feedback, now is not the time. You failed earlier in the process. If they still worked for you, you should rectify and start giving honest feedback, however, if you ambush them now, you're just going to be seen as a jerk holding a grudge against them for leaving.






    share|improve this answer



















    • 1




      If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:06






    • 1




      Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:07













    up vote
    5
    down vote



    accepted







    up vote
    5
    down vote



    accepted






    At some point after first becoming a manager, my boss explained the art of giving references. As a reference giver, you should almost never be negative.



    If the employee was awesome, be glowing in your reference. If the employee was good, be very positive. If the employee was ok, be slightly positive. If the employee was bad, be totally neutral:



    "EMPLOYEE worked here. EMPLOYEE worked on XYZ project. EMPLOYEE has experience in UVW areas."



    A neutral reference is an AWFUL reference.



    Before you give a reference, you need to understand that. If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. If you couldn't realize you wouldn't be able to give at least a slightly positive reference, then you are probably pretty bad at your job. (a huge part of any manager's job is evaluating performance. You should have at least some idea of how you feel about the performance of everyone on your team. When someone turns in notice, you need to know immediately if you want to fight for them, accept it gracefully, or breathe a sigh of relief. [those three reactions also dictate the kind of reference you'd give them])



    Edit to further answer the original intent of the question:



    If you do realize after the fact that you can't give a good reference, be honest. Again, if you're a good manager, your employee should know where they stand in your eyes. If you don't have anything good to say about them, you've probably given them plenty of constructive feedback, poor performance reviews, etc. They made a mistake by asking you in the first place (likely added to a long list of prior mistakes).



    A response to the requester might be something like: "Based on your performance history, I cannot give you a positive reference. The best I can offer is a neutral reference, but be forewarned, your potential employer will see that as a red flag."



    Another thought. If you haven't given this employee the proper feedback, now is not the time. You failed earlier in the process. If they still worked for you, you should rectify and start giving honest feedback, however, if you ambush them now, you're just going to be seen as a jerk holding a grudge against them for leaving.






    share|improve this answer















    At some point after first becoming a manager, my boss explained the art of giving references. As a reference giver, you should almost never be negative.



    If the employee was awesome, be glowing in your reference. If the employee was good, be very positive. If the employee was ok, be slightly positive. If the employee was bad, be totally neutral:



    "EMPLOYEE worked here. EMPLOYEE worked on XYZ project. EMPLOYEE has experience in UVW areas."



    A neutral reference is an AWFUL reference.



    Before you give a reference, you need to understand that. If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. If you couldn't realize you wouldn't be able to give at least a slightly positive reference, then you are probably pretty bad at your job. (a huge part of any manager's job is evaluating performance. You should have at least some idea of how you feel about the performance of everyone on your team. When someone turns in notice, you need to know immediately if you want to fight for them, accept it gracefully, or breathe a sigh of relief. [those three reactions also dictate the kind of reference you'd give them])



    Edit to further answer the original intent of the question:



    If you do realize after the fact that you can't give a good reference, be honest. Again, if you're a good manager, your employee should know where they stand in your eyes. If you don't have anything good to say about them, you've probably given them plenty of constructive feedback, poor performance reviews, etc. They made a mistake by asking you in the first place (likely added to a long list of prior mistakes).



    A response to the requester might be something like: "Based on your performance history, I cannot give you a positive reference. The best I can offer is a neutral reference, but be forewarned, your potential employer will see that as a red flag."



    Another thought. If you haven't given this employee the proper feedback, now is not the time. You failed earlier in the process. If they still worked for you, you should rectify and start giving honest feedback, however, if you ambush them now, you're just going to be seen as a jerk holding a grudge against them for leaving.







    share|improve this answer















    share|improve this answer



    share|improve this answer








    edited Jun 23 '16 at 17:46


























    answered Jun 23 '16 at 16:50









    Chris G

    10.8k22549




    10.8k22549







    • 1




      If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:06






    • 1




      Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:07













    • 1




      If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:06






    • 1




      Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
      – Myles
      Jun 23 '16 at 17:07








    1




    1




    If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:06




    If you can't give more than a neutral reference, you probably shouldn't have agreed. ...and how do you handle it if you realize after the fact that you probably shouldn't have agreed? Imagine getting so giddy with glee at of the prospect of them being gone that you agree when you shouldn't have.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:06




    1




    1




    Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:07





    Great first answer BTW! I have upvoted it, just looking for a more complete assessment.
    – Myles
    Jun 23 '16 at 17:07













    up vote
    0
    down vote













    If you didn't do it from the onset, you should always tell someone requesting a reference that you are going to be objective and they should consider whether or not they still want you to write it.



    Not sure how you want to handle any discrepancy between what they think your opinion of them is and what it really is.



    Some people may feel that they will only say positive things and if they're not sufficient to show the person is a strong candidate, it is up to the person doing the hiring to decide by inferring what is lacking. If you feel this is a dishonest way of going about it, then don't write it. It's your reputation.






    share|improve this answer

























      up vote
      0
      down vote













      If you didn't do it from the onset, you should always tell someone requesting a reference that you are going to be objective and they should consider whether or not they still want you to write it.



      Not sure how you want to handle any discrepancy between what they think your opinion of them is and what it really is.



      Some people may feel that they will only say positive things and if they're not sufficient to show the person is a strong candidate, it is up to the person doing the hiring to decide by inferring what is lacking. If you feel this is a dishonest way of going about it, then don't write it. It's your reputation.






      share|improve this answer























        up vote
        0
        down vote










        up vote
        0
        down vote









        If you didn't do it from the onset, you should always tell someone requesting a reference that you are going to be objective and they should consider whether or not they still want you to write it.



        Not sure how you want to handle any discrepancy between what they think your opinion of them is and what it really is.



        Some people may feel that they will only say positive things and if they're not sufficient to show the person is a strong candidate, it is up to the person doing the hiring to decide by inferring what is lacking. If you feel this is a dishonest way of going about it, then don't write it. It's your reputation.






        share|improve this answer













        If you didn't do it from the onset, you should always tell someone requesting a reference that you are going to be objective and they should consider whether or not they still want you to write it.



        Not sure how you want to handle any discrepancy between what they think your opinion of them is and what it really is.



        Some people may feel that they will only say positive things and if they're not sufficient to show the person is a strong candidate, it is up to the person doing the hiring to decide by inferring what is lacking. If you feel this is a dishonest way of going about it, then don't write it. It's your reputation.







        share|improve this answer













        share|improve this answer



        share|improve this answer











        answered Jun 23 '16 at 19:26







        user8365





























             

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