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Question

TL;DR

When my mom makes a cake, she uses eggs (not vegan), even if I will be there. How can I tell her that I think it's hurtful to completely ignore the fact that I'm vegan, and thus, can't eat the dessert?

Background

I'm 23, I have been vegan for 2 years, I live in my parent house (well, not the past 6 months but I'm moving in again). I often cook the meal (or part of it).

My mom hate cooking (I hate it too), she doesn't like the fact that I'm vegan and would probably wish for me to "convert back".

What I have tried

When I see that she is about to prepare a (non-vegan) cake, I ask her why not using some Maizena (or some compote, depending) instead but she always told me "that's not how I learned to cook" (or some similar excuse).

Sometimes, she will also say: if you aren't happy, you can cook. But the problem is, I do cook sometimes (just not cake) and I don't want to always have to do the cooking just because I'm the only vegan at home.

Question

My main goal is to be able to enjoy a nice cake that I did not cook again. So, how can I communicate to my mother that she is being hurtful when she cooks for everyone but me?

Notes and clarifications

My mother does cook vegan stuff sometimes but only if she only needs to switch cow milk with rice milk. If it involves eggs, she won't switch ingredients.

When there are multiple things to eat, I don't really mind not eating something but when there is only one dessert, I do mind. Especially since this happens on a regular base (~ once per week).

Please, don't tell me that I'm selfish. I just want to be able to enjoy a vegan cake the same way they enjoy the vegan meals that I make.

No, I can't go out and by a vegan cake, they don't exist where I live.

A lot of answers suggest to teach her to cook vegan. This might work, but it might also not work (last time I tried, she just let me do the waffles on my own). So, I would be grateful for other solution who doesn't involve cooking.

If the dessert is vegan, everyone will happily eat it.

@Ontamu not that I remember off (except if no eggs are involve) — 19 hours ago
Did you ever prepare a vegan cake for your family? Do you know how to use egg replacments (that's a little more than knowing which ones exist)? — 19 hours ago
So just to be clear, the following situation happens and is a problem for you: Your mom cooks for the whole group, the main dish is vegan to accommodate for you, but the dessert isn't since your mom only knows a limited number of cake recipes and today it's cake? — 17 hours ago
@Noon But you're still part of the larger group, so I assume the main dish is vegan? — 17 hours ago

score 11 · Accepted Answer · 2018-09-27 14:14:59Z

Originally commented on a different answer, but I want to flesh this out into a full response -

Unlike other answers, I don't believe your primary choice is to just accept this as what it is and move on. I think there are definitely things you can do to attempt to accomplish your goal.

The key thing to remember here is that you chose to be vegan and take on all responsibilities that come with it: giving up certain foods, buying special (sometimes expensive) substitute ingredients, learning how to cook with these substitutes, etc. Unsurprisingly, your mom had no say in the matter. For someone who doesn't like to cook, the fact that she does make some vegan meals for you (aside from cake) is an important indicator that she is trying to accommodate for you.

Instead of pitting the cake issue as you vs your mom, view it as a moment where you need to be a teacher. You've said that your mom doesn't like to cook. As someone else who doesn't like to cook, I'm going to run on an assumption based on how I'd feel about learning to cook a common recipe with new, unfamiliar ingredients: Stressed. Learning how to do something you already don't enjoy in a different way can be overwhelming. This is your moment to teach that it isn't as big of a stress as it needs to be.

Invite yourself to cook a vegan cake with your mom. I'd recommend approaching it by saying:

"I've been upset that I haven't been able to eat any of the cake, but I understand that learning to cook specifically for my diet can feel like a big task. Would I be able to cook the next cake with you, and I can show you that it's actually pretty easy to substitute eggs for _____?"

What's important about your approach, which you'll see above, is that you come at your mom from an understanding angle. Once you've acknowledged how she probably feels, it'll make it more likely that she'll listen to you and accept your offer to show her how to make a vegan cake. Remain prepared that you may still need to compromise, the cake may still not always be vegan (maybe others still want the egg-y cake sometimes or it's just more convenient for your mom)... but this will be a start to reducing the amount of stress she feels by accommodating for a diet she did not choose and isn't used to.

If she declines your offer, I'd take the opportunity to ask her why she doesn't want to learn. Express that you feel really left out and miss being able to enjoy her cake, and that you'd like to know why she won't compromise with you. Unfortunately if there's nothing you can do to help console her reasons, at this point you may just have to accept that she is unwilling to budge about learning this new cooking skillset.

All parties involved in this situation feel what they feel - selfish, rude, or otherwise. The best way to bridge this problem is with understanding and attempting to find a compromise, with emphasis and focus on OP and their mother, as asked in the question. Let's focus on positive suggestions and bridging the gap instead of criticizing OP's feelings.

Comments deleted. Please remember that comments are for requesting clarification or suggesting improvements, not arguing with the answer (or OP). Please see this meta post for more information. — 17 hours ago

ArtificialSoul 3815 · Answer 2 · 2018-09-27 11:28:17Z

This is not the answer you are looking for, but

You are asking for something extra

I think it is perfectly fine to be vegan. But if there is a bunch of people to be cooked for demanding a change of meals because of the wishes of one is selfish.

Unless your mom cooks several meals/desserts and None of them are suitable for you, then she is being rude. But if she cooks one thing for everyone and you are the only one not eating it, you are demanding to get an extra serving or have everyone else not get what they want.

That is being rude. You are demanding your mother, who has never cooked vegan in her life, to cater specifically to you in a group setting.

If the situation is that you are just 3 people and your mom constantly cooks things incompatible with your diet then she is actually being rude.

Cook together

In that case you should ask her why she refuses to cook vegan. Ask her if she wants you to show her how to cook vegan, since it is not how she learned it. Cook something together.

Maybe look for a recipe online that looks nice and is vegan and have a nice evening cooking together.

Comments deleted. Please remember that comments are for requesting clarification or suggesting improvements, not arguing with the answer (or OP). If you have important information to add, please edit it into the appropriate post. — 17 hours ago
Note that OP has said that mom does cook vegan (e.g. prepares separate vegan / non-vegan dishes) which is extra work and extra cleanup. So mom is not "refusing to cook vegan", just not making two cakes (vegan / regular) — 13 hours ago
@DaveG It was edited into later. Lots of things were. I did not adapt my answer to that yet. — 8 hours ago

score 12 · Answer 3 · 2018-09-27 13:30:20Z

Probably not want you want to hear but I think you should:

Not mention anything and just live with it

Being vegan and wanting people to respect that choice is one thing. Asking everyone else to eat vegan food because you are vegan is a very different thing.

You can't expect other people to change their lifestyle and their habits because you decided to. If you demand other people to cater to your needs it starts looking like going vegan wasn't something you did for yourself but something you did to get special treatment and attention. This isn't the message you want to send if you want your mother to ever fully accept your choice.

As to the issue of actually enjoying a cake that you didn't cook yourself. It really depends where you live but in my town there are a lot of vegan bakeries that offer wide variety of vegan deserts, maybe you can take your family there or buy something for them and see how they like it. If they really enjoy it then you can get the recipe and teach it to your mom. I don't believe she is putting eggs in her cakes just to spite you. If it was my mom I wouldn't put it past her to be doing it on purpose to tempt me back into being vegetarian but I can't judge for yours, you know her better.

EDIT: I want to reply to the your mom being hurtful comment but it turned out longer than I expected.

You are feeling hurt because you feel your needs are ignored and that it somewhat normal but you are also 23 and you shouldn't expect other people to take care of you. If your mom is anything, inconsiderate is as far as it goes. You don't have the right to blame her for not catering to your choices, you can only ask her to respect them as you should respect her choice to enjoy eggs in the cakes that she makes.

Is it nice? No it isn't, nobody is claiming it is. Is it something that you should be hurt from? No it isn't, it is just other people having different believes as to what kind of food is alright to be consumed. You say that she enjoys vegan cake just fine, but you enjoyed non vegan cake just fine until a few years ago. Does that mean you should stop being vegan? Of course not! You should be what you want to be, but don't ask other people to change because you did.

What is the problem with asking everyone to eat a vegan cake? When I cook a vegan cake, they are happy to eat it. Why can't I ask them to make a vegan cake from time to time in return? — 18 hours ago
You touch on politeness here without mentioning it directly - I think that's an important interpersonal skill as well. — 18 hours ago
They already eat it from time to time. When you cook it. But when they cook it, don't expect anybody to put your needs above everybody else's. Not unless it's your birthday or something like that. — 18 hours ago
@Noon suppose for a second that your mom doesn't know how to make vegan cake. Is she rude for not learning how to do so? I don't believe so. She can still enjoy it when it is there. You mention in your question that your mom tells you that it is not the way she learned. Have you tried teaching her? — 18 hours ago
@Noon, I am basically saying that you shouldn't accuse your mom for her choices. Jess K. wrote a great answer as to how to go around the issue. My answer was a more direct answer to "How should I tell her that she is hurtful?" which in my opinion is, "You don't because I don't think you have the moral high ground in your situation.". I know it isn't the answer you want and I see some people are replying more in line to what you are looking for. I just hope you think over what I have said too and that it might help you with the feelings you are having. — 17 hours ago

score 5 · Answer 4 · 2018-09-27 18:40:35Z

Your goal of being able to enjoy a nice cake that you did not cook again is an easy to accomplish goal but does not require nearly any interpersonal skills. The solution is simple, find a place or website that makes vegan cakes and buy one.

There is no reasonable way to force or manipulate your mom and others to cook vegan when they don't want to. I personally haven't eaten cake or any desert in a few years and I like most vegan foods but I imagine that these vegan cakes are different than regular cakes in taste and consistency. When people eat cake they do it for enjoyment and you are trying to get your mom to make a cake that she probably doesn't enjoy eating as much as the types of cakes she has eaten since she was a child.

Ok, if I said that I'm the only one eating the vegan cake, I must apologize because I didn't intended to say that. Everyone at my home eats things that are vegan. But I'm the only one being vegan. — 17 hours ago
FYI, OP has edited to note that: "If the dessert is vegan, everyone will happily eat it." Does this change your answer? And OP wasn't looking for a solution to force, but to communicate - are you saying there is no way to even talk about this? You may find this meta post on frame challenges helpful to understand what we expect such answers to include. — 15 hours ago
@EmC Only the part that was already edited. Since her main goal is to eat cake that she has not cooked I don't really mind ignoring the secondary goal of communicating with the mother. — 12 hours ago

score 2 · Answer 5 · 2018-09-27 13:55:57Z

You used the "rudeness" tag wrong, or not for the right person at least.

That's probably not what you want to hear, but your choice, your responsibility. Especially under your parent's roof.

You chose to live the vegan life, and no one here will question your choices. I would like you to note two things though :

A little context could have been nice, I don't know where you live, but maybe, just maybe, you mom is mad, angry or even sad that you chose to be vegan. She might seems to be okay with it (and probably is), but being okay and being absolutely supportive are two different thing. ~~It might be not what she wants for you.~~ EDIT : missed the part where you were talking about this in your post, sorry about that. The thing about "being okay" and "being supportive" still holds, I guess.

You are also asking for a special treat. She is okay to change some things to her traditional way of cooking but not everything ? Your mom isn't being rude. She does some efforts by changing the type of milk she uses, but doesn't want to bother picking different things than eggs. It's more effort-consuming, let's say. It does makes sense, right ? You can't expect people to adapt each and every of your choices.

Edit and important note : I read on comments that you are French. You need to realise how French are connected with food. It's a whole world to us. If you are not living in Paris, the vegan way of life is very marginal and not accepted everywhere. It is no surprise you mom have some trouble to get along with your choices.

The question wasn't "Is my mother being rude?", but rather "How can I communicate to my mother that I find it hurtful?" Can you edit your post to directly answer the question? You may find this meta post on frame challenges helpful to understand what we expect such answers to include. — 15 hours ago
@EmC By trying to help him understand his mom, I don't feel like I've failed to help him communicate better. Maybe not the direct "tell her this and that" he was expecting, but well. — 15 hours ago

score 11 · Accepted Answer · 2018-09-27 14:14:59Z

Originally commented on a different answer, but I want to flesh this out into a full response -

Unlike other answers, I don't believe your primary choice is to just accept this as what it is and move on. I think there are definitely things you can do to attempt to accomplish your goal.

The key thing to remember here is that you chose to be vegan and take on all responsibilities that come with it: giving up certain foods, buying special (sometimes expensive) substitute ingredients, learning how to cook with these substitutes, etc. Unsurprisingly, your mom had no say in the matter. For someone who doesn't like to cook, the fact that she does make some vegan meals for you (aside from cake) is an important indicator that she is trying to accommodate for you.

Instead of pitting the cake issue as you vs your mom, view it as a moment where you need to be a teacher. You've said that your mom doesn't like to cook. As someone else who doesn't like to cook, I'm going to run on an assumption based on how I'd feel about learning to cook a common recipe with new, unfamiliar ingredients: Stressed. Learning how to do something you already don't enjoy in a different way can be overwhelming. This is your moment to teach that it isn't as big of a stress as it needs to be.

Invite yourself to cook a vegan cake with your mom. I'd recommend approaching it by saying:

"I've been upset that I haven't been able to eat any of the cake, but I understand that learning to cook specifically for my diet can feel like a big task. Would I be able to cook the next cake with you, and I can show you that it's actually pretty easy to substitute eggs for _____?"

What's important about your approach, which you'll see above, is that you come at your mom from an understanding angle. Once you've acknowledged how she probably feels, it'll make it more likely that she'll listen to you and accept your offer to show her how to make a vegan cake. Remain prepared that you may still need to compromise, the cake may still not always be vegan (maybe others still want the egg-y cake sometimes or it's just more convenient for your mom)... but this will be a start to reducing the amount of stress she feels by accommodating for a diet she did not choose and isn't used to.

If she declines your offer, I'd take the opportunity to ask her why she doesn't want to learn. Express that you feel really left out and miss being able to enjoy her cake, and that you'd like to know why she won't compromise with you. Unfortunately if there's nothing you can do to help console her reasons, at this point you may just have to accept that she is unwilling to budge about learning this new cooking skillset.

All parties involved in this situation feel what they feel - selfish, rude, or otherwise. The best way to bridge this problem is with understanding and attempting to find a compromise, with emphasis and focus on OP and their mother, as asked in the question. Let's focus on positive suggestions and bridging the gap instead of criticizing OP's feelings.

Comments deleted. Please remember that comments are for requesting clarification or suggesting improvements, not arguing with the answer (or OP). Please see this meta post for more information. — 17 hours ago

ArtificialSoul 3815 · Answer 7 · 2018-09-27 11:28:17Z

This is not the answer you are looking for, but

You are asking for something extra

I think it is perfectly fine to be vegan. But if there is a bunch of people to be cooked for demanding a change of meals because of the wishes of one is selfish.

Unless your mom cooks several meals/desserts and None of them are suitable for you, then she is being rude. But if she cooks one thing for everyone and you are the only one not eating it, you are demanding to get an extra serving or have everyone else not get what they want.

That is being rude. You are demanding your mother, who has never cooked vegan in her life, to cater specifically to you in a group setting.

If the situation is that you are just 3 people and your mom constantly cooks things incompatible with your diet then she is actually being rude.

Cook together

In that case you should ask her why she refuses to cook vegan. Ask her if she wants you to show her how to cook vegan, since it is not how she learned it. Cook something together.

Maybe look for a recipe online that looks nice and is vegan and have a nice evening cooking together.

Comments deleted. Please remember that comments are for requesting clarification or suggesting improvements, not arguing with the answer (or OP). If you have important information to add, please edit it into the appropriate post. — 17 hours ago
Note that OP has said that mom does cook vegan (e.g. prepares separate vegan / non-vegan dishes) which is extra work and extra cleanup. So mom is not "refusing to cook vegan", just not making two cakes (vegan / regular) — 13 hours ago
@DaveG It was edited into later. Lots of things were. I did not adapt my answer to that yet. — 8 hours ago

score 12 · Answer 8 · 2018-09-27 13:30:20Z

Probably not want you want to hear but I think you should:

Not mention anything and just live with it

Being vegan and wanting people to respect that choice is one thing. Asking everyone else to eat vegan food because you are vegan is a very different thing.

You can't expect other people to change their lifestyle and their habits because you decided to. If you demand other people to cater to your needs it starts looking like going vegan wasn't something you did for yourself but something you did to get special treatment and attention. This isn't the message you want to send if you want your mother to ever fully accept your choice.

As to the issue of actually enjoying a cake that you didn't cook yourself. It really depends where you live but in my town there are a lot of vegan bakeries that offer wide variety of vegan deserts, maybe you can take your family there or buy something for them and see how they like it. If they really enjoy it then you can get the recipe and teach it to your mom. I don't believe she is putting eggs in her cakes just to spite you. If it was my mom I wouldn't put it past her to be doing it on purpose to tempt me back into being vegetarian but I can't judge for yours, you know her better.

EDIT: I want to reply to the your mom being hurtful comment but it turned out longer than I expected.

You are feeling hurt because you feel your needs are ignored and that it somewhat normal but you are also 23 and you shouldn't expect other people to take care of you. If your mom is anything, inconsiderate is as far as it goes. You don't have the right to blame her for not catering to your choices, you can only ask her to respect them as you should respect her choice to enjoy eggs in the cakes that she makes.

Is it nice? No it isn't, nobody is claiming it is. Is it something that you should be hurt from? No it isn't, it is just other people having different believes as to what kind of food is alright to be consumed. You say that she enjoys vegan cake just fine, but you enjoyed non vegan cake just fine until a few years ago. Does that mean you should stop being vegan? Of course not! You should be what you want to be, but don't ask other people to change because you did.

What is the problem with asking everyone to eat a vegan cake? When I cook a vegan cake, they are happy to eat it. Why can't I ask them to make a vegan cake from time to time in return? — 18 hours ago
You touch on politeness here without mentioning it directly - I think that's an important interpersonal skill as well. — 18 hours ago
They already eat it from time to time. When you cook it. But when they cook it, don't expect anybody to put your needs above everybody else's. Not unless it's your birthday or something like that. — 18 hours ago
@Noon suppose for a second that your mom doesn't know how to make vegan cake. Is she rude for not learning how to do so? I don't believe so. She can still enjoy it when it is there. You mention in your question that your mom tells you that it is not the way she learned. Have you tried teaching her? — 18 hours ago
@Noon, I am basically saying that you shouldn't accuse your mom for her choices. Jess K. wrote a great answer as to how to go around the issue. My answer was a more direct answer to "How should I tell her that she is hurtful?" which in my opinion is, "You don't because I don't think you have the moral high ground in your situation.". I know it isn't the answer you want and I see some people are replying more in line to what you are looking for. I just hope you think over what I have said too and that it might help you with the feelings you are having. — 17 hours ago

score 5 · Answer 9 · 2018-09-27 18:40:35Z

Your goal of being able to enjoy a nice cake that you did not cook again is an easy to accomplish goal but does not require nearly any interpersonal skills. The solution is simple, find a place or website that makes vegan cakes and buy one.

There is no reasonable way to force or manipulate your mom and others to cook vegan when they don't want to. I personally haven't eaten cake or any desert in a few years and I like most vegan foods but I imagine that these vegan cakes are different than regular cakes in taste and consistency. When people eat cake they do it for enjoyment and you are trying to get your mom to make a cake that she probably doesn't enjoy eating as much as the types of cakes she has eaten since she was a child.

Ok, if I said that I'm the only one eating the vegan cake, I must apologize because I didn't intended to say that. Everyone at my home eats things that are vegan. But I'm the only one being vegan. — 17 hours ago
FYI, OP has edited to note that: "If the dessert is vegan, everyone will happily eat it." Does this change your answer? And OP wasn't looking for a solution to force, but to communicate - are you saying there is no way to even talk about this? You may find this meta post on frame challenges helpful to understand what we expect such answers to include. — 15 hours ago
@EmC Only the part that was already edited. Since her main goal is to eat cake that she has not cooked I don't really mind ignoring the secondary goal of communicating with the mother. — 12 hours ago

score 2 · Answer 10 · 2018-09-27 13:55:57Z

You used the "rudeness" tag wrong, or not for the right person at least.

That's probably not what you want to hear, but your choice, your responsibility. Especially under your parent's roof.

You chose to live the vegan life, and no one here will question your choices. I would like you to note two things though :

A little context could have been nice, I don't know where you live, but maybe, just maybe, you mom is mad, angry or even sad that you chose to be vegan. She might seems to be okay with it (and probably is), but being okay and being absolutely supportive are two different thing. ~~It might be not what she wants for you.~~ EDIT : missed the part where you were talking about this in your post, sorry about that. The thing about "being okay" and "being supportive" still holds, I guess.

You are also asking for a special treat. She is okay to change some things to her traditional way of cooking but not everything ? Your mom isn't being rude. She does some efforts by changing the type of milk she uses, but doesn't want to bother picking different things than eggs. It's more effort-consuming, let's say. It does makes sense, right ? You can't expect people to adapt each and every of your choices.

Edit and important note : I read on comments that you are French. You need to realise how French are connected with food. It's a whole world to us. If you are not living in Paris, the vegan way of life is very marginal and not accepted everywhere. It is no surprise you mom have some trouble to get along with your choices.

The question wasn't "Is my mother being rude?", but rather "How can I communicate to my mother that I find it hurtful?" Can you edit your post to directly answer the question? You may find this meta post on frame challenges helpful to understand what we expect such answers to include. — 15 hours ago
@EmC By trying to help him understand his mom, I don't feel like I've failed to help him communicate better. Maybe not the direct "tell her this and that" he was expecting, but well. — 15 hours ago

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How to communicate to my mother that I find it hurtful when she cooks for everyone except me who is vegan?

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What I have tried

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TL;DR

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