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How to make girlfriend feel better about health and body
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For context, myself and my girlfriend have been dating for about a year now, and we're really close, especially when it comes to talking things over. We would both describe ourselves as nerds, and would never normally really care too much about how other people judge us.
So...
Fairly soon after we'd started dating, she revealed to me that she often didn't feel brilliant about her body image. I responded by repeatedly telling her how gorgeous I find her, which, after a bit of time, appeared to clear things up pretty well. However, this has recently reared its head again, and I would really like a way of finding a cure for this, rather than a bandage for it.
Even without being totally biassed as her boyfriend, she is nowhere near overweight (she's slim, and is a regular, if casual, runner), but I can't seem to get her to believe that or understand it. Things did develop a little bit recently, when she, whilst we were discussing this, having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough - which was why my attempts at reassuring her as to how beautiful she is has reduce in its efficacy.
The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.
Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.
relationships family how-to-help approach
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
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DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
add a comment |Â
up vote
5
down vote
favorite
For context, myself and my girlfriend have been dating for about a year now, and we're really close, especially when it comes to talking things over. We would both describe ourselves as nerds, and would never normally really care too much about how other people judge us.
So...
Fairly soon after we'd started dating, she revealed to me that she often didn't feel brilliant about her body image. I responded by repeatedly telling her how gorgeous I find her, which, after a bit of time, appeared to clear things up pretty well. However, this has recently reared its head again, and I would really like a way of finding a cure for this, rather than a bandage for it.
Even without being totally biassed as her boyfriend, she is nowhere near overweight (she's slim, and is a regular, if casual, runner), but I can't seem to get her to believe that or understand it. Things did develop a little bit recently, when she, whilst we were discussing this, having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough - which was why my attempts at reassuring her as to how beautiful she is has reduce in its efficacy.
The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.
Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.
relationships family how-to-help approach
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
5
down vote
favorite
up vote
5
down vote
favorite
For context, myself and my girlfriend have been dating for about a year now, and we're really close, especially when it comes to talking things over. We would both describe ourselves as nerds, and would never normally really care too much about how other people judge us.
So...
Fairly soon after we'd started dating, she revealed to me that she often didn't feel brilliant about her body image. I responded by repeatedly telling her how gorgeous I find her, which, after a bit of time, appeared to clear things up pretty well. However, this has recently reared its head again, and I would really like a way of finding a cure for this, rather than a bandage for it.
Even without being totally biassed as her boyfriend, she is nowhere near overweight (she's slim, and is a regular, if casual, runner), but I can't seem to get her to believe that or understand it. Things did develop a little bit recently, when she, whilst we were discussing this, having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough - which was why my attempts at reassuring her as to how beautiful she is has reduce in its efficacy.
The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.
Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.
relationships family how-to-help approach
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
For context, myself and my girlfriend have been dating for about a year now, and we're really close, especially when it comes to talking things over. We would both describe ourselves as nerds, and would never normally really care too much about how other people judge us.
So...
Fairly soon after we'd started dating, she revealed to me that she often didn't feel brilliant about her body image. I responded by repeatedly telling her how gorgeous I find her, which, after a bit of time, appeared to clear things up pretty well. However, this has recently reared its head again, and I would really like a way of finding a cure for this, rather than a bandage for it.
Even without being totally biassed as her boyfriend, she is nowhere near overweight (she's slim, and is a regular, if casual, runner), but I can't seem to get her to believe that or understand it. Things did develop a little bit recently, when she, whilst we were discussing this, having thought about it for a bit, thought that it might come down to her being worried about not being healthy enough - which was why my attempts at reassuring her as to how beautiful she is has reduce in its efficacy.
The other factor in this is that family members have, in the past, not helped her in her body image (or just in general about her appearance - telling her that I won't like her if she doesn't put makeup on before dates with me - although I have convinced her that it's entirely the opposite, I'd be more offended if she did!) - for instance in describing her, in relation to her even thinner sister, as 'the stocky one' in the family. One family member in particular has hypochondria, especially about obesity, which has led her to the opinion that almost all of the country is obese.
Basically, how can I make my girlfriend feel better about herself? I am slightly worried that, because she can be extremely determined, this might end up reaching the point of anorexia if she puts her mind to it, or, that if I convince her not to do anything, that she might end up feeling worse about herself.
relationships family how-to-help approach
relationships family how-to-help approach
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
asked 4 hours ago
DaveThePerson
262
262
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
DaveThePerson is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago
Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago
Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
up vote
1
down vote
I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.
There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to suggest she gets some professional help. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.
What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.
Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat
You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.
Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.
Also, you might want to read into body dysmorphia. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.
Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.
My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.
Language
It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time).
I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying "I'm stupid." a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)
The Social Environment
As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's "fat". The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her.
What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one?
Emotions are Infectious
Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like "You're the sexiest woman alive." and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front.
You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence?
Provocative Style (Advanced)
This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say "No you're wrong, life really sucks." when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules
- Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)
- Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)
- Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)
- Don't be ironic with your tone
Let me give you an example:
Other person: "My life sucks."
Me: "Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them."
Other person: "What?"
Me: "I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer."
Other: "I'm not like that..."
You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.
I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
add a comment |Â
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
2 Answers
2
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
up vote
1
down vote
I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.
There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to suggest she gets some professional help. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.
What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.
Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat
You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.
Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.
Also, you might want to read into body dysmorphia. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.
Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.
There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to suggest she gets some professional help. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.
What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.
Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat
You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.
Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.
Also, you might want to read into body dysmorphia. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.
Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
1
down vote
up vote
1
down vote
I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.
There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to suggest she gets some professional help. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.
What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.
Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat
You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.
Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.
Also, you might want to read into body dysmorphia. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.
Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
I am (or at least used to be) in the same situation as your girlfriend. My mother kept telling me I need to watch my weight for the past few years. I grew up with an older brother repeating how ugly I am every chance he got. I dropped almost 10 kilos in the past year and gained a lot of muscle, but still feel ugly and fat. It just happens less often than it used to.
There is actually not much you can do to help her with that. You might want to suggest she gets some professional help. She seems to have unresolved issues with her appearence that a professional therapist could work on with her.
What you can do is give her support. Try to acknowledge the way she sees herself, instead of reponding to her by saying she is gorgeous. You can try to make her question herself if you want, but it would probably be better to not negate the experience she is having. For example, you could direct her attention to something else.
Her: Look at my belly, it's so full of fat
You: I am sorry you feel that way about it. I personally find it very cute. Actually, as much as your gorgeous shoulders.
Try to use some feature she is not insecure about when you point her attention to some other part of her body.
Also, you might want to read into body dysmorphia. Not saying she has that, but it might be a possibility, and reading about can give both of you pointers on the matter and on seeking external help.
Good luck on that journey and thank you for caring about her and wanting to help her.
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
edited 24 mins ago
doppelgreener
254311
254311
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
answered 3 hours ago
Rose
32916
32916
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
2
2
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
Thank you, I'll take a look at that, but I'm not certain that therapy would help - it might just turn something which she doesn't see as too scary into a really terrifying thing (that's something that her parents often do which just makes various academic things worse). But other than that, they sound like great ideas, thanks!!! And especially thanks for the link!
– DaveThePerson
2 hours ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.
My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.
Language
It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time).
I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying "I'm stupid." a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)
The Social Environment
As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's "fat". The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her.
What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one?
Emotions are Infectious
Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like "You're the sexiest woman alive." and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front.
You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence?
Provocative Style (Advanced)
This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say "No you're wrong, life really sucks." when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules
- Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)
- Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)
- Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)
- Don't be ironic with your tone
Let me give you an example:
Other person: "My life sucks."
Me: "Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them."
Other person: "What?"
Me: "I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer."
Other: "I'm not like that..."
You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.
I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.
My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.
Language
It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time).
I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying "I'm stupid." a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)
The Social Environment
As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's "fat". The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her.
What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one?
Emotions are Infectious
Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like "You're the sexiest woman alive." and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front.
You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence?
Provocative Style (Advanced)
This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say "No you're wrong, life really sucks." when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules
- Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)
- Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)
- Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)
- Don't be ironic with your tone
Let me give you an example:
Other person: "My life sucks."
Me: "Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them."
Other person: "What?"
Me: "I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer."
Other: "I'm not like that..."
You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.
I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
add a comment |Â
up vote
0
down vote
up vote
0
down vote
I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.
My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.
Language
It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time).
I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying "I'm stupid." a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)
The Social Environment
As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's "fat". The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her.
What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one?
Emotions are Infectious
Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like "You're the sexiest woman alive." and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front.
You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence?
Provocative Style (Advanced)
This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say "No you're wrong, life really sucks." when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules
- Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)
- Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)
- Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)
- Don't be ironic with your tone
Let me give you an example:
Other person: "My life sucks."
Me: "Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them."
Other person: "What?"
Me: "I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer."
Other: "I'm not like that..."
You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.
I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
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I can relate to the feeling of being nerd and judged for my outer appearance (Chinese) quite well. So I like the fact you encourage her with words and I admire your courage to share this publicly.
My answer is mixed version of personal and professional experience (coach/trainer not therapist) as well as skills that I have required on trainings about human behaviour and the mind.
Language
It's great that you tell she's gorgeous and slender. Keep that that up. You're what you tell yourself. Even though she might tell you the opposite her subconscious will eventually believe you (that's why it probably stopped the first time).
I'll give you an example: Imagine yourself standing before a mirror and saying "I'm stupid." a hundred times over in an hour. How do think you'll feel then? What do you see when I tell you not to think of the pink elephant? ;)
The Social Environment
As I told you before language affects us. So do the people around us. In your case it sounds to me that what her family does is basically indirectly or directly telling her she's "fat". The same affect applies she can try to resist her subconscious won't let her.
What can you do to change that social environment into a positive one?
Emotions are Infectious
Speech is one part of the equation. Emotions are another thing altogether. If you say something like "You're the sexiest woman alive." and don't believe it yourself - then the other person will be skeptical. To make her feel good you need to feel good yourself. This is easy because you're doing it already - great job on that front.
You see when you feel good nothing can touch you. So when she's happy it's easier for her to overcome the feeling of insecurity regarding her body. What other things can you do to make her laugh, feel happy, loved etc. to strengthen her basic confidence?
Provocative Style (Advanced)
This is a little bit tricky. It needs practice and empathy to work properly. You'll create resistance on other side without hurting someone. What I often experience are people who say "No you're wrong, life really sucks." when I tell them life is good. If I feel like the person always disagrees regardless of what I say I apply the provocative style. It's easy explained: You agree with whatever they say without using irony. Here are some ground rules
- Only use generalizations (everbody, people, women)
- Agree with whatever they say (Yes and)
- Exeggarate in a funny way (all women should be fat to make man feel good about themselves)
- Don't be ironic with your tone
Let me give you an example:
Other person: "My life sucks."
Me: "Yeah, it does. People shouldn't be happy that's not good for them."
Other person: "What?"
Me: "I agree. Life can't be good and people should suffer."
Other: "I'm not like that..."
You do something that the other person doesn't expect which will create confusion at first and resistance second. This is good because she now has an intrinsic motivation to change herself.
I hope this helps. If you have anymore question feel free to ask :)
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
answered 7 mins ago
Dr4gon
11
11
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
New contributor
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Dr4gon is a new contributor to this site. Take care in asking for clarification, commenting, and answering.
Check out our Code of Conduct.
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
add a comment |Â
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
Thank you very much for your reply. I'll try out your suggestions. Thank you for your help!
– DaveThePerson
2 mins ago
add a comment |Â
DaveThePerson is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
DaveThePerson is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
DaveThePerson is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
DaveThePerson is a new contributor. Be nice, and check out our Code of Conduct.
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Not a duplicate, yet related to your situation. In that question OP wants to convince their girlfriend that she's gorgeous regardless of her weight. You might find some answers there as well.
– avazula
2 hours ago